The Aboke Girls More Images
User Rating:
VN:RO [1.9.17_1161]
Overall
Concept
Story Structure
Character
Dialogue
Grammar
Budget (1-Low / 5-High)
Rating: 3.5/5 (18 votes cast)

The Aboke Girls

After one hundred and thirty of her students are kidnapped by vicious rebel militia, an Italian nun working at a school in Uganda, pursues the kidnappers into the heart of a violent and lawless country. (Script Revision: October 2, 2012)

August 2012 LoglineFest Winner

34 Comments

Leave A Reply
  1. Profile photo of filmnerd74
    filmnerd74 says
    January 31, 2013, 11:58 pm

    I really enjoyed this script. Well-paced and well-written. Thanks for the read.

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    Report user
  2. Profile photo of
    says
    January 31, 2013, 11:58 pm
    Overall
    Concept
    Story Structure
    Character
    Dialogue
    Grammar
    Budget (1-Low / 5-High)

    Here it is.

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  3. Profile photo of brinnimarcus
    January 31, 2013, 11:41 pm
    Overall
    Concept
    Story Structure
    Character
    Dialogue
    Grammar
    Budget (1-Low / 5-High)

    pretty decent ideas, but not particularly gripping…

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    Report user
  4. Profile photo of ikadana
    ikadana says
    January 31, 2013, 9:10 pm
    Overall
    Concept
    Story Structure
    Character
    Dialogue
    Grammar
    Budget (1-Low / 5-High)

    I enjoyed reading your script. I been reading earlier comments and i agree that it reminds me of Kony 2012.
    I feel you can def get something out of it but it needs more rewriting. I found a lot of grammar mistakes that must be corrected! use spell checker! . I would cut down some of the characters. it will shorten up the length and might make it more interesting to read.

    Keep up the hard work! looking forward to your next one.

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    Report user
  5. Profile photo of ivorweiner
    ivorweiner says
    January 30, 2013, 11:14 pm
    Overall
    Concept
    Story Structure
    Character
    Dialogue
    Grammar
    Budget (1-Low / 5-High)

    This was a pretty easy read, although I was never pulled into the story enough to really care. I don’t feel I got to know any character well enough to feel any real emotions about the outcome of any of them, perhaps a circumstance of too many characters? With the right character development added to the action you already have in this action-packed script, there should definitely be some intense emotions stirred within an audience. Also, the formatting is off – we don’t underline sluglines, some dialogue blocks are too long, etc… Just google or get a book about script formatting, stick to the guidelines, and that alone will improve the script a great deal.

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    Report user
  6. Profile photo of KFitz
    KFitz says
    January 30, 2013, 1:13 am
    Overall
    Concept
    Story Structure
    Character
    Dialogue
    Grammar
    Budget (1-Low / 5-High)

    A very engaging and compelling script – well-researched.

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    Report user
    • wardparry says
      January 31, 2013, 9:58 am

      Thank you for the read and the words of encouragement. WP

      VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
      Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
      Report user
  7. Profile photo of yoyo
    yoyo says
    January 29, 2013, 10:35 pm
    Overall
    Concept
    Story Structure
    Character
    Dialogue
    Grammar
    Budget (1-Low / 5-High)

    dialogue too on the nose, didn’t feel natural.
    too many characters, hard to focus on one as the central MC.
    grammer and spelling needs work.
    stucturally the use of flashbacks might make it more captivating…

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    Report user
  8. Profile photo of Isab
    Isab says
    January 27, 2013, 9:24 pm
    Overall
    Concept
    Story Structure
    Character
    Dialogue
    Grammar
    Budget (1-Low / 5-High)

    This script held my attention to the very end. You certainly did your research. Thank you.

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    Report user
  9. says
    January 19, 2013, 2:02 pm
    Overall
    Concept
    Story Structure
    Character
    Dialogue
    Grammar
    Budget (1-Low / 5-High)

    I thank you for the opportunity to read your screenplay. My general impression is that you’re a capable writer and that you can tell a cohesive story with engaging/tense moments which engage the reader emotionally.

    I do have a few thoughts that might allow you to improve upon the piece. Of course, weigh the opinions against the opinions of other before making significant changes.

    My first thought is that Chris and the nuns seems to connect quite late in the story. I think it was significantly past page thirty when they really got going. I would suggest moving that forward.

    The Aboke Girls are the A-story, making the reporter and Helene the B-story. But even the B-story needs to have a resolution. As it stands, you could remove Helene and Chris from the story and nothing will change, because they really had no impact on anything.

    Also, I found that escaping the LRA camp was quite easy. Ellen and Esther had no resistance and Sarah/Norman had no trouble even though they ran into LRA that recognized them.

    The biggest opportunity you have is with grammar and spelling. All to often I came across words missing “s” or having and “s” when it shouldn’t have. It wasn’t just here and there, it was often, at least 1 per page. I understand that English may not be your first language, so grab someone whose skill you trust and have them proof read the screenplay line by line. Though it is story that matters most, frequent errors could distract an important reader, pulling them out of the story, possible ruining a sale.

