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Rating: 3.3/5 (2 votes cast)

Unreality

It’s Duncan’s thirtieth birthday, but it’s a problem. He promised his girlfriend if he didn’t make it as an actor by this day he would return home to rural Pennsylvania. His evil roommate plays a prank that just may help Duncan get out of this jam, but at what cost?

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  1. rickemg says
    June 26, 2012, 5:29 pm
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    I liked the story. Needs some work. Be sure to read it over before submitting.

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  2. ssabatino says
    May 22, 2012, 12:28 am
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    Before I give some constructive criticism, I will say that you have a story with a plot and an ending. You have a main character who travels through the action. Now, start correcting all the plot errors surrounding your skeletal story.

    The beginning needs work. You open with the support group, but we really don’t know what Duncan’s problem is. It is frustrating. Don’t make the audience guess so soon.
    When you get to the interview at page 5, take us inside the room. We need to see Duncan fail in order to understand the depth of his depression.
    Page 13: do you really think the 2 business women would giggle at Beaters crude remarks? Wouldn’t they throw something at him? I am having to adjust to the base language of the characters. It gets overwhelming.
    You don’t need to always type “cut to”
    Page 15; I don’t think a straight guy (goofball or not) would immediately offer his semen to another guy. I understand you are building to a punchline, but it seems contrived.
    Page 20: why does Brittany call Duncan if she is otherwise indisposed? And what about his birthday? I don’t buy the relationship between the two. It’s not humorous; you need to make it funny, not pathetic, or unbelievable.
    The Netflix segment is too long. Shorten that to one page.
    By this point, there are too many characters to keep track of. I am forgetting who’s who.
    By page 30, I have lost interest in the sex jokes – if I ever had any. I am wondering if your intent is to just string along one “bit” after another. That is a technique, but your common thread is indistinguishable. You have lost Duncan in the midst of all these other characters. You need to keep him central. Everyone else plays off him, otherwise, your story is a mish-mash of comic vignettes. And the jury is still out as to whether or not they are “ha ha” funny, or just shocking.

    Page 31: enough with the cake, already! Once a bit is over, it’s over. Move on.

    Dognut doughnuts: we should have been here much earlier. This gives insight into Duncan’s life. Play on the joke “Duncan Doughnuts.” Also, does EVERYBODY have to speak in sexual innuendo? I “get” that your script is a total fart humor piece, but beware of overkill.

    You are relying on the audience “hearing” the information thriough stories that the characters tell each other. You need visuals, also. A comedy is more than “saying” funny things. The audience isn’t always listening.
    Page 40: I am done with the character called The Beater. He has too many lines and he’s repetitious. He’s gotten stale. That’s what happens when dialogue is thin, or it is based around a handful of profanities.
    I am mid-way through the script and there is no more mention of the support group, or of the ultimatum made by Duncan’s girlfriend. I am starting to wonder about both. There is a difference between keeping an audience guessing, and causing an audience to question the story.
    The Duncan who was introduced at the opening is not the same guy half-way in. You need to solidify his character traits and be true to them. I would play him as the straight guy to the other two crude friends. I am not buying the depression angle for a guy who is sexually immature (i.e. the cake bit). Those guys don’t get depressed.

    You’re going to have to delete several characters: start with the doughnut shop customers. Don’t be afraid. They’re not important to moving the plot along.

    Page 58: Brittany reappears. I am still seeing her with the salesman, so I am not buying her pissed-off act. There’s no back story for me to latch onto. What is their relationship? You haven’t given us enough interaction between the two.
    Page 71: Duncan pontificates…who is THIS Duncan? He does not sound like the idiot you have been painting all along. This is the character who needs to be on the surface. All of the crap that befalls him needs to be external conflicts – kind of like in The Out of Towners where Jack Lemmon just can’t catch a break. You can overlay your crass, sexual humor onto that. Your story has a plot, but it moves choppily. Too many brief scenes.
    Page 78: the car dealership reappears after 50 pages. Either leave it out, or work it in so that you can recall it.

    Frankly, I don’t think Matt Lauer would ever be a part of this type of film.

    Page 85: Duncan tells Allison it is all a lie, yet the audience has seen him do it. Either he is, or he isn’t. Decide.

    The story is dragging on. I find myself impatient for an ending.

    Cut this script to under 90 pages.

    Duncan is the main character.. He has conflicts. Remember that the other characters support him. Don’t give them leading roles.
    Cut scenes. Ask yourself, “Where’s the joke?” Once you know that answer, hit it efficiently and move on.

    Proof read. There are typos and grammar errors.

    Overall,

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