Spawns of Evil
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Spawns of Evil

Two young men who’s minds were warped by SS Nazis, while living in a death camp, unleash a reign of senseless rape and murder on innocent Jews.

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  1. Profile photo of Markgr
    Markgr says
    September 4, 2013, 5:11 pm
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    Firstly, the basics – there are many grammar mistakes in the screenplay itself. Another commentator invested significant effort in listing them, so no need to get into more detail there.

    The scenes are also not written in a screenplay-appropriate way. Some of them read like pieces of prose. Remember that film is a visual medium – you MUST think in pictures. The audience only knows what it sees or hears. It is unclear what we are supposed to see in scenes like this one:

    Months later, on the 7th of May, 1945 when the German army
    surrenders, hundreds of thousands of prisoners are liberated.
    Most are left on their own to find their way home. The roads
    and towns are now overcrowded with a mass of humanity.

    Another tip – you cannot switch how you call your characters after 20 pages. The names have to stay throughout for clarity’s sake.

    It is hard to see the story for the words. So, just for starters, the script needs a detailed rewriting just on the superficial level, otherwise it will probably not be taken seriously by anyone. I guess you did not have time to do that, this looks more like an early draft.

    Moving on to dialogue – it is mostly quite flat. It functions as a literal translation of what the characters feel or a way to impart information to the audience. Perhaps another analysis of who your characters are will add some crackle to the dialogue? Or at least make their exchanges sound more natural.

    I would be happier with the concept, if I felt there was some sort of an underlying message here. It seems like a pretty straightforward story about people who grew up evil, stayed evil, and died evil. I might have lost track of the character development due to problems listed above, though.

    Obviously, I know what kind of effort is involved in writing a 120+page draft of a story. It is an accomplishment in itself. I do feel very strongly that several more drafts are needed before this is ready for the world. You need to go back to basics, think about your characters and what you want to say; let this be your guiding light in each scene.
    The scenes have to be rewritten in a clearer, more visual way.

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  2. Profile photo of
    says
    September 4, 2013, 4:29 pm
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    I’m not sure what the overall plot of the movie is, other than the fact that they are rapists and torturers. The script really doesn’t build up to anything, but rather is a stagnant exposition of a twisted idea that eventually becomes dull. The story could use a lot more conflict and drama — what is it that could happen to these main characters to change their lives? The grammar definitely needs a touching up, and the dialogue could use a careful re-write to make it more natural. Dig deeper into these characters… Something must be going on inside their heads to make them act X because of Y. The concept is dark and twisted, but it has some potential. I suggest you go farther and make the story less about rape and torture, and more about their own psychological damage. Perhaps as boys their minds were vulnerable and they fought with the belief that what the adults were doing was wrong? (That’s bound to have happened on many occasions, and who knows where those kids ended up.) Give things a fresh start — see where it goes from there.

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  3. August 25, 2013, 2:49 am
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    Um, no amount of words can describe this P.O.S. of a script. I write this to anyone thinking about reading it, DON”T! There is no point to this script.

    To the Writer: It took me three torturous days to finish reading this thing you call a script. And for someone claiming to be a novelist, there were numerous grammatical errors, which I will list in a bit. The formatting was awful – very hard to read at times. And it read like a novel.

    The errors I found: You move through time way too much, way too much of them singing, every other scene is of them killing and/or raping someone — Okay, i get it, they’re psychos – move on already. Also, with the killing and raping, there seems to be no actual point of this movie. nothing at all. And the main characters are just bland. There is nothing to them. And they’re pretty much the same character.

    Anyway here’s the list of the errors i found. Which I think was a waste of my time — because the only way to fix this script would be to delete it! Here you go:

    Page 1: Insert “Fade in.” Move up the 1st scene heading. Also the description reads more like a novel than a script. Leave out the line “Ignatz knows the doctor”. In a script show don’t tell, otherwise how do we know he knows the doctor? “One of the woman” needs to be “One of the women”.

    Page 2: The future scene isn’t needed.