    One note: When the aboke girl had to kill the other aboke girl – that was intense! Great job.

    Good luck with your editing and future sale.

    Random Notes:
    On 26, when he speaks of Jesus, I don’t think the nun would smile.
    27, how do we know, and do we care if the sctch is cheap?
    27, Rice and curry, don’t care.
    28, Need to indicate we are watching the television with (on tv). Also, if it is V.O., then indicate what we are seeing on the television, ie: scenes of hardship.
    29, Helene’s arms / Charlotte does too
    29, stands forward???
    31, moving them swiftly
    33, not sotto
    34, not sotto
    36, EXT. ST. MARY’S SCHOOL – DAY
    41, why are the nuns suspicious of his motives?
    41. and eventually face them. (delete)
    41. Before she has a chance to choose, (delete)
    41. She buckles, falling to the ground. Sarah gasps at the force
    of the slap. (This can be tightened: She falls, gasps.)
    42. You can write beautifully. Good for a novel which I would savor for weeks and take my time absorbing each image and word. But this is a screenplay. I want to be finished it quick. Tighten your prose to as few craftily chosen words as possible.
    42. The Older (???)
    44. 24/7. (Twenty-four seven)
    —————–
    63. This might help your readers connect emotionally with our plight.
    (beat)
    Maybe we do not need another white face speaking for Africa.
    ——————
    70. The radio conversation is long. Remember that we are looking at a screen and have to be thrilled visually.
    85. Is it night or dawn??
    86. Why does Ellen say thank you to the old man?
    87. Dirt fizzes into the dirt??
    93. World Vision

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    • says
      January 19, 2013, 8:23 pm

      And having posted too quickly without rereading, I admit my review grammar sucks.

      VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
      Rating: +1 (from 1 vote)
      • wardparry says
        January 19, 2013, 9:37 pm

        Thanks for taking the time to read and for your comments. Unfortunately, I am English and English is very much my first language, shame on me. In fact, I have a degree in it! I really have no excuses :(

        Structurally, this version of the script is messy. The current draft solves many of the problems that you and others have pointed out. The lesson here; don’t enter competitions with crappy drafts.

        Once again, thanks for taking the time to read.
        WP

        VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
        Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
        Report user
  10. Profile photo of peterbrooke
    January 6, 2013, 4:57 pm

    Good luck ward. Pied Piper is still some way ahead of this for me. But a worthy second. Voted.

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    Report user
  11. Profile photo of vmeakin75
    vmeakin75 says
    January 3, 2013, 4:16 am
    Overall
    Concept
    Story Structure
    Character
    Dialogue
    Grammar
    Budget (1-Low / 5-High)

    Really drawn to this concept. Would like to read your latest draft as well.

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    Report user
  12. November 29, 2012, 5:37 am
    Overall
    Concept
    Story Structure
    Character
    Dialogue
    Grammar
    Budget (1-Low / 5-High)

    A very compelling story and script with all the potential of a great movie. One can never tire of true life dramas of this kind, the mammoth struggles that they portray and the ultimate triumph of the human spirit over often unspeakable adversity.

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    Report user
  13. Profile photo of kristinanamericaland
    November 1, 2012, 1:16 pm
    Overall
    Concept
    Story Structure
    Character
    Dialogue
    Grammar
    Budget (1-Low / 5-High)

    I’ve followed this script for quite some time now, and based on the most recent edits – I believe this is exactly where it needs to be. While some may find another Africans in crisis tale a little been there, done that – there is nothing compared to a true life drama with such an unlikely heroine.

    If such a dog pile as ‘Shotgun Preacher’ can get A-listers and funding – it would be insane if someone doesn’t pick this up. Well written, well done full stop.

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: +1 (from 1 vote)
    Report user
    • wardparry says
      November 1, 2012, 1:32 pm

      Thank you darling. It’s great having one’s wife as one’s biggest fan x

      VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
      Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
      Report user
  14. Profile photo of normanwilliam
    October 30, 2012, 1:18 am
    Overall
    Concept
    Story Structure
    Character
    Dialogue
    Grammar
    Budget (1-Low / 5-High)

    I downloaded it so I could tear it apart and tell you how crap it is. But I actually enjoyed. Here are 2 facts. The writer is an asshole, but the writing is really good.

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: +1 (from 1 vote)
    Report user
  15. Profile photo of melroggins
    melroggins says
    October 29, 2012, 9:06 pm
    Overall
    Concept
    Story Structure
    Character
    Dialogue
    Grammar
    Budget (1-Low / 5-High)

    Sorry Wardo, not a huge fan. It’s well written but I guess I’m over the Africa in crisis thing. The main problem you have is there’s little on the nun before the shit hits the fan, so what has she lost? Ditto with the kids – we don’t see them before, so where’s the journey? Structurally, the acts are solid, and has your usual economy with description, but that’s the best of it. It’s also too sombre for me, though I liked the rain ending. Sorry, its a negative but I think you’ve had your good news for the week!

