What The Mind Sees
User Rating:
VN:RO [1.9.17_1161]
Overall
Concept
Story Structure
Character
Dialogue
Grammar
Budget (1-Low / 5-High)
Rating: 2.8/5 (2 votes cast)

What The Mind Sees

When a nightmare becomes a reality and he becomes a suspect in a murder case,  a car salesman must return to his nightmare to find out what actually happened…

2012 May LoglineFest Winner

Monologue: Pages 27, 28

3 Comments

Leave A Reply
  1. Profile photo of rkwok
    rkwok says
    August 6, 2012, 4:50 pm
    Overall
    Concept
    Story Structure
    Character
    Dialogue
    Grammar
    Budget (1-Low / 5-High)

    This is an interesting attempt at a thriller. It has a lot of good concepts and the writer has a good imagination: the psychic, the deep conspiracy, cases of mistaken identity. The first problem is that the complexity of the plot overwhelms the script: the characters spend so much time explaining what is going on that the whole rhythm of the story is askew. The story should have been dark and scary: the ingredients are there but I just did not feel the menace of a good thriller. The second problem is that there are a lot of holes in the plot. I would also dearly like to get to the bottom of Devon being a psychic: certainly need a resolution on that one. Finally, the dialogue is very clunky in places. Here are some specific points:
    – The beginning with the dream is fine: the hurried revelation in the TV news was just too fast paced; should have built up the story a bit more (particularly the Sarah character and her relationship with Devon)
    – P9 “dress code” is an odd choice of words
    – The use of three detectives is unnecessary since they are essentially one person; there is not enough to distinguish them
    – P14 : “being there might invoke the intricate details”: clunky dialogue
    – P20 “proving to others your technical ability” again clunky
    – P20 “so entangled with your own being” again clunky
    – P24 if Mandy is drunk how can she do a monologue like that?
    – P27 like a predator devours its prey? clunky
    – The Conchita character has dialogue that is inconsistent: sometimes she speaks like a foreigner and sometimes she waxes lyrical
    – P43 off course: typo
    – P44 the whole thing about the vault being in a cabin in a resort and Conchita having access to it is not believable
    – P46 peer doubtfully?
    – P47 grins vindictively?
    – P50: here and elsewhere there is a gross neglect of police procedure: like identifying themselves and getting warrants!
    – P51 “he is amazed”: you can’t say that in a script
    – P53: why is it an “ace up his sleeve”?
    – P55 the appearance of the BMWs and subsequent explanation is not believable
    – P63 the reveal of Daniel’s guilt (ie he knew about the cause of death): too obvious a plot point and most people would have spotted it long before the detectives
    – P66 lets just escape for a while to clear our minds?
    – P68 seeing Daniel in the bar was just too cute and co incidental
    – P71 sorry mermaids were the cause of the death of sailors (unless you’re referring to the “Little Mermaid”)
    – P73 why didn’t Sarah go into the apartment when she heard the fight?
    – P82 the whole coffee shop set up (as a place for people to go in and see internet “porn” is just unbelievable: why not just see it at home on the computer?
    – P87 the dialogue is superfluous
    – P91 stimulating images?
    – P91 the set up of the Eagle operation: very confusing as to what they were doing? Were they extorting money? Or was it some vigilante thing? For example, why get money from the senator and expose him anyway?
    – P91 too much talk: you need to show it to make it more interesting
    – P9 6 why is taking pictures of Devon a felony?
    – P104 how did Daniel trace Sarah so quickly?
    – P106 the word is extorted, not bribed
    – P109 why didn’t Daniel just kill Devon when he had the chance???
    – P110 victory and me : clunky

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    Report user
    • paul says
      August 16, 2012, 11:48 am

      Thank you for the detailed feedback. I will work on these points in my rewrite. I guess the problem with dialogue is that I’m not actually English speaking, but I’ll try my best to improve.

      VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
      Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
      Report user
  2. Profile photo of jjcj3113
    jjcj3113 says
    July 14, 2012, 3:47 am
    Overall
    Concept
    Story Structure
    Character
    Dialogue
    Grammar
    Budget (1-Low / 5-High)

    I liked the story overall. I Think some of the dialogue was a bit long. I think in some cases it would have been better to show things instead go having Kevin go through long explanations.

    I think the police detectives were too similar. I was disappointed that we didn’t get to see the Senator get exposed in the end and that Sarah just kissed Devon on the forehead after all they went through.

    But nice job. I was entertained :)

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    Report user

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.