Stormangels More Images
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Rating: 3.3/5 (6 votes cast)

Stormangels

When cross-dimensional twin worlds bleed into each other, the unproven leader of a medieval village must brave the trek to the hostile otherworld to seal the breach.

2012 May User of the Month Runner-Up

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  1. wardparry says
    January 30, 2013, 12:38 pm

    ****DISCLAIMER***** I’ve been asked to review this by admin, though I’ve previously reviewed.

    I have nothing new to add – it’s a great story, engaging, if a little confusing. Good stuff.

    WP

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    • says
      January 30, 2013, 4:55 pm

      Thanks again.

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    danac707 says
    January 22, 2013, 1:35 pm
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    This concept is interesting. The character set up is full of possibilities. Unfortunately, it also has many things we have seen before in sci-fi such as wraiths and sucking the life force out of people. The writer is talented and I would suggest he dig deep for some original beings and images to give the reader. Because this is sci-fi and a whole new world must be set up, it is imperative that the writer keep it as simple as possible until we get to know the characters. Telling us about characters we will meet later adds to confusion. This is compounded because this story has to set up two story worlds for the reader. Again, I feel this writer and this story have great potential. It’s just a matter of adjustments to make it really great.

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    ericmozil says
    November 28, 2012, 7:45 pm
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    The descriptions in the script were well done and so is the formatting. I only saw a couple of errors, so good job there. This is pure fantasy and entertaining, but confusing on the time period. Compared to the dialog which sounds at times contemporary and others like Tarzan, it didn’t jibe with the era. Who are these Gods? They were a mystery to me and knowing who they are is important. Aaron’s character growth was pretty clear, but aside from that, the whole idea of a prophecy foretelling of a Chosen One who doesn’t believe he is the Chosen One has been played to death: John Carter of Mars, The Matrix, The Immortals, even Luke Skywalker in Star Wars. If you had an interesting twist on this element, I might not mind it. Your script has the potential to be an epic. Thanks for the opportunity to provide you some feedback.

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    jjcj3113 says
    July 27, 2012, 10:30 pm
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    Overall, I enjoyed the story.

    There were a lot of characters so at times it was hard to remember who was who. Some of the characters need to be developed more.

    I’m not an expert when it comes to giving feedback, but I concure with the comments from the other posts.

    Nice job.

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    July 24, 2012, 8:17 am
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    Very unique story. I enjoyed this very much. However there are a couple of suggestions that I have that may make it better.

    First of all. The beginning is great. However when it’s young Aaron this really does nothing to the story. It would be better to start in the present.

    Aaron reminds me a bit of Luke Skywalker, a reluctant hero. With that being the case, he should have more of a struggle when he meets evil Valerie. He should be debating weather or not he wants to help her out. After all if his original mission is to save his wife. Why does he instantly decide that he must not join her?

    Would Aaron be disrespectful to the Queen?

    The Sea of Death is a great concept, but I don’t want it to be describe I want to see it more. I want to be able to visualize.

    At certain points it is hard to keep up with who is who in the story. Maybe something can be done.

    Besides this a great story. Good luck on future rewrites. I can’t wait to see this in theaters.

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    • says
      July 24, 2012, 8:45 am

      Thanks for taking the time to read my story. Rewrites are just around the corner and this will help.

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    tserlin says
    July 19, 2012, 2:16 pm
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    Congratulations on writing such an original piece of material. I know this was a challenge and you succeed on several levels.

    Right away you literally boom into action. The writing is strong, and very imaginative. You are economical but style is slightly complex. You can get away with simplicity without expensing evocative imagery. You possess a solid command as a writer – with a great descriptive voice – although I caution you to exercise restrain at times, or there can be a sense of over indulgence.

    There is so much I’d like to say about this script and story potential. There are many great things in the writing. But, I think my comments would better serve you if they lean to the critical side. After all, that’s what may help male this stronger. Take it all with a grain of salt – this is your baby – and clearly a great deal of thought and energy went into crafting this story — which is interesting, original, and creative!!!

    Not quite sure about Aaron’s spurt of energy right after seeing Valery killed. What actually happens in this scene is slightly confusing. And you provide more description for the winged women more than your lead characters. You might want to look at how you describe them on introductions.

    As a character, Aaron seems to be led more than he actually leads. The nature of the hero’s journey is somewhat muddled by how little his character seems to actually change.

    The world switches are very interesting. The stakes are clearly presented and rise nicely in terms of your structure. The conflict within the characters is interesting and could use bit more development. A father giving his daughter up to die for the sake of his totems is a very powerful idea. Spend more time with this — it should inform your characters’ emotional thread in some way. Then when the worlds switch – there could be a stronger connection that informs all the characters appropriately – and is less confusing to the audience. They exist in two worlds (with a different set of motivations). You work this nicely – but a bit more clarity may help.

    It would be nice to give a little breath to your descriptive voice – you have such an amazing command of language. It’s a good thing – but adding the appropriate “color” to your characters to match the environments and how they respond to it may add a depth that will strengthen everything.

