Terminal Velocity More Images
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Rating: 2.9/5 (5 votes cast)

Terminal Velocity

An android and his cargo of 500 humans escape one ‘Hell on Earth’, only to end up on another, then almighty Gaud makes their situation worse.

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  1. Profile photo of geds625
    geds625 says
    June 4, 2015, 7:52 pm
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    Sounds interesting

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  2. belw says
    December 10, 2013, 8:38 pm

    Wasn’t there a movie with Charlie Sheen and Kinski called Terminal Velocity? They were jumping out of planes or something. Just wondering if you care about that….

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  3. September 1, 2012, 2:41 pm
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    Off the top, there is too much thought/ cognitive stuff in narative. Don’t say some one “takes a moment to recover”..show it..Takes deep breath, stretches..etc.

    p 3 How do you show “THOUGHTFUL silence”? Its cognitive..don’t put it narrative..show it..deep hug,..and expression,,etc

    remove ”CUT TO”..unless technical shots are critical, let THE director decide if it’s a cut, fade, dissolve

    pg 6 “They wander through this vast sea of humanity”? Too much wording for a script. Its not a sea….keep it simple…They wander through a large crowd….

    pg 15 “where they dwell in thoughtful silence”..second time used…over used and how do you show “THOUGHTFUL” silence? Show it, dont say it.

    narratives are way too novel-like…trim them

    “It displays this new world in all its tantalizing form” Tantalizing is an opinion….just describe it…too much for a script.

    “Its predominant hues of grays and greens quash any naive expectations of whites and blues”..How do naive expectations look? too novelesque and cognitive..does not belong in a script.

    “Truk casts a learned eye over..” How do you show a learned eye? Truk glances intently over……

    disappointing limpidness.? Disappointment IS COGNITIVE>>SHOW IT ON HIS FACE>>DONT DESCRIBE IT

    Suddenly????, the DISPLAY BUZZES…buzzes usually are sudden..just say..”DISPLAY BUZZES”

    Apprehensive worry festers throughout the breathing mass…HOW DO YOU SHOW IT FESTERING THROUGHOUT?

    Pacing slow..maybe land them on planet by pg 20

    Dialogue feels trite…”On the nose”

    pg 36 gets interesting

    this needs a beat sheet…didnt climax,..too slow and cliche..just my personal opinion

    more of a book than a script…axe the CUT TOs

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  4. Profile photo of rkwok
    rkwok says
    August 14, 2012, 3:58 pm
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    I like the way this starts. Get right to the point: black hole destroys earth. I thought the G-force episode inside the Genesis was well done. Love the reference to Thunderbird 2, as it is my personal favorite! The landing on the new planet, the exploration and the great fight with the local “insects”: all done very well.

    What holds this script back is the introduction of the superior beings in the form of Brad etc : that part is way too wordy, and even if this is sci fi where characters tend to speak like they do in Star Trek, I still found the dialogue very clunky (eg p77 “emotions produce fear…”). All the talk leads to the tension escaping from the story. I also can’t quite get into the characters of the robots: they seem to be rude and overbearing (are they programmed to be that way?) and yet at the end, self sacrificing. Also don’t understand why the humans are allowed to run amok on the Orbiter: why wouldn’t the superior beings detect all their activity and stop them?

    And while the huge fight with the insects was great, how does that gel with the story with the Orbiter? It seems like there are two stories here: one about colonizing a new planet and one about dealing with the Orbiter: you can get two scripts out of it.

    One final thing: you really need to understand how to use apostrophes. It is not only when you are abbreviating something (eg it is to it’s) . You also need to use them to denote the possessive (eg the earth’s atmosphere). There must be over fifty places where the apostrophe is mis

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  5. July 25, 2012, 7:53 pm

    Decent logline. Been done, but so has many themes befor. 3 out of 5 stars all around.

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  6. rickemg says
    July 24, 2012, 9:30 am
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    I liked the story even though it’s been told before. But thats what audiences respond to. the “familiar”. There was some mis-spelled words like attitude when it should have been altitude. What I do is not only go through a spell check, each fifteen minute segment, I read it over carefully.

    The texture of your narration shows your style and writing prose. However there are too many thens and suddenlys. Let the words tell you the action that happens. Paint with words like. “Suddenly the door flies open and there stands death”! v.s. “Air brushes against his face as death flings open the door.”

    I think that you’ve done a very good job and I look forward to reading “Singularity”

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    • Profile photo of wobbly19
      wobbly19 says
      July 27, 2012, 3:13 pm

      Hi Rick,

      Seriously appreciated.
      The storyline came from my demented brain, so it’s interesting that this story’s been told before.
      Someone recently said that the read was flat and didn’t push the ‘exciting bits’ that’s for why I added a few ‘thens’ and ‘suddenlys’.
      It is a steep learning curve, but hopefully, the ‘twists and turns’ will become clearer.

      I sent my first script Gravity to pro-readers and analysts and found after a while that their feedbacks contained their view of how the script should play out. That was an expensive venture for me just to realise that individual perception really does rule.

      The best ‘help’ over the years has been from guys like you.
      Perhaps when my nervousness has dissipated and I’m ‘allowed’ to write these scripts more from the heart, then watch out third rung ‘here I come!’

      Best regards
      Andy

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  7. Profile photo of robert
    robert says
    July 20, 2012, 2:48 pm
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    The story’s good, but it’s not like you’re breaking new ground here. I’ve seen this before in the planet of the apes and in some of the twilight zone eposides. Overall, it’s still a good script. I found a few errors. On page 10, it’s should be its, on page 45, ready should be already, and some of the characters need to be in caps when you’re first introducing them.

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    • Profile photo of wobbly19
      wobbly19 says
      July 27, 2012, 7:56 pm

      Hi Robert,

      Many thanks for taking the time to read it and supplying a comment.
      Working ‘cold’. this was my ‘tour de force’, so it’s a bit of a shame that it’s been around before.

      Like this, my my other 2 scripts were/are regarded as original (by me), in fact, the 2nd one, Singularity, should have listed here by now.
      I can only hope you find time to review that because your, and others, comments are of serious interest.

      Regards, Andy

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        robert says
        July 28, 2012, 12:50 pm

        I hear you, Andy. I’m glad I could help. I wish I could’ve commented on it more, but like I said, it wasn’t a bad story, my only problem with it was that I felt like I’ve seen it before. As far as the grammer mistakes are concerned when it comes to these contests, I don’t think that really matters as much, as long as the story works, you’re good. That’s what I’ve heard anyway. Maybe you can return the favor and give my script a read when you find the time.

        Regards, Robert

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        • Profile photo of wobbly19
          wobbly19 says
          July 28, 2012, 2:08 pm

          Certainly will, Robert.
          If you can name it, I’ll read it first.
          Andy

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          • Profile photo of robert
            robert says
            July 28, 2012, 2:41 pm

            It’s Regimental Breakdown.

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