The Transcenders More Images
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Rating: 3.7/5 (12 votes cast)

The Transcenders

After a violent car accident, two lifelong friends awaken from comas with the ability to stop time and transcend to a parallel universe.

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  1. Profile photo of
    says
    January 31, 2013, 11:43 pm
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    Here’s my vote!

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  2. ssabatino says
    December 4, 2012, 1:48 am
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    The words that come to mind after reading this script are “comic book.” Your characters lack dimension and development. Your plot takes huge leaps without sufficient explanation. For example: on page 30, you go from the two “discovering their power” to “let’s rob a bank” and then to “who needs money anymore.” At this point, the audience is asking more questions than the characters are. The horrific car crash scene was rushed in the plot. Then, on page 38, how does the woman on the bridge end-up at the police station for questioning? The reunion scene, between Griffin and Kendra at the quarry, is ridiculous. Her boyfriend has been in a coma for two months and then disappears, and all she says is, “Are you alright?” That conversation would not have gone that way, unless the characters where cartoons. Here was your opportunity to answer some key questions. Even Stan Lee based his characters’ super powers in science. You can’t just make-it-up as you go, which was how this script read. Unless your audience is of the adolescent variety tuning in to Cartoon Network, you need to be respectful of its intelligence. Anticipate these black holes in the plot and fill them in. There’s a difference between craftily divulging information through action and leaving the audience out-to-dry. By the way, that opening scene – the all important opening scene – was never addressed later in the story. You mentioned Jade at the very end, but did not explain her purpose. I think you are trying too hard. Solidify your conflict. Is it internal or external? Obviously, Hugo is the antagonist, and Griffin the protagonist. Bring that into focus and center the action on the tension between the two. You can definitely afford to cut several characters. Remember, if the scene does not move the plot toward climax, cut it! As for the transcending business, it is a bit “Rod Serling.”

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    ericmozil says
    November 28, 2012, 7:57 pm
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    I thought your logline was interesting, but did not go well with the title. This idea of ordinary people having extraordinary powers is overdone, but you did a pretty good job with it. The dialogue was well done as were your characters – very distinct. I had a hard time figuring out where the script was going, which I think you need to work out. I only found a few minor grammatical errors which is good. At 127 pages, you are easily 17 pages longer than you should be for a spec script. That’s just what I’ve heard. So good luck with that. Over all, I thought you did a good job and I look forward to reading future rewrites.

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    Lidless says
    October 31, 2012, 1:59 pm
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    Excellent premise and well-written. A few points to consider:

    1 The idea of a power or superpower corrupting its owner (Lord Acton’s dictum) has been done many a time, most recently with Chronicle earlier this year. This is a different concept but the same underlying story essentially. Then again, there are only seven stories ever written. This is easily sufficiently different for it not to be seen as a copycat.

    2 You need to come up with a different name for ‘the Void’. You should not be able to have fun in something with that name. The phrase has already been used where there is no time dimension in Doctor Who, where the name seems more appropriate:

    “The Void was what the Time Lords called the emptiness between universes. It was known to the Eternals as ‘the Howling’ and to others as ‘Hell’. The Void contained no temporal or spatial dimensions, but spatial language might have been used to conceptualise it. For example, the Tenth Doctor confirmed that the Void had no ‘up’ or ‘down’, but spoke of the universes within it being ‘stacked’ on top of each other. Even ‘time’ in most senses, didn’t actually exist there.”

    Now *that’s* a Void. In fact something to avoid. Ka-ching!

    I have some ideas on names, but this is your (excellent) script, but the name really has to change IMHO.

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      Lidless says
      October 31, 2012, 2:00 pm

      Sorry – miisunderstood the budget rating. This would have a high budget. A lot of SFX shots.

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  5. wardparry says
    October 29, 2012, 1:59 pm
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    Conceptually, some really nice work here. Reminded me of Chronicle as I was reading through this and you have as much a flare for casual dialogue as Max Landis does.

    Alas, as writers our bete noire is structure. It’s here that I felt you struggled. First up, 128 pages long? Dude, you got to be able to edit your own work better. It’s okay Chris and Jonathan Nolan writing 160 pages worth of screenplay. Unfortunately, we don’t get the same pass. Get this down to 110.
    Structurally, it felt incoherent at times. Simple fixes would be to slim down your description. It’s really dense right now and slows the read down. Get economical with this. You’re probably familiar with the term white space? Get more of it on your script. Readers for studios are going through 2-3 scripts a day, make it easy on them, they’ll appreciate it.
    The car crash happening on page 15, for me, is too late particularly as Hugo’s character hasn’t really been established at this point. Also, it would make a great impact opening. Look at 28 Days Later and see how Alex Garland drip feeds the new world. I felt Hugo and Griffin were too informed too quickly here. This is their new world and it didn’t feel new to them. Who’s Jade btw? You open with her and then she disappears. Your transitions between acts are weak at present, and I didn’t feel the story was being pushed along – this is a pacing issue and you can sort this with a thorough edit.