    Page 8: “One of the woman” needs to be “One of the women”. “One of the other Jewish woman” needs to be “One of the other Jewish women”

    Page 9: “For the past month they had openly beaten Jewish boys and raped the girls.” And how do we know this???

    Page 11: “The piles of bodies were getting higher as Kapos dragged out dead bodies from the barracks and gas chambers.” Needs to be – “The piles of bodies are getting higher as Kapos drag out dead bodies from the barracks and gas chambers.”

    Page 12: The 1st scene again I feel I’m reading a novel. Also, you might do better just eliminating the first scene altogether.

    Page 14: “There’s a short trial. Helga Hegel is found not guilty of any crimes against the Jewish prisoners. However, the three Nazi SS women guards are condemned. They are sentenced to hang.” – you could leave this out.

    Page 16: “There’s an aroma of sweet and sour cooking.” – Show don’t tell, or leave this sentence out; it’s not really needed. “The all laugh at her friendly exuberant nature and her new names for the boys.” *They*

    Page 19: You can leave out the last scene heading on this page and just have the girl approach the car window.

    Page 20: The girls’ names were Bayla and Adina. On this page Adina becomes “Avida”.

    Page 22: “Angel reaches over the seat and puts the cloth over Bayla’s face. Goldie speeds up and they drive to a dense wooded area.” – Not needed.
    Page 23: The part where they both sing the song, instead of writing out the subtitles just add it in the description. Like this:

    “As they stand they begin to sing part of a popular Nazi song, Blut muss flieBen. (Blood must flow). In German with English subtitles”

    Angel/Goldie
    Wetzt die langen Messer auf dem Burgersteig/labt die
    Messer flutschen in den Judenleib. /Blut muss flieBen/
    knuppelhageldick und wir scheiBen auf die Freiheit dieser
    Judenrepublik./Zerrt die Konkubine aus dem Furstenbett/
    schmiert die Guillotine mit dem Judenfett./Blut muss flieBen
    knuppelhageldick und wir scheiBen auf die Freiheit dieser
    Judenrepublik.

    Page 24: “The boys didn’t say anything.” *don’t*

    Page 27: ANGEL/GOLDIE
    And the elders may chide/so just let them scream and cry/
    And if the World decides to fight us/ we will still be the
    Victors/We will continue to march, even if everything
    Shatters/ Because today Germany hears us/ and tomorrow/
    the whole World.

    Page 28: GOLDIE
    We plan do that, but we’re young, *We plan to*
    and we would like to see a bit of
    Europe first.

    Page 36: “Angels” *Angel* “He laughs and get off of her.” *gets*

    Page 38: “lifted the girls up and hooked” *lift* *hook* Also enough with the singing. Or change the title to “Spawns of Evil, The Musical”. LOL. Actually, you can leave this one in, but I’d erase some of the other times they sing.

    Page 39: 1st Scene Heading — *DAYLIGHT*

    Page 51: “Angels gets the four sausages from the table.” *Angel*

    Page 52: “But, In the future you’re going to like it, and do it until we come in your mouths.” *in*
    “They spread the girl’s legs” *girls’*

    Page 53: the description reads like a novel. You might just want to do away with the entire gay Jewish scenes. You can have the inspector tell us about it or something.

    Page 54: “preform for us?” *perform*

    Page 55: “sECOND GAY BOY” *S* “slit the gays throats.” *gays’* “They watch the gay’s die.” *gays* AGAIN WITH THE SINGING???

    Page 56: “two Jewish gay’s” *gays* “Do you have you anymore” *erase the 2nd “you”*

    Page 57: “I look forward to meeting with and working with their man.” *I look forward to working with him* “One of each girls legs is now shackled to a long chain.” *One of each of the girls’ legs is shackled to a long chain*

    Page 61: “Perfect, she standing in front of an alleyway.” *she’s* “Angels approaches the hooker” *Angel* “rip’s” *rips*

    Page 62: >__> the singing. “another official looking man” *Inspector Walsh*

    Page 63: “that the two woman” *women*

    Page 64: You told me, “A new heading is needed for EVERY scene change.”, on my script. But where is yours? They’re in the KITCHEN, SHOWER, BASEMENT. I don’t see any scene headings. “take your drinks and go back to you beds.” *your*

    MICOLE
    It could be, they’re more happy and  Leave out
    different today.

