Shadowman
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Rating: 4.1/5 (4 votes cast)

Shadowman

Hungry for the truth and wanting revenge, a troubled young woman searches the Navajo Nations and the merciless Utah desert to find and confront the father who abandoned her years earlier, unaware the truth can destroy them both.

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  1. December 2, 2013, 9:28 am
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    This is my first go at rating someone’s screenplay. I really liked the dialogue esp in the first half or so and your style of writing. I liked the way you painted your characters and made me feel like I know them, and how you make us care about such a flawed main character. Actually we care more about her because she is flawed and we want to see her overcome herself and succeed at finding happiness and fulfillment.This is something I’ve learnt reading this, I would have thought a more good living together character would be more sympathetic but they are not. I probably shouldn’t be marking some of the things like Grammar and structure, I wasn’t looking at structure when I was reading, however this is the first of about six I’ve looked at on here that I was interested to read to the end. For me I think the writing and characters are better than the concept/story or part of it. Why wouldn’t the wife be yelling at him telling him who’s it was so he would stop? Even if you fix that aspect it’s kind of an extreme. It works for the drama though. I’m glad I read this to see such a nice character arc working. Thanks.

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    • January 27, 2014, 5:15 pm

      Thanks Marky-Parker. Glad you liked it. A good point you raised. I’ll have a look at that.

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    Dot1.618 says
    November 30, 2013, 12:48 pm
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    I enjoyed reading Shadowman. It took me to a world – Native American reservations – that I know little about. Being set in the desert, by the ocean and under night skies, it has great potential for stunning cinematography. It’s well-paced with a nice sense of foreboding, which makes you want to turn the pages and learn the dark secret. The flawed, troubled characters are real and moving.

    Although the structure is sound, a couple of plot points are set up but not paid off. Surely Snip would ask Bud who the men in the black pick-up are and, as her relationship with Dave deepens, tell him why she left him?

    Drama is conflict and you could consider adding some more. For example, when Snip orders Dave out of the truck after he looks at her journal, he could put up more resistance.

    I would avoid telling actors how to say their lines and let the dialogue convey this. Also, when writing action, a good rule of thumb is: only write what can be seen. Therefore, rather than putting, ‘The show of emotions is avoided in mourning,’ it would be good to find a way of conveying this visually.

    Like Joseph-Day, I can see this as an independent film. Were it made, I think it would linger long in the minds of viewers.

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    • January 27, 2014, 5:18 pm

      Thanks Dot1.618 :) that’s the most original username I’ve ever seen. Glad you liked it. You raised some good points. Thanks for the feedback. I’ll definitely have al look at those issues. Cheers.

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  3. Joseph-Day says
    November 21, 2013, 6:59 pm

    It was a great read. I’d appreciate your rating for my film, SplitLocked. It’s called Genesis, and its in this contest. Only my brother has rated it and he rated it high so I’m not sure if he’s giving additional stars because I’m family.

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  4. November 21, 2013, 2:35 am
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    This was a very nice script. I would say that it is my second favorite of this year’s contest. And I believe Joseph-Day says everything that needs to be said.

    Anyway, Thanks for a good read.

    Vatican

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  5. Joseph-Day says
    November 2, 2013, 8:21 pm
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    Great character development. You take care in giving life to all the characters in your script. Even the minor ones. Your dialogue is a definite bright spot, as well. The conversations feel genuine and at times very witty. The story is unpredictable, which is refreshing. I can definitely see this as an independent film.
    One minor thing that bothered me was that Dave never met with his friend in Utah which I understand due to where the plot goes, but I think you could tie it in just before they make love with Snip saying, “There never was a friend in Utah was there?” Dave can give her a look and you can cut to the sex scene.
    As far as proper screenplay formatting, your script is definitely among the best that I’ve seen in the competition. It’s actually what drew me to read yours first. Some minor errors deal with scene headings like on page 41. You introduce the reservation trailer home then go into the bedroom. Instead of writing out INT. RESERVATION TRAILER HOME – BEDROOM. You can just write BEDROOM and leave it at that because we already know that we are in the trailer home. Also, referring to The Screenwriter’s Bible by Dave Trottier, you should only use all CAPS for character introductions and sounds. You use all CAPS for props throughout, which is kind of distracting.
    Over all, great script.

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    • January 27, 2014, 5:23 pm

      Thanks Joseph. great note re the ‘friend’. I’ll have a look at the formatting issues you raised as well. Cheers.

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