Sinking Sand More Images
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Rating: 3.3/5 (2 votes cast)

Sinking Sand

After a loving wife murders a blackmailer to protect her husband’s flourishing law career she must watch as he prosecutes another woman for her crime.

Monologue: Pages 73-74

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  1. mbsieve says
    April 6, 2013, 10:37 pm
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    There are pages to write. As this checks in at 83 pages, I would consider adding another 10 to 20. Simply put, there is some potential here but the characters, Brooke in particular, lack depth. She makes more sense in the end, but the first half of the script she seems all over the place. ANd that’s cool, but I want to know more about her, what drives her to then from then to then from Tyler. And that she has this potential for violence, well, that should also be explored.

    From a legal perspective, a murder trial takes at least a year, most times as many as two or three years to come about (don’t believe that CSI stuff on t-v). You seem to use the pregnancy for establishing a timeline which would work if such trials came about as quickly. However, they do not. I would consider eliminating the pregnancy aspect as it is in conjunction with a timeline that is not in sync with the juggernaut that is the legal system. Believe me, nothing gets done in a matter of months as far as the juducial system is concerned.

    The characters are believable and smartly written. Tyler could use a few more scenes becuase I really want to be involved with his character. Give him some internal conflict. Make him curiously likeable. Throw in another scene with him and Amber so that we can truly get a sense for their dysfunctional relationship. Evie in particular has a shine to her. Use another dozen pages or two to really flesh this thing out. You have the space. Run with it.

    I do like this. Courtroom dramas really have appeal to me as well as a general audience. Best of luck with this and all future endeavors. It takes skill to put together compelling courtroom action. You have that going for you.

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  2. April 3, 2013, 3:41 am
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    This script has a heart. It was an easy read.

    However, this doesn’t come across as something that’ll make the movie screen, but rather another movie on Lifetime, which isn’t a bad thing. It’s 84 pages is detriment to this. This is normally too short for a drama.

    The story itself seems a bit rushed and clumsy at times.

    Tyler, the antagonist comes across a smooth, sly criminal, then suddenly he’s gets killed by Brooke, a housewife with rather ease. The murder trial itself took place awfully quick after the incident occurred.

    I like Tyler, I like just about every character in this story, I just feel examples like that, need to be rewritten to give these characters the full effect, which will make this story even better.

    I’ve rated 4’s in most of the categories simply because you do have a voice, but the technical and reasoning errors behind your script are holding you back. I see to it in the rewrites, you aim for more depth to Tyler’s character especially, and as far as Daniel and Brooke, keep their relationship the same, just perhaps add a little more tension between the two.

    As I said I did enjoy reading this, and I’d like to read more of your other work.

    Ron

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