Wild Ambitions

I feel like your highlight is the middle. You detail her hitting the bottom multiple times, but each times hits harder than the last. They provide for a major struggle to her state of mind. What you need is to build up to it better then work out from it better.

First, her character is very angsty and typical-sounding. Although there is such as thing as unlikable and self-destructive characters who we can still develop a screen relationship with, we still need to sympathize. I’d suggest finding a way to do it with Dalia. Start with the way she responds to situations. Like with her father, she responds with typical angsty teen replies, “I hate you!” Try something better that will show beneath her carefree outer layer, she may actually have a respectable and thoughtful mindset. Deepen her feelings without being brash about it.

Maybe her mindset could be expressed through her drawing and graffiti. For example, instead of writing in her journal “I hate this town” she could draw something that expresses that. She is a drawer, after all, not a writer. In general actually you don’t describe her art much. I feel like you should. Does she do pictures or images of any kind? Art is expression of course, so what she paints is important.

I think you could play up the importance of her art to her. Make it special, not like a fleeting diversion. Show her inner feelings for it.

I think you do enough illustrating her lifestyle for more than 45 pages. Both the scene where she punches the window and the dance accomplish the same goal: to show how she behaves and her world. You might try cutting or figuring out where to simplify these scenes that establish her world again and again. I think by page 30 or 40 you could start the second act, but I don’t think that means cutting out the development scenes that feel repetitive early on; instead push it back and bring forward her efforts to get to art school. Until after she gets in the hospital, it’s only hopes. Maybe it can become more earlier, and these developments in her world will enhance her eagerness.

Also I think as she goes on being aggressive and self-destructive, I feel like the reason she is this way is no longer being supported. Especially at the dance. The friends weren’t drinking so why was she? And why was she being shown as being so distant. I didn’t really see a reason for it.

“It’s just that, I’ve gotten mixed up with the wrong people lately and… I’m feeling a bit anxious.” Does she really believe this? I don’t get the impression she does. She seems like she couldn’t care less. I especially wouldn’t think that any of her friends are anywhere near as wild as herself.

When you introduce Dalia in the hospital, you should specify that she’s unconscious.

Is Karim black or Muslim? I’m confused.

When Dalia has her idea for her project, I don’t think it’s clear enough what she’s doing, other than obviously something dealing with graffiti art. And then it doesn’t work out, but there’s not much reeling from that, she just quickly thinks of the mural.

“competing for a chance to paint it together?” is confusing.

By page 60, Bessam’s arguments about art is getting repetitive. Unless he has more to say, you might just simplify it since it’s all stuff we’ve heard before. Bessam’s violence is also getting repetitive, especially because you already have her motivation for wanting to get away. Bessam’s role should be more than just that, I feel.

I think Dalia needs to develop more motivation to suddenly want to help the school and town with the mural. She cared so little and now she has this idea that is helping the community. Does she really care about the community? Or is it all a facade? Specify what is her goal with it really.

What is Kelly angry about around page 60? She’s mad about Dalia leaving? I don’t see the motivation in that scene.

“L.A., here I come!” At this point,I think she needs to see it as more than this. As the story goes, I think she needs to understand what it is that really makes it special. In doing so, she’ll know she’s got something.

What in the world was going on on page 88 with Thuy, Dan and Dalia? She’s trying to break up the argument when she sees the police?

How did Dalia graduate with her grades?

Why is Dalia suddenly angry at Kelly for being a blood? Surely she had her suspicions already. I felt like she was looking past it because she had a feeling already.

I feel like by the end, Dalia hasn’t learned anything. She’s still the same as she was in the beginning. Also nothing else has changed despite her work. So where’s the development? We should’ve had more character evolution. There didn’t seem to be any kind of effect from the mural. It was such an achievement and it was thrown away just because it didn’t get her anywhere.

The next time we see Bessam after his violent outburst, he’s strangely quiet and fatherly. Nothing like he has been. So what happened?

I really don’t feel like her decision to run away was really right. It only fit with what Kelly said, that she was fearful to try her art. But I never really got that impression. She loved her art and did it freely already. And she was very passionate to get into art school with it. Perhaps even overconfident. In reality, she seemed lost and distracted, and that’s what was holding her back from doing what she loved. She had no idea how to get there. At the end, she’s still probably lost, having no idea what she’s going to do. But I guess she’s out of the town. Is that what we should feel at the end?

So those were the main things. I think that’s plenty to work with. Good luck on rewrites and streamline it whenever you can.