Trust No One More Images
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VN:RO [1.9.17_1161]
Overall
Concept
Story Structure
Character
Dialogue
Grammar
Budget (1-Low / 5-High)
Rating: 2.4/5 (1 vote cast)

Trust No One

Federal Agents are forced to face the truth that they have been seeking for many years, with no way out, and no way of turning around.

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  1. Profile photo of Lidless
    Lidless says
    December 18, 2014, 2:21 pm
    Overall
    Concept
    Story Structure
    Character
    Dialogue
    Grammar
    Budget (1-Low / 5-High)

    Formatting
    ========

    Almost good but many, many small errors. Just looking at the first page (these errors persist throughout):

    Scene headings should not be greyed

    The “-DAY/NIGHT” should have a leading space.

    The first occasion of any (speaking) character in the action should be in all caps (DRIVER) along with an idea of age and characteristics for the casting director.

    There should not be a line space between the character and the dialog.

    If you are giving stage directions on how the dialog should be spoken, it should be in parenthesis (with a particular indent) between the character and the dialog. For example, on P5

    TIMMY (SCREAMING)!
    Saul! Saul! There’s
    a real Alligator!!

    should be

    TIMMY
    (screaming)
    Saul! Saul! There’s
    a real alligator!

    Change passive to active. Instead of “The Driver is looking out at the desert” use “The driver looks out at the desert.

    If the same character has the next piece of dialog in the same scene, you should use, for example, SAUL (CONT’D)

    The character’s name and their dialog must be on the same page. Same with scene headings and the first action paragraph.

    Your indents for dialog are completely wrong. No wonder you have so many pages!

    If dialog crosses onto another page, you need (MORE) as the last line on the first page and, eg, SAUL (CONT’D) as the beginning of the second.

    You’re using capital letters for many nouns, and several pieces of dialog do not begin with a capital letter. Quite distracting.

    Many spelling errors and wrong use of apostrophes.

    Opening Credits should be all caps.

    Try to avoid action paragraphs of more than four lines if you can.

    What does a magnetic wave look like? Describe.

    What do each of these locations look like? Describe. Set up the scene.

    Delete “Act II / III”. It isn’t a play.

    The scenes with Krycek being shot, use ” – CONTINUOUS” as opposed to ” – DAY”

    STORY
    Overall quite good. Good opening scene too and good ending as well. The trouble is the execution. The dialog is just way too wordy. It needs to zip along and every line moves it or a relationship forwards. This is just clunky.

    A huge amount of potential here but once the formatting is fixed, the grammar and spelling corrected, scenes and people are described and the dialog massively trimmed it will become easier to read, easier to visualize, and have readers wanting to turn the page. Keep at it.

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