The Peace Line More Images
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Rating: 3.2/5 (4 votes cast)

The Peace Line

A walk to school turn horribly wrong for a group of Catholic children.

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  1. SW63 says
    November 12, 2014, 6:31 pm
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    Sorry Lee – I just realised I never gave it a rating!

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  2. SW63 says
    October 14, 2014, 3:15 pm

    Overall I really liked it.

    Very relevant considering what’s happening at the moment.

    Good pace, plenty of tension. Dialogue spot-on. You obviously really understand the dynamics of Ulster. I think the only way I would change it would be more about the visual imagery – the Union Jacks, wall murals, armoured landrovers, PSNI with bulletproof vests, Orange paraphernalia, boarded-up windows / window guards, that type of thing.

    It just struck me that a more powerful finale might be if Sarah walks in on her own. More tension and greater bravery – a more powerful display of friendhip and hope for the future?

    Nice work.

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      leeoconnor says
      October 14, 2014, 6:29 pm

      Hi writer,

      Thanks for the read and comments. I have since done a new draft making alteration here and there and have included what you have mentioned.

      I don’t think I will post the new draft as a production company in Ireland has taken an interest in this one.

      Lee

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  3. Profile photo of raydavenport
    September 11, 2014, 11:39 pm
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    I did not rate this before but I have to and I am sorry for the poor rating O’Connor but I have to be honest here.

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      leeoconnor says
      September 12, 2014, 2:43 am

      I have no problems with negative comments or ratings, after all you entitled to an opinion.

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  4. Profile photo of raydavenport
    September 11, 2014, 10:10 am

    The overall story sounds interesting with Catholics versus Protestants theme but not that marketable, the concept is nothing new, no ones that religious anymore. I can’t rate the story structure since it’s only 8 pages long nor can I rate the character because I don’t have enough of the story to go on. Dialogue and Grammar is okay. But it seems like it could be a powerful story in the religious circles. And you can summit a 8 page script here?

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      leeoconnor says
      September 11, 2014, 11:48 am

      Hi Ray,

      Thanks for your feedback.

      Regardless if the concept is new or not this is a true story. No disrespect but I think that comment is a little ignorant, Conflicts between the two religions still occur daily in Ireland, especially northern Ireland. This is not a story just for religious believers. I’m not religious in the slightest, in fact there is a bigger message here.
      I don’t think I should be penalized for posting a short, i’m not the only who has. If anything it is harder to right a short, making your point clear and delivering a message in a shorter form.

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      • Profile photo of raydavenport
        September 12, 2014, 8:29 am

        My comment is realism, here in America nobody wants to hear about heaven and hell but the conflict in the middle east with the Israelis and Palestinians, Jewish versus Islam, people killing each other over religion. I like your motive but people are tired of hearing it.

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          leeoconnor says
          September 12, 2014, 8:47 am

          Your comment is true on the fact no one wants to hear it anymore, I totally agree. But try see past that and read the script for what it is. Thank you for your feedback and good luck in contest.

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  5. September 9, 2014, 11:34 pm
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    Double space after scene dialogue and single space after character dialogue. Also your scene heading must be in bold letters as well as your character names. It might read 9 pages but its more like 4 pages, if you didn’t space after each sentence. Consider revising your scene dialogue into a single paragraph. Unfortunately, not much of a story is being told here to merit a high recommendation into a full length feature competition. I wish I could give you a higher vote, but there’s not much of a story to critique. This screenplay leans more into an opening scene for a potential movie outline. I mean no offense if this story was in response to a social issue in your country, but I hope you find the time to finish the story one day.

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      leeoconnor says
      September 10, 2014, 2:42 am

      Hi Abel,

      Thanks for your comments. The double spacing after scene dialogue and single space after character dialogue is not necessary as for the bold letters for heading and characters, capitals will do.

      Scene dialogue shouldn’t put into single dialogue, this will not help with the flow of a script. I understand if it’s from the same action but there not.

