The Sword Keeper
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The Sword Keeper

On the edge of the three golden kingdoms’ demise; two reluctant heroes will rise to claim their destinies: for glory, for honor, for love, for righteousness.

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  1. Profile photo of jusork
    jusork says
    June 29, 2012, 1:29 pm
    Overall
    Concept
    Story Structure
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    Dialogue
    Grammar
    Budget (1-Low / 5-High)

    I sense an epic story, and I can tell you intend it to be, but the storyline is anything but.
    First, the little things:
    You’ve got typos throughout. They are pretty much all words that wouldn’t be caught by your spell check.
    Characters are only all caps when you introduce them. You have them in all caps a few times.
    Your use of the semicolon is not used right in any way. A lot of times, it looks like you threw one in the middle of a sentence.
    You also have, especially toward the end, sentences that are literally separated into two different paragraphs, seemingly on purpose because you even put a period in the proper place and capitalize the first word of the next paragraph.
    Sometimes you write your action at the wrong point, such as after the character who is doing the acting has spoken and supposedly done the action. A good example is throughout page 27 starting when you say Tristan is loosing his temper as Aaron is talking.
    Your writing of action is muddled at times. At one point you have a character growling as they laugh. ? Either your action is confused or your sentences are incomplete.

    And now story criticism:
    The information given in the voice over could easily be more creatively stated in another way, such as through dialogue. Not only that but that’s really the only time you even use it.

    You describe up to a whole paragraph of a character’s traits whenever you introduce a character. Hair and facial features are good, but descriptions of their desires and how they respond under pressure are overdoing it. How are we supposed to know those details? Is it not clear in the script? You need to show character details through action and in how they talk. You do this in your action sometimes, too. “Farein seems extremely confused by her feelings for Tristan.” How so? Why not describe how this is shown to the audience? You can’t write scripts in third person. The best scene descriptions you give are nearly all passionate, moments of romance. I think you spent more than enough time on romance. I doubt there are any other ways to say ‘I love you’ either. They love each other. And they’re extreme romantics. I think I got it. It is pretty much a pure romance flick with a little action thrown in but you’re still overdoing it with the same basic details. Add more.

    You spend a lot of time on cinematic details that could be better spent on details important to the story. The color of her eyes? The sunlight peeking through the trees? What’s the point? The castles are always exceptionally beautiful and the winds are always “great winds.” Even the emerald green grass is “breathtaking.” You have a lot of these superfluous details that could be better spent on describing the character’s action and reaction, which you often don’t do in clear or informative detail. Is such hyperbole necessary like the perfections of the kingdom and heaven. If this is important, describe why its beautiful, not just stating that it’s basically heaven on earth perfection. I bet if you took out all these useless lines and explanations, you’d have about an hour worth of story. By the way, isn’t tanned ivory skin contradictory? A lot of the story seems to be told by someone who knows this world and how things within it work. You need to assume we know nothing, and tell us all the important things, such as the quest, early on, not later on or whenever you need to. “wears the look and glow of love” I have no idea what this looks like. “they hold such dream-like elegance inside of them, so much so that the only place that rivals their beauty is heaven itself.” Similes and metaphors have no place in scripts.

    The dialogue is verbose and overdone at times. Get to the point, especially with dialogue between characters where you start to go in pointless jousting circles. Don’t overdo your dramatic dialogue. You can keep it simple and put more in the action, like when the holy one physically blows and holds down the evil one with his powers to degrade him. A good example of superfluous dialogue is on pages 56-60 (it takes up four whole pages). It’s back and forth, don’t go, I must go, are you sure, oh yes, no wait I must kiss you again, and looking at each other and embracing on and off. It’d be much better if you let it just swell into one passionate moment and end of the scene.

    You often try to explain subtext in what should be your action description. Subtext isn’t meant to be described directly. that’s the whole point. You could use more action description at times, so use it for that instead. And please don’t describe what people are thinking in the action. Use facial expressions or something so we can see it.

    It takes so long for their romantic relationship to get going. Why does Farein need to be so conflicted. It’s not clear. She obviously feels something for him right away and he’s so super romantic except for their first encounter, her deep questioning doesn’t seem to have any precedence. And then she finally gives it to him when he promises. It takes up precious story space that could be used better.

