Overall, your writing is very strong – and you have a good descriptive voice. Conceptually, an entertaining story with some great action sequences. Clearly, this has commercial potential – and the casting […]
sounds like this could be very interesting but slightly confused in the logline. Play with it a bit, as I know there are great ideas in there that you can really elevate with emotion/conflict/character dimension. […]
There is something very strong in here that isn’t coming out because of the clunkiness of your language. Trim it down are reoder some wording and focus on elements of each character perhaps. Nice start!
If you can pull it off at 90-105 pages, that would be awesome. Definitely an audience out there for this type of material. I like the logline – but there could be some changes to really elevate it (like what […]
Not feeling the comedy here – b/c it seems utterly sad. But you convey the premise nicely. I would agree with some of the comments above — add something to set the “Dark comedic” tone. I don;t have a problem […]