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Sounds like you are just trying to release some pent up beliefs and turn it into a movie. It sounds strange, could work if you are not trying to push away the pro-choice people who represent most of the world!
Rik, even though I am 100% pro-choice, the two of us probably share the opinion that this is a matter of gravest importance. I also would concede that the “pro-life” side has a great many arguments in its favour and I’d love to see this shown in great movie. There’s much potential here.
I’d also argue that the 2nd sentence of the logline needs some rework, in particular the “…his conscience” is to overtly targeting a cheap effect. If you would replace this with more detailed hint towards the protagonist’s conflicts the logline may become a real hook.
Too vague, and a little poncy. It sounds like you’re trying to be a smart ass. Just state what happens. I’ve no idea what your story is about.
Why does he meet his conscience? What patient triggers this? And what are the consequences to him by overcoming his conscience or being dragged down by it. WP
Give the protagonist a real problem to make this stand out. It’s pretty decent but could be great. What if a patient is someone he knows? The last part really spoils the logline.
I like the concept of this movie. I get what you are trying to do with the last line, but it needs to be re-worked in order to create a more dramatic effect.
Good story concept. It just needs to be more succinct. Some verbage about his conscience would be helpful in picturing him.
Rik – there is tons of potential with this. We’ve seen it before and you might want to shed a bit of light on any more “juxtaposition” – alcoholic is good but might be evelated even further. Drop the ……. down to a simple … Maybe move doctor to after Sal’s name (alcoholic doctor – which indicates more immediate conflict). I like your comparisons – but might think about the dark comedic element to solidy your hook (what form does his conscience take – etc.). Looking forward to more – this is a great idea!
Thanks for the comments. This is something that dares hollywood to take a chance imo. This WILL get peoples reactions. The story is also amazing imo. I will not lie, this is a pro-life movie. I myself am 99% pro-life except in dire emergency cases. Anyway, I really do appreciate all your feedback and i’m also glad all of you were born. Sorry for the rant folks lol.
I find myself wondering if this is a great story or not…
Make it one sentence. “Doctor Sal Alvatoro is an alcoholic who provides abortions at a local clinic-” until (insert the conflict part of the hook here.) But instead of “conscience,” which is pretty vague, you should find a different word that applies to your script. Or put some adjectives before “conscience.” Right now it could work okay if you pitched it to a religious production company, or one that is anti-abortion, and that is fine. But it would work better as one sentence. If this isn’t an “agenda driven anti-abortion” movie that is intended to actually be “mainstream,” then it should certainly be re-worked. With this logline, the story isn’t anything that you couldn’t get from a “comic book” style piece of literature that numerous religous groups hand out in the parking lot of my local mall.
Doctor Sal Alvatoro is an alcoholic who provides abortions at a local clinic. Soon he will meet someone he has pushed away for a long time……….. his conscience!
Soon? …….If he meets his conscience in the movie, make it present tense.
When an alcoholic Doctor, who performs abortions, comes face to face with his conscience,…..bla bla bla bla…..What?…(all hell breaks loose, he is taken on a nightmarish tour through…..? or he has an epiphany that…………..?