The Girl Who Got A Second Chance: A Fairy Tale
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The Girl Who Got A Second Chance: A Fairy Tale

A screenplay about Saba, a poor girl with flaming red hair who finds her Prince Charming and becomes queen of the realm. But first, she must escape the jaws of a crocodile and kill a giant. And oh yes, like any proper fairy tale, there’s all the obligatory elements of the genre: magic, monsters, demons, an evil princess, a cross dresser…

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  1. Joker2008 says
    November 10, 2016, 11:01 am
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    Just Cliffhanger

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  2. SW63 says
    October 24, 2014, 11:21 am

    “This is the stuff the audience want’s to find out for themselves through exposition.”

    Sorry NOT exposition! I meant subtext of course!!!

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  3. SW63 says
    October 24, 2014, 9:44 am
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    Ok – this grabbed me because I am sick to death of stories about cops, lawyers, doctors and writers. From that point of view, it’s fresh – so well done.

    The title could be punchier – Drop the fairy tale bit for a start and you’re on the right road. “The Girl who got a Second Chance” is better – a bit like “the girl who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest”. total rethink of the title might work. I always try to come up with as many different titles for a script as I can.

    The logline is too long. You’ve got all the elements you need there, but we know it’s a screenplay – lose the phrase, “there’s all the obligatory elements of the genre” – again we know so lose it.

    You have a great concept and one or two potentially interesting characters – but you do have a lot of unnecessary ones as well. Try and get rid of them. There is no maximum or minimum as it all depends on budget, but too many is always too many. You can tell when you can’t keep track of them.
    Take Star Wars. Think of any character in the first three films (or the newer ones if you want) – the more obscure the better. Why do you remember that character? Answer – because there was something memorable about them. The Jawas, the Stormtroopers, the (puke) Ewoks, even the customers in the Cantina. Every droid had it’s own character trait. If you can’t remember a character then that character was not written properly.

    First scene: Not enough scene description. Riding past what? Some details which paint the scene are vital here to engage the reader. Also this section could be one continuous scene rather than four little ones each with their own slugline – it breaks-up the action.

    What prints?

    These woodsmen – they need more description – age, height, appearance, at least one outstanding characteristic to set them apart.

    Higg & Lavella – who are they. You introduce too many characters too soon. They are becoming amorphous.

    Now we have a countess and servants. More characters but no description and no action.

    Countess – “Oh Lord! The poor man’s possessed!” it’s on the nose. No drama. It should be like – “Someone get that filth away from me!”
    She a very generous countess – 5 gold coins!

    A feisty girl tied-up in a rope net would NOT start telling some thug all about herself. She would kick, snarl, threaten, etc. Think of Princess Leia.

    On the nose dialogue and too much of it. This is the stuff the audience want’s to find out for themselves through exposition. If you tell it to them, they will lose interest in your story.

    Where’s the conflict? There should be conflict (and tons of it) in every scene. Scenes without conflict do not allow your story to progress. As a rule of thumb for a drama – scenes which start happy should end sad and scenes which start sad should end sadder. Every scene should not only allow the story to progress but should allow the audience’s emotional journey to progress as well.

    Sheriff Willis – another flat character. Give him a disfigurement, make him ugly like a gargoyle, make him smell so bad even the other two are gagging – ANYTHING to give the character some depth.

    Page 7 – if Amlak is the hero, show us something heroic about him. And Tin Man – is he the comic relief? Let us know. Look at C3PO in Star Wars – within seconds of meeting him you KNOW he’s a whining rubbish robot whose nowhere near as cool as R2D2.

    OR the Tin Man in the Wizard of Oz – to start with he could be dangerous – the audience is left in suspense, until Dorothy oils his jaw and he can speak – Brilliant!

    She shakes her fist at Heaven? Too clichéd.

    Andreas, Lank & Brick – more characters. Again no depth. What makes Lank and Brick any different from Squeak and Squint? I’ve lost count of all the characters you’ve named. Are they all necessary? Remember cast wages is an important part of the film budget – then you’ve got to give them all costumes, feed them, house them… Producers really keep an eye on things like this.

    If you can cull any characters who don’t add to the texture of the story – CULL THEM WITHOUT MERCY!!!

    Now we’ve got Snort, Belch & Tubbs At Last!!! some character description! “Tubbs, 25, is fat and hideously ugly.” MORE MORE MORE FOR EVERY CHARACTER!!!!

    A prince would not say “my mum” to anyone – let alone a commoner.

    Make the characters more guarded, edgier – especially Saba. They need much more depth. Give each a goal (even the minor ones), give them a flaw and give them all a redeeming feature so that the reader and audience will want to root for them.

    The script is dialogue-heavy in places. Try to prune that right back. Only keep what needs to be said. Can it be better displayed in a look or gesture?

    There is a slow pace to the action which makes it hard-going at times. A lot of short scenes where nothing happens can go.

    As it stands I would say it is a fine first draft but it needs some serious work. It can be done because there is great potential here. Really look at it and work it over. Think about tightening up the characters and story structure – plus inject tension and conflict and then we could well be on to a winner.

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