• cstapes and jusork are now friends 1 year, 5 months ago

  • jusork commented on the post, Epiphany 4 years, 7 months ago

    Is definitely without a pull. There is a lot more about your story that you could explain and show us with it what the conflict is.

  • jusork commented on the post, Blake & Valo 4 years, 7 months ago

    I think the main problem is the fact that the mafia boss storyline doesn’t seem to have relation to the man’s goal. So I don’t see why there’s as much drama there as you intend.

  • Definitely interesting with the last line. There is a strong sense of suspense expressed in that. The idea that a supernatural being is locked away takes some suspension of disbelief, but I think it’s better than […]

  • I think it’s a good logline. Most of the questions about it don’t really need to be answered in it I think.

  • jusork commented on the post, Querying 4 years, 7 months ago

    I think the one thing that will help you out is to get a better idea of what the characters in his stories are like, so we see what pushes him into insanity. there’d be more drama explained there.

  • jusork commented on the post, Final Request 4 years, 7 months ago

    I agree with others that some things can be reworded. My problem is that I don’t think it helps to call him a divorcee which doesn’t give any indication that it was the banker that he divorced until you say […]

  • I don’t think the fact that I’ve seen Cube makes me more aware of what these rooms are likely like. But I can definitely see how this world could be. It does sound like Cube, except that he’s trying to escape his […]

  • jusork commented on the post, Drive Thru 4 years, 7 months ago

    It’s the start of something, but I don’t see a story in it. What happens? Even if it’s subtle drama, even some kind of internal drama has to happen.

  • Definitely overly-verbose and long-winded. Start by using less filler words and phrases, such as “into those who breathe it in.”

  • jusork commented on the post, Ransom Hollow 4 years, 7 months ago

    Like Die Hard as a ghost story? I think it’s a good logline. The only problem is that I’m not sure what the last line means in relation to being held captive by spirits. I think you could have a more informative last line.

  • jusork commented on the post, Maura 4 years, 7 months ago

    Overall very good and gets right to the point of the story. I can’t think of anything to say that could make it better even though it might be able to be.

  • Definitely interesting and a mostly well-written logline, but I feel like if you could find a way to show how these two storylines relate to each other, it’d be even stronger. For example, is he stuck between […]

  • jusork commented on the post, Cassius Cave 4 years, 7 months ago

    Sounds very ambitious but also difficult to make into a good logline, at least with the way you seem to want to portray it. You might choose to try a different perspective on it, such as leaving out that he’s […]

  • Simplify it. You can easily make it once sentence. If you can, you always should. A woman who learns she has cancer falls in love with a romantic violinist and, in order to retain their romance, tries to hide her […]

  • Has a lot of unnecessary parts. Also too vague about what it is about. Get it down to the actual basic story.

  • jusork commented on the post, The Comeback 4 years, 8 months ago

    As said, it says what is necessary but you could refocus it on the drama instead of on the backstory, which is what carries most of it now. Highlight more of the drama in the story and not the backstory. Good luck.

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