    Page 66: “They guys drink” *The*

    Page 67: “pussy’s,” *pussies.*

    Page 68: “The hair’s set on fire.”  eliminate!

    Page 69/70: ‘and begin to sing.
    ANGEL & GOLDIE
    Sharpen the long knives on the pavement; let the knives slip
    into the Jews’ body.
    Blood must flow, a whole lot of it, and we shit on the
    freedom of this Jew Republic.
    Tug the concubine out of the ruler’s bed; grease the
    guillotine with the Jews’ fat.
    Blood must flow. A whole lot of it, and we shit on the
    freedom of this Jew Republic.
    Hang a black pig in the synagogue, throw grenades into the
    parliaments.
    Blood must flow, a whole lot of it, and we shit on the
    freedom of this Jew Republic.
    ANGEL
    Now we need to get rid of them, any
    ideas?
    GOLDIE
    How about we chop them up and put
    them in the fire?
    ANGEL
    No, that is too much work and too
    messy.
    GOLDIE
    Well, lets take a nap and think
    about it.
    ANGEL
    That’s good, we’ll take care of
    them later tonight.
    They go upstairs to bed.’

    *Erase this entire thing.*

    Page 71: “Goldie HALLOOED.” *HALLOOS.*

    Page 74: ‘This is the last one my list.” *add “on”.* “There’s two bedrooms and bath” *add “a”*

    Page 75: “It use to be a fine” *used*

    Page 76: “drive-in theatre’s” *theaters*

    Page 77: As they reached, to open the front door, they saw a bronze plaque with raised black letters, which read” *reach* *see* *reads*

    Page 80: ‘as most residents are at work this time of the day.”  not needed.

    Page 82: ‘Did you pick up all the items I told you to buy.” *?*

    Page 83: Eliminate the singing. “INT. PORSCHE SEDAN – SAME TIME & EXT. ALLIGATORS – SAME TIME & INT. PORSCHE SEDAN – SAME TIME ”  unneeded scene headings.

    Page 85: “After he climax’s” *climaxes*

    Page 88: “the security guards aim is off” *guard’s* “but it’s too late as they make it safely
    out alligator Alley to their house.”  erase

    Page 89: “Angels leg.” *Angel’s* “goldie.” *Goldie*

    Page 93: ‘girl friends’ *girlfriends*

    Page 96: “YELLING and SCREAMS’ *yelling and screaming* “He slaps her hard across the face.”  Needs to be as a description sentence.

    Page 98: “They Jewish princesses are mumbling.” *The*

    Page 99: “kidnapping’s” *kidnappings*

    Page 101: “He asked the other bartender” *I*

    Page 103: ‘You bet, celebrating my buddies birthday.’ *buddy’s*

    Page 105: “Angel, I’m going quit work and stay here.” Add “to”

    Page 107: ‘We’ve been hearing noise from the garage.’ *noises*

    Page 113: “kidnapping’s.” *kidnappings* “When she’s next to her car she’s trying to get her car keys out of her purse.” *When she’s next to her car, she tries to get her keys out of her purse.*

    Page 116: “kidnapping’s” *kidnappings*

    Page 118: “tangerine’s” *tangerines* “What are you looking at, Goldie.” *?*

    Page 119: “ two alligator’s have grabbed hold of him.” *alligators* *a hold*

    Page 121: “ambulance’s” *ambulances*

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  4. Profile photo of rattycat
    rattycat says
    August 16, 2013, 5:30 pm
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    A shock and awe reading experience. It is adult, tense, and action packed with horror and sex. The death camp is well discribed and the sheer evil of the character’s and the story are well crafted. It is a reminder of how deep Hitler’s Nazi regime instilled it’s horror, evil and hatred into some of the German youth, who developed a screw up psyche. This could be a very good movie, but would be X rated.

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