    You have something that has a lot of commercial viability here, and with some solid structure you have a sellable script. I loved Chronicle, and I think this could have a similar impact. Keeping my fingers crossed for you. WP

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  6. Profile photo of normanwilliam
    October 23, 2012, 5:21 am
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    What a mission. I read 10 scripts in 1 month from this site and rating them all at the same time. The scripts I thought were crap I’m not rating. This I absolutely loved!!! Good job.

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    Rosecon1 says
    October 20, 2012, 12:11 pm
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    Excellent script. The logline was a little vague so I didn’t know what to expect, but after the first 5 pages I was hooked! I read it in one sitting and was VERY impressed. Good job!

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    Movieguy33 says
    October 15, 2012, 12:50 pm

    I spent the morning reading some of the top rated screenplays on the site and this one (by far) is the best one I read. I thought the log line had some real potential and the script itself was way better then I ever thought it would be.

    The concept of normal people gaining extraordinary powers isn’t new, but the writer really took it to another level. All the characters and the dialogue throughout the entire script were simply fantastic. I love the Griffin/Hugo balance and introducing the Eddie/Winston characters halfway through script brought in even more excitement. I also couldn’t tell where the script was going to go from one page to the next, which is a problem I usually have when reading “amateur” scripts.

    Some of the other scripts I’ve read were REALLY hard to get through, some of them were down right painful actually, but this one had a great tone and flow to it. I found a few minor grammar issues but nothing that would warrant any major concern. Very good job! I look forward to following this scripts progress. Cheers.

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    Wolfie11 says
    September 20, 2012, 2:34 pm
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    Excellent job. The characters were very well written. There was a great deal that I enjoyed about the script, a couple things I specifically liked were:

    * The pacing.

    * The idea of having three of the characters being “trapped” in the void. I thought this took a good idea to a whole new level.

    * Finally, the fact that you made the Winston character blind, which was brilliant actually.

    I would have loved to see even more with the “camps” at the end, but at 127 pages I know that would be difficult with the way scripts are done. Once again, excellent job. Continue writing and I’ll continue reading!

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  10. admin says
    September 14, 2012, 2:40 am
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    Vote for MrPickles:

    Overall: 4
    Concept : 5
    Story Structure: 4
    Character: 4
    Dialogue: 4
    Grammar: 4
    Budget: 4

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    MrPickles says
    September 13, 2012, 10:19 pm

    Overall: 4
    Concept : 5
    Story Structure: 4
    Character: 4
    Dialogue: 4
    Grammar: 4
    Budget: 4

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  12. Yopauly75 says
    September 13, 2012, 9:40 pm

    Really good sci-fi script. Just the thought of “the void” scares the hell out of me. The idea that you could be caught in this world forever is terrifying. I really enjoyed the struggle the two main characters go through and the ultimate consequences of their actions.

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  13. September 12, 2012, 4:49 pm
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    I liked this story a lot! The script was a great read, a real page turner. I really like the idea of the void and being able to stop time and take advantage of that situation. I thought the two main characters were really well written and the flow of the script worked really well. The scene at the bridge is something I would really like to see on the big screen, I imagine it being like a one big Rube Goldberg Machine.

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    MrPickles says
    September 11, 2012, 8:56 pm

    I loved this script! Very well written. So many scripts that I read don’t have a good “flow’ to them, but this one surprised me. I wasn’t planning on sitting down and reading the whole thing but I couldn’t stop (which is probably the best compliment I could give it). I’m so glad it had a good ending. Reading it, I kept hoping that the writer wasn’t going to screw it up in the end and i wasn’t let down.

    One thing I’d like to point out to the writer . . . On Page 43, it says Hugo and Kendra sit on the edge of a cliff . . . I think you meant Griffin and Kendra (Hugo isn’t even in this scene).

    Good job!

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    Jezabel12 says
    September 11, 2012, 3:19 pm
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    Frankly, I didn’t know what to expect when I read the logline, but I was pleasently surprised! I enjoyed the script a lot! I thought the concept was very original. Like the last reviewer stated, it was a very quick read, which I appreciated. I read it in one sitting and was entertained through out the entire story. A lot of stories involving “time” tend to be confusing but I found this story very easy to follow.

    The dialouge and the characters were very believable! There were several times in the script that I thought it was going to go one way and it went totally the opposite (in a good way). Sure it got a little “fantastic” at times but it worked! That’s what is great about science fiction, it allows for a bit of the strange. Very well done.

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    jjcj3113 says
    September 9, 2012, 5:43 pm
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    Poor Sarah (was that her name) lost in the void for all eternity. I guess when she sobered up she really freaked out! Talk about being in hell… LOL

    I liked the concept of the story and it started out really exciting. It was a quick read but I was a little disappointed as the story progressed. It just took a turn into the absurd that lost me with all the crazy things that happened. Diving into the ocean to pull out a dead corpse, the whole city being shut down into camps because of one crazy man. But there were a lot of funny moments.

    This is just my opinion take it or leave it.

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