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: +1 (from 1 vote)
    Report user
    • wardparry says
      October 31, 2012, 8:30 am

      thanks for reading and appreciate the feedback, J. WP

      VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
      Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
      Report user
  16. Profile photo of raulito
    raulito says
    October 13, 2012, 6:40 am
    Overall
    Concept
    Story Structure
    Character
    Dialogue
    Grammar
    Budget (1-Low / 5-High)

    That idea is amazing. A good development and you could be a piece of work.

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: +1 (from 1 vote)
    Report user
    • wardparry says
      October 14, 2012, 8:10 pm

      Very kind words. I’m glad the re-write is working for you. Appreciate the feedback. WP

      VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
      Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
      Report user
  17. gregorj says
    October 5, 2012, 5:01 pm
    Overall
    Concept
    Story Structure
    Character
    Dialogue
    Grammar
    Budget (1-Low / 5-High)

    Excellent!

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: +1 (from 1 vote)
    Report user
    • wardparry says
      October 14, 2012, 8:10 pm

      Very kind words again! Thanks for taking the time to read. WP

      VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
      Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
      Report user
  18. wardparry says
    October 3, 2012, 12:53 am

    For any readers, please note on page 1 and 2 Sister Helene is referred to as Sister Rachele. The character’s real name was Sister Rachele, but I was asked to change it to Sister Helene. I had obviously missed the first two references to her. Apologies. WP

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    Report user
  19. wardparry says
    October 2, 2012, 6:42 pm
    Overall
    Concept
    Story Structure
    Character
    Dialogue
    Grammar
    Budget (1-Low / 5-High)

    Clean copy now uploaded. Its not perfect but immensely satisfying. Hope you enjoy and look forward to your feedback. WP

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    Report user
  20. dtbiello says
    September 13, 2012, 5:21 pm
    Overall
    Concept
    Story Structure
    Character
    Dialogue
    Grammar
    Budget (1-Low / 5-High)

    Kony 2012 Invisible Children has already been produced. This is a continuation.

    You lost me right off because I focused on John Bosco and his significance to the story. It’s not readily apparent. Was he a doctor or a soldier of fortune? I missed it in the action segments and didn’t find it in the dialogue. I was expecting Bruce Willis in Tears of the Sun.

    You dialogue incidentally was stilted. Do people really speak that way in Uganda?

    Also, I noticed period missing and misspelled words. I plead guilty myself and was dinged many times in other Screenplay Contests. The reviewer’s mantra was Edit Edit Edit!

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: +1 (from 1 vote)
    Report user
    • wardparry says
      September 13, 2012, 9:03 pm

      Totally fair comments. The draft on here is garbage and littered with shardy typos and formatting. It’s a layout draft that I wrote a few years back. I wasn’t expecting to win the logline competition and to enter put a very old draft up. I’m hopeful the administrators will pop up the re-edited one in the next few days. If not, I’ve got a long two months ahead of me 😉

      Yeah, uneducated youngsters in Uganda speak broken English, if at all. I had access to a lot of the interviews the survivors gave and as much as the temptation is there to give them shakesperean dialogue, I’m not sure that would support the authenticity.

      Appreciate the feedback. WP

      VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
      Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
      Report user
  21. Profile photo of jjcj3113
    jjcj3113 says
    September 9, 2012, 5:19 pm
    Overall
    Concept
    Story Structure
    Character
    Dialogue
    Grammar
    Budget (1-Low / 5-High)

    Overall this was a very interesting story, by the level of detail i can tell this must be a true story. You seem to have really done your research on the subject matter.

    The only reason I gave 3 out of 5 stars for character was because it was really hard to keep up with all the characters in the script. A lot of the girls just seemed to be interchangeable. I understand that there were 130 girls that were taken, but it might have been more interesting to only focus on 1 or 2 of their journeys instead of the 4 or 5 that you did, but that is just my opinion. I can see why you did what you did though.

    I was really disappointed in Sister Helen how she just abandoned the girls in the beginning and then seemed to be so concerned about them after the fact. But that was the story I suspect and part of her conflict, I get that.

    I was up reading the script til 4 am, it was definitely a strong read.

    I would have liked to have seen the reunion between Sarah and Helen for more dramatic affect, since Sarah went through all she did to get back home.

    Really nice job!!!

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: 0 (from 2 votes)
    Report user
    • wardparry says
      September 10, 2012, 9:42 am

      Thanks a bunch for taking the time to read it. I appreciate your thoughtful and insightful comments. This version here is actually a holder (a very early rough draft) – the current draft will be up in the next day or two. A lot of what you rightfully pointed out, multiple characters, Sister Helene’s arc have been addressed in this draft. Lots of moving parts most of which were actually superfluous to the narrative.
      Once again, thank you for taking the time to read this.

      WP

      VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
      Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
      Report user

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.