THE EVEREST
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Rating: 4.0/5 (3 votes cast)

THE EVEREST

A guru with issues

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    1. November 26, 2016, 4:18 am

      Good story!

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    2. roknsrf says
      February 2, 2015, 1:22 am
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      After reading the posted reviews and the five stars ratings across the board by, not one, but two reviewers I had high hopes for this story. Unfortunately, aside from a strong beginning and a descent concept, I can’t possibly begin to write down everything that is wrong with this script. From all of the undeveloped characters (save Robert and Tim) to the constant amateurish use of montages and flashbacks to the English as a second language type errors in dialogue (not to mention the multitude of misworded common phrases) to the hundreds of misspelled, missing, and misused words to the plethora of grammatical mistakes, to the complete lack of San Jose Hispanic dialectic to the unimaginative names of the characters (Tim, Peggy, and Dominic as Mexican names, really…) to the ending that drones on ad nauseam, tis is clearly not a piece of work that could ever be given five stars in any category except by individuals with either no understanding of this art form, or those clearly conspiring to cheat and defraud this forum.

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      • KelvinT says
        February 2, 2015, 8:06 pm

        Hi Roknrsf. Thank you for taking the time to read and give feedback for my screenplay.

        In response to your comments, the main focus of the story is primarily on Robert’s and Timothy’s journey, which is why most of core character development was centred on these two characters. That being said, I have tried to flesh out the roles of the other supporting characters as much as I could to make sure that they were not just merely stand ins or plot devices within the page length of this screenplay.

        I understand that flashbacks can often distract readers from the momentum of the current storyline. In this screenplay, I use them only where it is deemed necessary to advance the story and establish an emotional connection to our main characters. This is done so that readers can understand the reasons for why these characters are doing what they are doing in the present.

        Can you further explain to me how the montages I used were amateurish? The implementation and structure of these montages were derived from several other Award-winning screenplays I have read – ‘Pulp Fiction’, ‘The Woodsman’, ‘American Beauty’, ‘Rocky’. Can you suggest improvements?

        You mention there were ‘hundreds’ of spelling and grammatical errors. Can you kindly direct me to which pages of the screenplay so I can fix it and update it.

        Finally, I cannot speak on behalf of the other reviewers but everyone is entitled to their opinion, as is yours when reading my screenplay. I am sorry that this screenplay has not met your expectations and I always endeavour to improve both my screenwriting skills and screenplay based on constructive feedback from others. I’m hoping that when other readers have the pleasure of reading your work, they too will hold the same level of standards when reviewing it.

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        • roknsrf says
          February 7, 2015, 12:03 am

          Hello Kelvin, I did take a couple of hours writing a very thorough and concise analysis of The Everest, but my laptop decided to erase the whole thing, so I hacked out the reply I submitted in two minutes in haste. That said, I do not care to rehash my criticisms of your work in that it would not be beneficial to you nor I. However, what would be beneficial is for you to submit your script to The Page Award Script contest and pay the extra fee to have it professionally reviewed. There critics are top notch and very thorough. They can explain what flashbacks and montages work and which ones don’t, as well as, all of the other essential changes and transformations your screenplay will need in order for it to be worthy of being picked up. The analysts for the Page Awards are actual script reviewers for many of the major production companies and their feedback is infinitely more valuable than mine. As far as proof reading, your on your own unless you hire an editor, but trust me when I say the process never ends.
          The only things I can add are: 1) make sure your dialogue and timeline ring true. Why are 10 year olds riding tricycles? 3 year olds ride tricycles. Why would anyone ever say, “chump meat?” No 17 year old Hispanic drug dealer from San Jose would ever say that. How could Robert lose millions in a couple of weeks? Rich people file for bankruptcy long before they lose everything. How could his highrise become dilapidated in the same time? It would take years for the kind of distress you describe to take place. How does Tim develop a relationship with Robert’s family in just a few weeks that would allow himself to call himself Uncle Tom to Chanice? (or any of the rest of the overly familiar scenes that take place between Tom and Robert’s family) Again, it takes years to develop that kind of relationship, so when does all this unseen bonding occur. These are just a few of the issues I had with trying to buy into your plot and premise. 2) If I use the expression, “a rolling stone gathers no dirt,” it would just sound ridiculous. So, when you use a common expression, I think you should use the traditional words everyone can identify with. Nevertheless, I do feel this story and concept have potential, but in order to get your script where it needs to be to actually get made, you will need the kind of help you can only get from a Page Awards review. Good luck.

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          • KelvinT says
            February 11, 2015, 6:14 pm

            Hi Roknrsf

            Thanks for getting back to me and taking the time to highlight areas within my screenplay that need improvement. That said, I will take your feedback into consideration and review my screenplay accordingly. Just wondering, have you entered through the Page Awards contest in the past and have they given you good feedback? Many thanks.

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            • roknsrf says
              February 12, 2015, 2:20 pm

              Yes, that’s why I made the suggestion to you. They have given me the best and most comprehensive review of my work, and it has always been done by an industry executive currently working with a major production company. I highly recommend it. On another note: personally, I think it sucks to have to write these kind of reviews as I am an amateur screenwriter like everyone else in this contest. Not to mention how upsetting it is to receive any form of negative feedback for something we have all worked so hard and slaved over for however many months. But, I am trying to give the best critique I can as a student of the art. I suppose I could just give the standard one line type of review that reads something like “Oh it was great – can’t wait to see it in the theaters” answer that seems to be so prevalent here, but unlike most of the reviewers, I’m not trying to win a popularity contest. However much I have loathed submitting to the rules of this contest, I want to somehow get what they are trying to teach me, and that is to be a proper analyst of my craft. That’s why I have taken the time to read dozens of scripts. Nevertheless, I must apologize to you for the harshness of my initial review of your work. I was altogether too worked up over the idea that those who had previously reviewed your script were at the worst, trying to cheat this forum, or at the least taking the easy way out. Unfortunately, the old axiom “if you don’t have anything nice to say, say nothing at all” is not a viable option when it comes to this sort of thing if one wants to actual learn the art of honestly critiquing other’s work. All that said, your story is a good one and worth being told, however, it is a lot harder to get your script made into a movie if it does not meet industry standards. We have our moms etc. to tell us how good our work is, but unless they have the capitol to fund our projects we have too learn the finer points of our craft and that only comes from getting our scripts torn apart so we can put them back together better than they were before. It might not be easy to hear, but sometimes that takes years and several proverbial beat downs. All the best to you in your journey through the process.

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    3. manyous says
      January 11, 2015, 9:30 am
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      It is definitely an inspiring and uplifting story Kelvin. Bravo :)=

      Here’s my feedback. Towards the end of the screenplay, and not to spoil anything, maybe you should introduce some breaks and pauses in the dialogue to give it better flow because it feels a little long winded at times. Also, when we cut between scenes at the end, try to introduce a ‘flashback’ sort of thing or insert cut in the header to keep the flow of the seminar scene, without distracting readers in and out of scenes.

      There were minimal spelling errors and everything was grammatically sound.

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      • KelvinT says
        January 12, 2015, 3:33 am

        Thank you for your feedback! I am in the process of updating the screenplay so I will definitely take your comments into consideration before I re-upload it. Many thanks :)

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      MrChips8 says
      December 23, 2014, 1:00 am
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      Beautifully written and executed. Exceptionally inspiring story. Keep up the good work!

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