You Bet

Alright. It seems like you have a lot going on for a short film. Not only do you have multiple characters to establish and write scenes for, you have essentially three story threads, George dying, his friends’ stories, plus the investigation.

I think there’s a lot you need to add if you want your script to be more than the idea that a person will inadvertently and indirectly kill his friend for money. You clearly detailed Diego’s part. Shannon’s could be more detailed. For some reason she was mad at him and in the end, somehow, it got him killed. That’s all I know, but I’d like to know more. Was she looking for the ticket? If so, how come they didn’t search him or ask him about it? And then his aunt sent him away because, to put it simply, she cared more about money. What about the other friends? The detective says all of them, but at the most, it’s only three. Showing only three feels incomplete. Need to show more to get your theme across. Or else, it’s really just Shannon and Diego who “killed” him. And since Shannon seems to be the catalyst, more development definitely needs to be made with her.

Actually, looking over it again, I do see the scene where his friends “pocket his tips.” I have no idea what the scene means. What are his tips? I sense that it adds to your theme, but I have no idea how. And why does Kim put some back?

I think also you could better establish the lottery ticket and how his friends feel about it. I think you should challenge yourself and expand this story into something bigger and more detailed. There is a lot you could add to this and it could be very intriguing. What you have now is very simple.

Your use of (O.S.) borders on directing and isn’t necessary within the story when you use them to bridge the scenes. Also there are a few times where you haven’t established the scene before the scene’s first line of dialogue.

Finally, work on your dialogue. Don’t forget about things like facial expressions and tone that can say a lot. Considering that this is a short, a lot of the dialogue could and probably should be cut to tighten, or make room for more important details. You even have a whole little scene that details nothing but Diego getting arrested, after we already know he’s been arrested. Why?