      I’m not particularly worried about a page count, I don’t work on that. If the script is written over 9 pages, then It’s 9 pages. I haven’t stretched it out to make the script look longer.

      As for the “not much of a story being told here” I think you missed it.

      Two young girls from two different religions stuck in a feud, who maintain a friendship amongst the madness. They are a symbol, if two children can be friends putting aside religious beliefs and lifestyle, then why can’t everyone else, especially the adults.

      If this was to be made into a feature then I would be thinking of something along the lines of “The boy in the stripped pyjamas”. Although, the subject matter is entirely different, the children’s relationship would be seen as similar.

      I understand that this is not a feature, which you are right in that respect but this is a short story script.

      “Unfortunately, not much of a story is being told here to merit a high recommendation into a full length feature competition”

      As far as I’m aware the competition is for screenplays, which are short and full length. This competition doesn’t say anything about submitting a full length feature. I don’t think I should be penalised for that.

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      • September 10, 2014, 3:16 am

        I tried to be as honest as possible with what was in front of me… Please refer to rule #4 or visit the Rule page at http://www.screenplayfest.com/archives/145
        I can not give you the benefit of the doubt, when there are other writers who have worked harder than you to submit a full length feature screenplays into the grand prize contest… I gave you a fair vote as feedback, which I am hoping that you take into great consideration for the next competition. Good luck.

        BASIC SUBMISSION RULES:

        1. ANY COUNTRY may Submit and/or Vote!
        2. DO NOT MAIL US YOUR SCREENPLAY. This is an ONLINE COMPETITION. Scripts should only be submitted through our website, Withoutabox.com or FilmFreeway.com as a PDF File.
        3. When you submit your screenplay, please NO contact information on the script. Only TITLE and NAME — this rule is recommended, but not mandatory.
        4. Screenplays must be 90 to 135 pages in length. We will accept Shorts, Spec Pilots, Stage Plays, or Teleplays to earn feedback; however, they will not compete for the Grand Prize.
        5. Screenplays must be submitted in English.
        6. All writers of submitted material must be 18 years or older, including co-authored material.
        7. Screenplays must be the original work of the author. 1) Screenplays adapted from other sources that were written by other authors (such as but not limited to books or plays) are not eligible to compete in Philadelphia’s Screenplay Fest Competition, regardless of the source author’s permission. 2) Screenplays adapted from other sources by the author of that source are not eligible to compete in Philadelphia’s Screenplay Fest Competition if the source material has previously optioned, sold or produced.
        8. Screenplays that have been previously optioned, sold or produced are not eligible to compete in Philadelphia’s Screenplay Fest Competition.
        9. Please note, there are no refunds. We may however offer you a free submission for another contest if issues due arise.

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          leeoconnor says
          September 10, 2014, 4:40 am

          To say that other writers have worked harder than me it a bit unnecessary. You have no proof and facts on this matter to how hard I have worked.

          I am looking at rule number 4, maybe you should read it again.

          I am appreciative of your vote and comments. However, going down the route of trying to make me out like an idiot by posting the rule book on my page is unprofessional.

          I have read the rules and fully understand them.

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  6. Profile photo of doctormanion@gmail.com
    August 30, 2014, 11:00 pm
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    Heartfelt being Irish descent with dual US citizenship, having spent several summer vacations in the south and believe it or not the only time I ever spent in Belfast was the summer of 2001, your script resonated with me. Never could comprehend the hatred that exist. Still remember the armored cars, barbed wire guard towers, the painted building walls that mark a neighborhood.
    Anyway, this was a good read. I’m not a good judge of short scripts. I write feature action/thriller spec. scripts. Please read mine – CON DOC.It’s a fast read and has a religious thread. It won the American Screenplay Challenge at the Sacramento International Film Festival this year. I revised it, looking for feedback. Do not hesitate to be brutal. Thanks

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      leeoconnor says
      August 31, 2014, 8:19 am

      Thanks you very much for the read, I am humbled by your kind words.
      I’m glad that I have written a piece that someone can understand and relate to. I will be happy to return the favour and read you work.

      Thanks
      Lee

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