The War Of The States

Hi, I’ll give you some more feedback since no one’s responded yet. I’m just looking at the first few pages, but I can tell you that you are indeed missing some important screenwriting details. Was your cousin a playwright by any chance, because it looks more like play formatting.

First your slugline always goes like this: int. or ext. – Washington D.C. – Day then anything else after that: – 1860. Same with the one later that says nothing but the year. You need to state the setting and establish the basics of it. And be specific, not general. The setting of Indiana is very broad. Where exactly? Also I’d describe important details of your scene before describing accessory details like the leaves. Describe the city or the crowd.

Even though everybody knows who Lincoln is, you still have to introduce him and describe him at least basically. The first time you see the character, his or her name is written in all caps. For prominent characters, an age is generally a good detail to add at least. The crowd would also be all caps. And describe them, who are these people? Also, even though it is clear what speech this is, describe it as if we don’t. I’d say try not to say ‘his speech’ or ‘the city’ unless you’ve already established it as such.

It might be difficult without script software, but all dialogue is written with the character in all caps centered on the page, then the dialogue centered below it with wider margins. There is a point where you have only a line of dialogue without saying who is speaking it. Even if you may be able to surmise based on the action, it is always necessary to say who is speaking those words, whether it’s FAMILY or LINCOLN’S MOTHER.

I must say I am especially confused by the lines following the mother’s death. The nurse yells ‘scream?’ The family literally says ‘huh?’ Where’s the emotion? That is an important detail and needs to be shown. What is there to suggest her sudden death, other than her stomach torn open (C-section?)? Does she seem out of breath or tired or pale? What happens to the baby? Does the family watch her leave or huddle together in tears?

So far I get the impression that your scenes are very minimal, too much so I’d say. In the 1816 scene on page 6, you say nothing but that they are loading up their wagon. Does nothing else happen on this seemingly important scene. If not, why have it? Don’t include scenes that add no value as that one seems to. The father’s dialogue is equally sparse. Does he need to state the fact so flatly? Find a way to create a scene that states that they are going west instead of just having a character say it. Don’t be mistaken however, you do need it made clear in some way that they are indeed going west or we as viewers won’t know.

As John said, you clearly have a passion for your material, but your writing does need more work. Keep reading to get more of an idea of what we mean by our feedback. You can start with this site even. Hope we helped.