    Your first dialogue sets an interesting tone. Keep in mind that this first impression is also fairly complicated. Subtext without clarity stifles the presentation of your characters. Although you do remain very consistent – and it feels authentic that we land right in the middle — the dynamic between characters are interesting! Just be careful to ease us in a bit more — allowing the reader to get acquainted before jumping into backstory, subtext, and everything external. Little touches here and there would help immensely.

    There is a great fantasy – fairy tale quality you nail right away – very nice work there. The setup is intriguing. Young love and the father’s approval – soon to be smashed by ulterior motives, etc… Very cool! The need for your your hero to prove himself — all achieved quickly – and effectively. Some slight logic issues in second act. In the second world you make statements about time and the war – both lack some clarity.

    Be careful not to repeat information too often. Informing other characters of what we just saw/read one or two scenes before can drag pacing — especially when you need to push the plot. It often helps to keep in mind on of the most critical tactics in writing a screenplay: every word should count!
    And in the dialogue — everything should push the story — not pause or slow down – not draw us out of the story and have us thinking about anything other than what is in front of us – happening in the moment.

    Aaron and Valery make a nice couple. You pound that into the script. But where are their flaws? The characters feel one-dimensional at times. A little work on this would elevate the script. Especially when we are thrust into the secondary world, where it seems all the characters change (except for your hero).

    Again, your language is broad and stylish. Be careful not to overdo it — as the reader may get lost at times trying to understand or get thrown out of the script because it feels “novel-like” in its language. There are serious points — where dialogue almost reads as a comedic stage play (make sure not to confuse the tone when using your various dialects — last thing you want is the reader to get lost a loss of precision when it comes to tone in your scenes).

    That said – much of your dialogue is absolutely excellent!

    Some of the technical language (montage and series of shots) are slightly weak in the execution and not 100% consistent in format structure. Double check these. Stay away from using parentheses in descriptions (don’t do it).

    Ex. Roland’s mind’s eye… This is a little clunky and you can keep it to a few words. Then Roland and elders have a collective grunt. Writing is confusing, and it’s sometimes hard to imagine everything as it reads.

    Description if the world changing is short and sweet. While evocative, it would still be nice to see even more of this. You have transported us to these environments — do more with the worlds are colliding. The sun is changing colors. The horses are nervous. Well… How can you elevate this and raise challenges even more??? The horses can bug out and go crazy. What else???

    Battle scenes are very cool – imaginative. Your short style of descriptive action works well. But, you also switch so quickly with the new elements and action that it sometimes is difficult to feel invested in the movement of the action, battles, discussions, travels, etc.

    In terms of your characters — they are great from the standpoint of their dynamic repartee. But there is a lack of dimensionality. They talk and talk – and tell the story more than they actively participate (sometimes it feels this way). What I am getting at here is the emotional context – lacks depth. So much is happening to these characters — but we don’t get the impression of any tangible emotion. A lot of great banter… Just elevate what/how they are responding to in your scenes.

    I was mildly confused by the Stormangels concept – mother of the world savior
    (Aaron). At the point he calls her “mother” – if feels ultra “stagey” and inauthentic.

    The third act conflict when Aaron finally reconnects with Valery seems okay with the recurring element of her father’s return (Roland just won’t stop getting in their way). And she is not the Valery Aaron remembers or expects (so she claims). There is a slight disconnect here for the audience you may want to examine. There is added confusion here. I definitely like the notion of Valery being Death and “spreading the gift.”

    P. 88 you mention Valery almost is overcome by emotion. Is this the first actual emotional element? –- or “almost” emotional. This for me is the biggest issue with the script. The connections between characters are slightly diffuse (despite there being multiple worlds).

    The thematic love connect Aaron seems to have is his driving force. Yet, his reactions are flat as are practically all the “reactions” of characters. Reading for the emotional thread will help you in any future rewrites. It should be easy – and fun – as your dialogue is so broad and clever — now it’s time to dig a little deeper into the characters – broaden them – deepen them.

    P.99 Aaron is “just” Aaron. I really think you might want to push beyond this with him. Has your lead character transformed in a meaningful way? Is

    Aaron needs to be a stronger character by this point. Would he even say “…for goodness sake.”? He insists on being just Aaron. He should embrace his change — his higher purpose — especially at this point. I appreciate humbleness — but this does nothing for his character.

    Hopefully, some of these notes are of use to you. I feel there is such an incredibly imaginative story here that with a little work, can really pop.

    In terms of budget — it would seem this would be on the high end (unless you are going super low with cheap effects like television). So I gave you 4 stars, b/c I’m not sure which way you are leaning.

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    • says
      July 19, 2012, 2:48 pm

      Thanks for the ultra high level of effort you took in reviewing my screenplay. Many of the points you’ve made have been echoed elsewhere, and will certainly be dealt with in future rewrites. Was a pleasure to log on and read your comments. Thank you.

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  7. wardparry says
    July 16, 2012, 4:50 pm
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    Loved this. I’m on the swords and sandals vibe and this ticks all the boxes for me. Narrative’s a tad confusing at times but frankly who cares? I’ll leave the picking apart to others. I’m a fan and I hope this gets industry traction. I’m scoring it low on budget as I’m assuming potential big budgets go that way on here?

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    • says
      July 16, 2012, 5:32 pm

      Thanks for reading.

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