The Pied Piper
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Rating: 3.8/5 (30 votes cast)

The Pied Piper

A young gypsy and powerful musician seeks his revenge on the townsfolk who murdered his father a decade earlier.

Monologue: Pages 11, 50, and 109

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  1. March 16, 2013, 5:38 pm
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    Most of the script was either too slow or uninteresting tor me.

    I do however appreciate your writing skills, in that you paint pretty pictures, just not ones containing enough drama, conflict in them for me to want to genuinely be engaged with the story.

    Ron

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    jeziers2 says
    February 24, 2013, 3:23 pm
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    I think it is a good concept. Its very edgy and seems to be a good mystery/scary story. It leaves you wondering what is going to happen and makes you think of different ways this could play out. Great character development here. good job.

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    G-rad says
    February 1, 2013, 10:45 am
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    Very enjoyable.

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    nspringer1 says
    February 1, 2013, 2:01 am
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    perloff says
    February 1, 2013, 1:52 am
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    This was EXCEPTIONAL! A joy to read!!!

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    • wardparry says
      February 1, 2013, 9:16 am

      You’re going to make me blush Scott. Best of luck in the competition. WP

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  6. January 31, 2013, 3:45 pm
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    my vote

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  7. January 31, 2013, 3:41 pm
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    I enjoyed it.

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  8. January 31, 2013, 3:19 pm
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    Great idea. This reminded me of my favorite book THE PILO FAMILY CIRCUS. It was fun an kept me reading. Only criticisms is i felt it was a little slow at some points BUT that was not to the script detriment.

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    GymkataFan says
    January 26, 2013, 7:19 am
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    Based on a classic. Excellent story-telling and character development.

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    • wardparry says
      January 26, 2013, 11:48 am

      Thanks for taking the time to read the script and for the feedback. WP

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  10. January 24, 2013, 1:58 am
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    This was a great screenplay, I thoroughly enjoyed it. I’m thinking about reading it again. I was really surprised by how funny it is. Bright future.

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    says
    January 23, 2013, 4:54 pm
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    Here’s my vote.

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    • wardparry says
      January 26, 2013, 11:52 am

      Thank you for reading. I’m a little confused – you scored it one star and then voted for it? WP

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  12. recluse says
    January 16, 2013, 4:55 am
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    unique

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    lanesworld says
    January 8, 2013, 3:19 pm
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    This certainly is an intriguing one! I love the imagery and tone. I don’t have very many recommendations. Perhaps a little more clarity wouldn’t hurt. In the hands of a skilled director, I could see this being an evocative piece.

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  14. Profile photo of peterbrooke
    January 6, 2013, 4:53 pm

    Voted and fingers crossed fo you. Will cost the earth to make but outstanding narrative, regardless.

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    vmeakin75 says
    January 3, 2013, 4:12 am
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    Loved this screenplay. It’s a great read on the page and I’d be very excited to see it on screen. A refreshingly very dark take on the fairytale subject matter, which many only flirt with before returning to safe ‘it’s ok after all’ ground. Good work and good luck!

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    maxradbill says
    December 9, 2012, 3:07 pm
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    Great, great story! Loved it from start to finish. Powerful stuff!

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    mrcaspian says
    December 7, 2012, 9:37 am
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    Intelligently crafted and beautifully executed noir-ish fairytale.

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    • wardparry says
      January 26, 2013, 11:54 am

      Crow! Thank you for the kind and appropriate words 😉 lol WP

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  18. December 3, 2012, 10:49 pm
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    love this!!

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  19. November 29, 2012, 5:26 am
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    Just to add my ratings to above comment

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  20. November 29, 2012, 5:24 am

    Both writer and script demonstrate in great measure how a combination of an exceptional natural talent for story-telling, perseverance and the ability and inspiration to refine a piece of writing into pure gold, pays off. This one has all the potential of a shooting star and I can’t wait to see the movie! A brilliant script Ward.

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    jusork says
    September 8, 2012, 11:47 am
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    You’ve got a very well written script with great storytelling. You’ve created a great conflict. Dagobert killed his father and we hate him for it, but we also sympathize with him, which makes Michael’s desire to kill him much more of a struggle. At the end, I was hoping that struggle would become a stronger part of the story between them, but it ended up just being a little struggle for Michael.

