The Outcasts of Vandalore
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Rating: 3.5/5 (15 votes cast)

The Outcasts of Vandalore

In the year 2021 nuclear war results in a worldwide apocalypse. The few individuals, who survived the famine, plague, and mutations, escaped into caves and underground sanctuaries. Sixteen years later, the world that one group has created is in upheaval after six individuals are cast out into the ruins for trying to overthrow the leadership. The outcasts must now survive in a world overrun with bloodthirsty mutants and criminals that have been forced to walk the scorched ruins of the earth.

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  1. Profile photo of perloff
    perloff says
    February 1, 2013, 2:03 am
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    This has potential but I think some of what has been said below is valid. A little too long (maybe work some more to cut the fat). A little more originality with the characters… But, a lot of goog things too. I think this is goof but it could be great!

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    says
    February 1, 2013, 12:01 am
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    My vote.

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    rkwok says
    January 31, 2013, 10:44 pm
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    I am going to sound like an echo of some of the other comments. I think the writing was competent, the pacing was good but the story is too derivative and the script too long.

    I couldn’t understand why the outcasts decided to go back and fight it out when they could have done so the first place when they were inside. Essentially nothing has changed since Rhea was always with Malcolm. The retaking of the sanctuary was all too easy: nobody was on Vandalore’s side anyway. Need some more tension there. Seems like you ran out of steam at the end.

    There are a lot of scenes which regurgitate what happened before and if you cut them down (eg p51, 61, 62, 64, 92, 101 ) would make for a tighter read. That will also give you more room to develop some conflict between the outcasts and give them more of a back story so we cared a bit more when they get killed.

    I thought the dialogue was OK but do they all have to speak in some vague medieval/sci fi way? Maybe a bit of dark humor would not go astray.

    Finally I cannot buy that Walter didnt warn the others that Lilah could turn if bitten. It happened to Denton. Wasn’t that enough?

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  4. January 31, 2013, 3:28 pm
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    A bit too lengthy. I didn’t feel like this was very original. It was interesting and kept me reading but I think it had too many elements from other films from its genre. I’d try to make it more original. I think it does have potential but think of a way to make this stand out from all the other films out there. There is a film like this coming out every month it seems. Make it stand out and you’ll do well.

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  5. January 31, 2013, 6:13 am
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    Not my thing. I found it enjoyable enough to keep me reading, but it just seems like a hodgepodge of other things sewn together ive already seen in other sci-fi/action movies. Also, many of the sluglines dont have Day or Night on them.

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    GymkataFan says
    January 25, 2013, 2:40 pm
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    Cool theme but it’s too long!

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    Francisco says
    October 23, 2012, 10:30 pm
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    First of all, congratulations on your work. Please remember that this is my personal opinion, it’s not an absolute truth. I honestly believe you have a nice plot but you may reconsider a rewrite. You constantly use expressions like “as if” and you try to direct throughout the intire script, either with transitions or exhaustive actors’ indications. I also thing that your script has too much description, you simply “get out” of the story with so much description. Maybe you can cut some of it. Your script should reduce around 30 pages. It didn’t cath me for page one and the feeling went on until the last one… Characters were somehow flat and dialogues too. It seems that there’s no real character development and one can see from the start what will happen and how it’ll end. You write very well, indeed, but you should try and read some scripts from already made movies. It helps a lot. Try to see some European films too. They’re a great school for how to catch a spectator from scene one and always surprise him, with tones of twists. Since you use a lot of flashbacks, have you considered use an action on the main timeline to pass to that specific flashback? Like in the beggining, when Vandalore picks up the photograph and sees his wife next to him? (By the way, you could use the picture to flashback to his wife’s death instead of the unnecessary scene of them talking and make a bridge when Walker tells the story about the babies.) Personally, I would’ve been delighted if the script was more about how they survive and evolved inside the sanctuary after the nuclear accident (how they organize, form schools, made books, teatch crafts, get supplies, raise animals, creat those magic pills, etc) then a simple character whipe out on the desert. You have gaps like: Where did Malcom’s map came from? Out of the bloom? Walter said tones of times that he didn’t tell a thing to Vandalore so the chances that Malcom has a map are slim, don’t you think? Other thing that bother me was the out of the bloom arrow, too. I mean, although Walter had an amazing advantage of already been outside, how was it possible for him and Rhea to reach the top of the mountain and fire an arrow to save Lilah? (It’s a mountain!) Also, if they spent more than a decade in the sanctuary, didn’t Dock had time to teach someone about medicine? Get a pupil, a student? Now, don’t take this the bad way. I’m writing this because I think it’s useful for you and for your script. You are indeed talented. Have you considered adjust and rectify some details and turn it into a novel? Anyway, good job! One can see the investment and effort you have put in your script. I wish you the best of lucks!! And remember, stay true to yourself, your vision and, above all, to your script. Respect its own rules and you’ll go far, no doubt! Congratulations 😉

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  8. Profile photo of normanwilliam
    October 23, 2012, 4:56 am
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    When I started reading this I almost stopped. I don’t know why, I just wasn’t feeling it. The script isn’t perfect but my God it’s entertaining.

