Storyville 2555
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Rating: 3.2/5 (9 votes cast)

Storyville 2555

In the year 2555 vice is legal on Storyville Island, NY. This is the story of Dr. Lyle Lebeau and a pimp named simply The Wizard’s struggle to maintain order in the face of a hostile take over by a deadly alliance of gangsters.

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  1. Pearse-N says
    January 16, 2014, 9:47 am
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    A bright concept.

    On more than one occasion the reader is left wondering if the persistent “ghettoese” is insisted upon irony, or simply obtuse. If there was an attempt to answer this question (perhaps in the themes or exploration of the story’s moral universe) it would be a different issue. However, the resulting absence of purpose makes the dialogue hugely distracting throughout – which is a shame as the underlying conceit is bankable.

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    alisonmb says
    May 8, 2013, 11:17 am
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    Found it very hard to follow to start with as there seemed to be a lot of characters who only appeared briefly. Also found all the flash backs a bit confusing though would probably be easier to keep up with them on the screen. An interesting concept but I was disappointed in the rather tame abrupt ending

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  3. hingylingy says
    May 7, 2013, 3:55 pm
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    HI Julian;

    I did enjoy the story. The beginning was little rough to follow with all the on the carpet stuff and the POV of the newscasters etc..many character descriptions that were unnecessary as the characters ended up really going nowhere.

    It appears as though you may have used some screenwriting software to put this together.
    Perhaps Speaking Dragon or something to that effect, I am assuming?

    You had many fragments and double words, missing articles etc..
    I rated you lower on grammar because of these repetitive verbiage mishaps.

    I did enjoy the futuristic aspect of this piece and thought you wove it in quite well.

    The end appeared a little disconnected. You left nothing really to the imagination.
    All of a sudden Wizard is all setup and there is nothing left to really wonder about.
    I would say the ending was abrupt and that the hero should have had more strife and conflict to overcome. A lot of the danger was generic and unemotional in nature. More emotional turmoil could do wonders here. I could see the ending coming.. I wasn’t worried about the outcome or the key characters actually being in any real danger.

    The guy who tried to kill Lebeau was a little unrealistic, as they all know that there are cyborg decoys you should have made it a little more suspenseful and had another element in there. Perhaps where he could somehow test and validate whether it is a person or decoy etc..some more layers of intrigue, it just sort of ho hummed along.

    I like the setting, the story was pretty good.. I believe that these are all high points that can make a big difference for you in pitching this script to Hollywood.

    Best of luck,

    Jay

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  4. mbsieve says
    April 29, 2013, 11:52 pm
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    Fun concept, but dotted with some unsavory violence. Obviously, this goes along with the storyline but the violent death of the casino owner’s son won’t win over any audience I can think of. Some grammar issues. The needle from Dr. Lebeau would not “retract” but extend. That tripped me up. Things like that.

    I did enjoy the colorful names and characters. It really lent a lot to the visual. And some of the high tech gadgetry was well thought out.

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  5. April 1, 2013, 11:53 am
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    I like that you kept the story going at a nice rate.

    However aside from DR. LYLE LEBEAU’S and Mary’s characters, their aren’t too many colorful characters.

    Wizard and Philly Cat are great as father and son pimps, but outside of that, there’s nothing more to their human side.

    As for Billy, he’s interesting for only so long, then he just comes across as a lunatic, but not so believable, or understandable.

    The premise however is great. Sin City does come in mind. One of my top 5 movies of all time.

    You write well, to get across a good story in 87 pages, and as far as the grammar issues, please put periods at the end of your sentences in your narratives!

    Anyhow, best of luck with the contest

    Ron

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  6. March 20, 2013, 5:31 pm
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    Has a Sin City feel that I think could be very popular and visual interesting. Interesting concept.

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  7. Profile photo of johnnymiller
    March 17, 2013, 3:40 pm
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    The script has several minor grammatical errors. I would consider this script a poor man’s version of Westworld. The story is all over the place and misdirects the reader. The word “bitch” is overused and not needed in the script. The script is stereotypical and nearly racist in parts. One must remember why we write scripts. We want to see it as a movie but there is no way I would see your script as one. I am not trying to be insulting rather honest. I am not saying your script is dead. It does have some merit but an extensive rewrite and less use of characters would go along way in improving your script. In viewing three scripts so far, I will comment on the time. One page of script is one minute in a movie.

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    doctor112 says
    March 12, 2013, 10:57 pm
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    This is a pretty old concept done in a new way. interesting to say the least

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  9. Profile photo of dejiannaalex
    March 12, 2013, 9:43 pm
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    You caught my attention. Thia is movie material.

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