    Most of my issues come from wording or grammar or the descriptions in scenes. For example, I wasn’t sure about the reasoning of Dagobert’s first piece of dialogue. She asks if gypsys are bad, I don’t see how what he says relates. Is he saying gypsys aren’t bad, things are only bad when they are allowed to be bad? It’s confusion like this that makes me want to understand Dagobert’s thinking better. Is all he wants basically to keep control of the town by making people happy? I think it wouldn’t hurt to make his true intentions clearer; they may make the character a little more black and white, but I don’t think overly so.

    A lot of times I don’t follow the implications you are trying to make. Your writing is very economical, but I think some of the descriptions you give could be more clear or apparent. Also go over your script again to make sure you aren’t missing words or details, and that your grammar is good. There are a series of instances of each.

    Why do you introduce characters sometimes as ‘characters we will come to know later.’ When you introduce Taggart, why not just call him Taggart? And you refer to him as evil. Is that necessary to say flat out to the audience?

    Shouldn’t it be (o.s) not (v.o) since the people are nearby within walking distance?

    When the young girl stares at the snake at the beginning, first I was wondering who she was to be focused on so much, second how come you show her reaction, yet we neither see nor hear anything from the angry crowd, who play a major part in the next scene.

    Confused by the Tellson/iron bars scene on page 31. Not sure what is happening to him in relation to the bars. You reference the sharp points to imply that he is being thrown into them, and then instead is tossed past them?

    “his dream returning to him” on page 35. What dream?

    On page 37 you say Taggert’s name but don’t reintroduce him into the scene. Did you mean to mention his name there?

    The ending is very beautiful but I didn’t get a strong impression of it with the theme. Perhaps there should be more of an impression that the children will always remember the music from Michael instead of his negative connotations of being a gypsy. All I got though was Michael leading children to the river and Pig being scared for his son. Why was he walking menacingly? Is he going to make the children fall into the river? I also see no reason for the voice over to not just be actually spoken aloud in the scene. You don’t need to do it. I think speaking to the children would make sense, or even to Christina.

    Good read though and good luck.

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    • wardparry says
      January 26, 2013, 11:56 am

      Thanks for taking the time to lay out some really detailed and constructive notes. WP

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  22. gregorj says
    September 5, 2012, 6:36 pm
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    Excellent!

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    August 31, 2012, 5:12 pm
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    Outstanding. I’ve sent you a private message about this. Watch your formatting early up with the V.O.’s – did you mean O.S.?
    Splitting hairs – this is a great read.

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    rkwok says
    August 25, 2012, 9:27 am
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    Very well written with a sure and accomplished style. I thought the diaologue was very good: often doing these period pieces result in grandiose and stilted dialogue but here I think the tone was just right. The script has a good cinematic feel to it. The “world” of the characters is easily believable. The story has the feel of a dark fairy tale and the character of Michael is very well defined and his journey clear and exciting.

    Some hopefully constructive specific comments:
    – I was a bit confused about the motivations of Dagobert: up till the scene when he ordered to burning of the farmhouse, I thought he had some good in him. Eg on p8 has asked Taggert to stand back when he was ready to stone the gypsies; he talked about fear driving him; he tried to maintain some control at the village fete when the gypsies originally appeared; or p81 when he could have killed Michael but declares that he is no barbarian: why then at the end burn the place down and kill Corney and Michael? Just as an alternative, maybe deep down Dagobert is a good guy and he ends up saving Michael in defiance of the town people and he himself gets killed by the townspeople?
    – Christina popping up via voice over: way too many times (I think I counted four); just too co incidental
    – While the scenes in the orphanage were very well written, I thought they were down a well trodden path: orphan, no food, bad boys beating him up, locked in a dark place; I was hoping for something really disturbing and frightening to challenge Michael
    – P8 why did Michael rush towards Dagobert?
    – P27 the finding of Catchpole’s body: effective but I think you needed a bit of time lapse between Catchpole being stupid by standing up to the bully and when his body is found; this will give a better element of surprise;
    – I notice a lot of use of the word “whilst”: are you English and not American?
    – A bit of historical checking needed: fire of London 1666; first commercial steam engine 1698; I think you mentioned steam engines at a time when there weren’t any (p30); I am happy to be corrected on this;
    – I was confused as to why Michael had the cough but it never developed into the plague
    – P48 why the special speech from Dagobert when the foundry has been in operation for a while?
    – P100 why did Dagobert throw Corney into the farmhouse and then set it on fire without really checking whether Michael is there?
    – I would have liked more drama and tension between Christina and Michael at the time he stopped playing the pipe and let the children live; at the moment, it seems like one glance from her and he sort of gave up his playing; need to show more his struggle between love and revenge
    All in all, a nice piece of writing. Keep it up!