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    melroggins says
    October 14, 2012, 11:19 am
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    Conceptually, I’m all over this. Really terrific job. Well done.

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  10. October 2, 2012, 9:30 pm
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    its high budget film with open end………… i cant find any resolution with this logline

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    Wolfie11 says
    September 21, 2012, 11:16 am
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    I must be honest, I went in as a skeptic and now I’m a fan. I’m not usually a Horror/Thriller person but I really liked this story. Specifically, the two female characters Rhea and Lillah. As a woman, I really enjoy strong female roles and you’ve created two great ones here. They both kicked some serious butt and held their own with a major testosterone driven male cast.

    The story itself was VERY bloody but strangely enough it didn’t bother me. My husband would LOVE this story. Don’t wait for him to come on this site and read it because that certainly is not going to happen, but if it’s made into a movie, he’s in! Good job.

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  12. September 17, 2012, 8:39 pm
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    I have to say I loved this screenplay! It was an amazing read. I admit it was a little long; however the length did not bother me at all. It actually made it a lot easier to visualize everything in my mind. An ideal screenplay should be well written, move at a steady pace, flow with highs and lows, tell a great story and help the reader visualize what he/she would see on screen. This screenplay did just that! As I read each page I could feel the post apocalyptic world build up around me, when we entered the caves I could feel the dark and dreariness of them. The dialogue was very realistic and believable as well as easy to follow. I think if this screenplay were to come across the desk of the right producer we could see this in theaters as a summer blockbuster! Great Job!

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    jjcj3113 says
    September 15, 2012, 1:23 pm
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    Cut… The story was way too long.  It read too much like a novel.  Although you write very well and I didn't see any errors with grammar it was just way too descriptive.  You need to make your reader/viewer an active participant in the story.  Instead of spelling everything out in such detail.

    a screenplay is about the images you share with the viewer.  When the story gets so bogged down with the details it takes way from the images you are need to show.  Throughout the script you detail every thing down to the actual location as in "20 feet away" or the actual size of a cave, etc.  Cut your description to the bare bones of what you need to say.

    Although this is good when writing a novel you need to trust yourself as a screenwriter that the reader/viewer will get the picture, LESS is MORE.  Get into your screens as late as possible and out as fast as you can.  Get to the meat of the scene and cut the rest.

    The dialogue was natural, but I felt it lacked subtext.  You have a nice story here with a lot of potential, it just needs to be trimmed.  

    I can clearly see the conflict in all your characters, but I didn't see a lot of change in them from the beginning to the end of the movie.  There needs to be big changes from scene to scene and act to act.

    Once again, back to length, break your action down, instead of have such long paragraphs it makes for a hard LONG read.  Have you ever head of the 4 line rule, try to break things up so there is more white space.

    I know this may see a little critical, but I believe it needs to be said.  You are a very talented writer based on the other scripts of yours I have read on this site.  This is my advice to you.  I hope you take it as it is intended and don't take offense to my comments.  You can take it or leave it. 

    These are just some of the things I have learned from some very accomplished award winning screenwriters I have tained with.

    Good luck,

    Clayton

     

     

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  14. admin says
    September 14, 2012, 1:19 pm
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    Yopauly75’s votes:

    Overall:5, Concept:5, Story Structure:4, Character:5, Dialogue:5, Grammer:4, Budget:4

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  15. Yopauly75 says
    September 13, 2012, 9:15 pm

    Great story about survival, under the worst of conditions. The action sequences were filled with stress and danger. Dialogue was natural and engaging. The narrative had a really great flow to it. I would love to see it made into a movie!

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    Rosecon1 says
    September 13, 2012, 4:40 pm

    Really good. I’m sucker for anything “post apocalyptic” so this was right up my alley. What I enjoyed most about this story is that it wasn’t all about HOW the world got this way, but more about a completely seperate issue that the characters directly caused themselves. I also loved that you started with the punishment and the reader gets to figure out how this all came about through the course of the story. You’ve created some really complex characters (specifically the characters Rhea, Vandalore, and the Loon). The mutants were also described with good detail, which I was very glad you did, nothing is worse then someone writing the words, mutant or zombie and not having any description for the reader to imagine. It actually read scary too (the hive scene with the doctor had me shifting in my seat, lol) which is hard to do in my opinion.

    If I had one critical thing to say it would be that it was a tad long but when I sit and think about it, I’m not real sure what I would have you omit. And maybe it’s not a bad thing, most movies these days are pushing 2 and half to 3 hrs anyway. Bravo!

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    MrPickles says
    September 12, 2012, 8:02 pm
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    Wow, I really enjoyed this story! It was exactly what I hoped it was going to be . . . a balls out bloody/gory horror story (but one that was crafted really well). All characters were very well written. I can tell the writer really thought about these characters and was able to give each one of them their own distinct identity (the Loon being my favorite).

    I appreciated that straight out of the gate the story begins with a really intense scene, and the way the story was constructed, the reader has a sense of danger up until the last page.

    I was really worried when I saw the page count (I think it was around 132 or something), but it was a surprisingly quick read. I think the budget would have to be high for it to be done well, but with the way digital effects are today anything is possible. Good work.

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