Congrats on a fun/entertaining script. Concept is fresh and story has potential.

Awesome opening – what a great first piece of dialogue! I do think while he should be taken off guard, the principal would be […]

Overall, your writing is very strong – and you have a good descriptive voice. Conceptually, an entertaining story with some great action sequences. Clearly, this has commercial potential – and the casting […]

Very strong concept.
Clean up your syntax. A bunch IS
School’s

Possibly consider dropping the “The” inn your title and you have a sick title.

If your script is dope, I’d like to read it. If at the end of […]

Really appreciate the feedback, Mark. Thanks for the insight and taking the time. -T

Thanks again, Rick. Definitelty a departure from the other script I sent you. I have my work cur out for me with this one. Much appreciated! Todd

Thanks again, Chris. Seems the structure will be the next element I focus on and maybe trimming the fat and lengthening the individual stories. Much appreciated! Todd

Many thanks for the read and the comments!

Thanks, Steven! Glad you enjoyed and I appreciate the read.

Thanks, Ward. Great comments and I am thrilled you enjoyed it. I agree that the structure is the next issue to tackle with this one. Thanks again!

This needs to be restructured a bit – but the premise sounds great and there is a great logline in here. Make it pop as original. Perhaps something more about characters and conflict.

This would be a solid logline with a little editing work. Like the premise and you should get a lot of read requests. Just nail the logline – it is so close!

Dump all the unnecessary naming comparables and focus on what makes your characters and story interesting. Nice start.

sounds like this could be very interesting but slightly confused in the logline. Play with it a bit, as I know there are great ideas in there that you can really elevate with emotion/conflict/character dimension. […]

There is something very strong in here that isn’t coming out because of the clunkiness of your language. Trim it down are reoder some wording and focus on elements of each character perhaps. Nice start!

The premise is really strong. A little reworking to make every word matter will elevate this into the logline it deserves to be. You will have a lot of read requests for sure! Nice work.

If you can pull it off at 90-105 pages, that would be awesome. Definitely an audience out there for this type of material. I like the logline – but there could be some changes to really elevate it (like what […]

A little editing needed to get it straight – and present tense. I like the premise but it needs some emotional element and trim down to bare essentials. Good start!

Not feeling the comedy here – b/c it seems utterly sad. But you convey the premise nicely. I would agree with some of the comments above — add something to set the “Dark comedic” tone. I don;t have a problem […]

This is a great premise and you are very close to having a truly compelling logline. Rework the phrasing a bit to make it pop – but good start!