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  25. Profile photo of billyaltieri
    August 12, 2012, 4:08 pm
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    Sorry it’s taken me a while to read the latest incarnation Ward. You’ve really built this world for us. The comment before touches on what it most exciting about this. A young piper. Some sloppy formatting Early on, which was odd for you, but other than that youve got something here. This isn’t a 5 star script, but to compensate for the moron who scored you 1’s after not reading I’m balancing the books. Call you next week.

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    • wardparry says
      August 12, 2012, 4:31 pm

      You’re too kind Billy! Funny, if he’d just said he’d read it and scored me 1’s I wouldn’t have minded. No accounting for brains, I suppose.
      If you’re still looking for alternative comedies, there’s a fun script on here – Tea With Bin Laden. You should give it a read. You’ll like it. WP

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    jeffsal says
    August 12, 2012, 12:42 pm
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    Very cool fairtyale with a twist. Obviously, this is something of a hot button for Hollywood. Getting this script in shape as soon as you can to get it out there is the smartest thing you can do. You have a strong descriptive voice that really brings life to your story. Clean up some of the rough spots with your punctuation and format, so readers will take it seriously. Dump unneeded language (we see hear, sounds of….). The key is great writing is the ease by which you set up your canvass… Use less words to tell your story and paint your picture. You already have an amazing descrive skill. No need to overdo it.
    Add some depth to your characters, with less repeated beats. The Plague could actually be made scarier, almost all-consuming. What are these characters’ true thresholds. Goals are aligned, but fear dictates action. The threat needs to feel even more real (not just plague this or plague that).
    You have all these other elements, fear, scarcity, death, looming horror. You certainly have some wild characters. The choices for age and direction of characters is also very smart from a marketing perspective. The Piper in particular. In fact the creative choices are as distinct as your discriptive voice throughout. Some, however, you may want to rethink in act three, in order to punch up the closing a bit.
    There are actually moments where I was expecting a bit of magical realism, but you kept restrained. A script I would recommend reading if you can…THE KILLING ON CARNIVAL ROAD. It may be helpful and is about 4 years old. PAN is also another script that could be a good read for you as the reimagining aspect was incredible in both scripts. Piching eoither of these up will help take your writing to the next level. You are really very good, despite some sloppiness that you must take care of to be taken seriously. You definitely have something worth developing further. I hope to see this movie someday. Good luck!

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    • wardparry says
      August 12, 2012, 3:30 pm

      Thanks for the feedback. Working on getting traction on this for about 2 years. Seems like the wheels are turning a little faster now. Both great film recommendations. I’ve seen them both and interesting that you suggested them. WP

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    djzoso says
    August 11, 2012, 5:31 pm

    I couldn’t get through the first five pages, sorry dude.

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    • wardparry says
      August 11, 2012, 8:02 pm

      Thanks for the feedback. Though I’m curious how you could score my script 5 on budget if you couldn’t get past page 5? I have no problem with you trashing my script to help someone out but at least be honest about it. WP

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  28. Profile photo of jimmymcdaide
    August 2, 2012, 9:08 pm
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    Try again

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  29. Profile photo of jimmymcdaide
    August 2, 2012, 9:03 pm

    Ratings didn’t load.

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  30. Profile photo of jimmymcdaide
    August 2, 2012, 8:31 pm

    You’re onto the fairytale with the last gig in town. This is really well paced and put together. The arc of the characters moves nicely, and not predictably. Opening felt like Sleepy Hollow with the introduction of the town’s characters – you bring them back just in time, was beginning to question their relevance. I liked how this kid was shaped by his environment rather than a trigger moment and a series of predictable events. Yeah, good stuff. Really had me mulling on this after the read.

    It’ll be interesting to see how this one goes, with the overtly dark setting containing an even darker theme. The two villagers out on the bridge could have something a bit stronger for them at the end. And there are a lot of characters. But really top job.

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  31. wmemoli says
    August 2, 2012, 11:44 am
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    Oliver Twist meets the Pied Piper of Hamblin. Don’t use We hear and We see. I would have liked to have seen a more shocking ending. You set up that Christina and Michael were going to run off to America but didn’t use it.