    It would be good to establish the good versus evil story line earlier. Aaron is clearly going to do something evil, but I have no idea what it means for the story until later. Also I think it’d be good to clarify how Aaron’s evil develops. At one point Tristan is surprised when someone calls Aaron a murderer, then shrugs off the idea of Aaron being evil because he says he’s been that way from birth. Clarify Aaron’s character so that we can see if Aaron was turned evil or if he was just brought over voluntarily or semi-voluntarily.

    Except for the short mention in the heaven scene and the voice over way at the beginning, I have no idea what the sword keeper is and what it is needs to be clarified a lot if it’s going to be an important part of the story. I think I need to know more about how the sword works to explain why it’s so desired. What does it do that makes it so powerful? Why is Tristan the perfect sword keeper? More development of this storyline. You describe the characters, you establish that they obviously hate each other, and that Farein is meant to be the prophecy (despite denying it until God literally tells her to stop it). Perhaps it’s reasonable that she would deny this strange dream, but you could better establish her struggle with it.

    In the first Holy One scene, I wasn’t sure what to make of it. That world’s not well established and I don’t see the relevance at that point. We just suddenly meet these two beings. And then suddenly Aaron goes to see the evil one for some reason. For awhile, I was under the impression that he was God and lived in heaven with little human interaction. It seems though
    he visits occasionally and hosts ceremonies. It makes me wonder what his deal is really. Obviously he should tell everyone the problem with the evil one; if not then why have him able interact with people. Additionally, pretty much all of the Holy One’s language is confident. If a supreme being is confident that everything will be okay, then what’s there to worry about? If he has to have such a role in the story, I think he should be more limited, and worried about the force of evil taking control. I’m also surprised that he appeared at the battle and even participated in the battle like a mortal. I slowly started to feel the role of the Holy One becoming more pointless as the story went. You could easily get rid of his role and have all the information and rules given through other supernatural ways.

    Why does the evil one and Aaron believe the Holy One will pick Aaron? Why would they think that the Holy One would think that he is worthy? Was that really their plan all along, for the Holy One to give them this supposedly powerful sword (whose power is pretty vague really). Or does Holy One not know that Aaron is corrupted, despite all of the descriptions of him appearing pure evil. You created a conflict between Aaron and Tristan where Aaron has Tristan in a tough spot, only for the Holy One to come in and clear it all up in the next scene although it’s actually not until Aaron makes a snide comment that the kings realize that maybe they made the wrong choice. Talk about Deus Ex Machina. I’m confused why the evil one doesn’t know why the sword of peace isn’t at the ceremony. He seems like his big downfall is simply that he didn’t prepare very well. And why is he angry that they chose a “weakling of a boy?” And I find it funny that the evil one for some reason thinks he can go off and find the sword on his own. And he announces it to everyone.

    Farien is “mortally” stabbed and they must quickly get to the next kingdom, and so Tristan wakes up from the extreme sleepiness that got her killed to fight the beast first? Come on. Wouldn’t he be more concerned for his love than revenge? And then for the next seven days, you say he doesn’t sleep at all. He prays to god for his horse to get wings and then they appear? Is this the only prayer that the Holy One can grant?

    So you need to filter out the useless stuff and focus on development. Most importantly, if the conflict hasn’t come in by page 30, something is wrong. You can’t waste time on the little things while the story needs to get going. The filtering will help get it going where it needs to go. It’ll be a challenge, but I think well worth it in the end.

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    tacanty says
    May 31, 2012, 8:24 pm

    I really enjoyed the script. It was very impressive. I can see that it took alot of thought and hard effort! I can not wait to see this on the big screen.

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  3. Profile photo of princesscheeks2
    May 27, 2012, 9:36 pm

    Visually dynamic! I had fun creating all the wild and imaginative places in my mind. Masterful storytelling and I enjoyed each and every character. I would buy a ticket to this movie tomorrow.

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    bibleman1 says
    May 27, 2012, 9:20 pm

    I thought the screenplay was wonderfully thought out and beautifully executed. I was never board reading it; and I especially enjoyed the new idea that one of the man characters was not only a strong young woman of color, but that she was also a princess. I’m looking forward to seeing this story being told on the big screen. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to review it.

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    • Profile photo of bibleman1
      bibleman1 says
      May 27, 2012, 9:25 pm

      Where it says man characters; I meant to say main characters. Sorry I didn’t read before I posted.

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    pfarein1 says
    May 24, 2012, 2:42 pm
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    I can’t wait to see this film on the big screen!

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