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    • wardparry says
      August 2, 2012, 1:46 pm

      Thanks for taking the time to read and the feedback. WP

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    sethm says
    July 31, 2012, 3:52 am
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    Excellent descriptive voice – evocative and really paints a great “dark” picture. Living in dark times with dark pasts – great themes.  You really create this world – very believable. 

    The characters are interesting are well developed and the distinctiveness is a real treat to read.  There seem to be a lot of them too.  Slight challenge keeping them all together in first two acts.  Understandably with the orphanage etc.

    Language is very strong and you have a solid grasp of the craft.  The bleak backdrop really pops and you do an excellent job of constantly punching this foreboding and generally frightening environment, where anything feels possible (in a scary way).  Very well done!

    Dialogue is solid.  Slightly repetitive elements at times.  The plague is clearly a central element, but act two seems all about if it is or is not happening.  There is a lull in the storyline that drags a bit although the conclusion remains satisfying.

    Some format inconsistencies and a proofreading would be advised — the writing is so strong, that seeing occasional sloppiness actually is jarring – and script deserves to be devoured. Very nice work!  Congratulations on a unique narrative

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    • wardparry says
      August 1, 2012, 9:30 am

      Thanks for reviewing and the feedback. Yeah, there’s some sloppiness on early formatting and a few typos. WP

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    melroggins says
    July 28, 2012, 5:43 pm
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    Incredible! This is one of my personal favourite fairytales – and like the other person here has mentioned, I am amazed there hasn’t been a big screen adaptation.

    You have put together something pretty special here. You take a familiar tale and pull it in a different direction whilst keeping the mystery and darkness of the original story. The setting of the pre-industrial England is perfect. I can just visualize the burning cauldrons and dripping red hot iron lavas! One question, was their still plague during this time? I thought it had come much sooner?

    Making the protagonist/antagonist a teenager whilst sure to promote the commercial viability of this project does something even better for me, it grounds the uncomfortable nature of the pied piper in a child which had me rooting for him to go in a different direction. There’s not so much magic in this and it felt Dickensian to me in its realism, which was great. I felt connected to the characters throughout. Some of your imagery is really mind-blowing, the opening in particular will both shock and exhilarate.

    My favourite character was Dagobert! Wow. He goes in all these directions and you never really know what to think of him. The scene with Christina when he tells her of his sadness was so poignant, and given what he’s done already, you shouldn’t feel a thing for him, but you do!

    Like I say, I think you’ve crafted something that has the potential to go on to big things with the right people behind it. I wish you the very best of luck with it.

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    • wardparry says
      July 28, 2012, 6:56 pm

      Thanks for the kind words. My fingers will remain tightly crossed for industry traction.

      To answer your question, the Black Plague, which did occur some 400 years earlier than the setting for this script, was followed by several smaller cases over a few centuries. Each time striking Europe with pathological fear given what had happened before. The narrative here isn’t quite industrial britain, it begins in 1729 (a few decades after the great fire of london) and ends 10 years later on the eve of the industrial revolution. I should make that clearer – thanks for the observation. WP

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    • wardparry says
      July 29, 2012, 5:34 pm

      What didn’t work for you? Forgot to ask yesterday. Thanks once again. WP

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  34. Profile photo of kristinanamericaland
    July 19, 2012, 1:07 pm
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    Great story, great character development. Really surprising that no one has made this story yet!

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    • wardparry says
      July 19, 2012, 1:21 pm

      Thanks so much for the feedback and very generous scores. What are the negatives?

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      • Profile photo of kristinanamericaland
        July 19, 2012, 1:27 pm

        While there has been a trend in Hollywood to “go dark” with timeless stories (ie. our dark brooding Batman, Red Riding Hood, etc.), at first glance some may find the material a little overwhelmingly dark. Particularly that it tackles child labor/abuse, which is never an easy sell.

        However, I wouldn’t change where you’ve taken the story. For softies like myself – the director can emphasize an open-ended cliff hanger to let us yellow bellies pretend there is some hope.

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  35. wardparry says
    July 13, 2012, 11:18 pm

    You’ll have to forgive some rushed formatting of slug lines and V.O. instead of O.S. on some dialogue instruction. Thanks to all those who take the time to read and in advance for your feedback. WP

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