Second Lunch
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Rating: 4.1/5 (4 votes cast)

Second Lunch

Attractive, spinster, junior high English teacher suspects the new counselor of being her long-dead college boyfriend.  His appearance, as well as the unsolicited romantic attentions of a Math teacher, upset her neatly organized “single” life.   An ensemble cast lends a humorous telling of this dramedy.

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  1. Profile photo of RobLevy511
    RobLevy511 says
    August 22, 2014, 10:33 am
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    Would love to know how to get in touch with this screenwriter about producing this film! If anyone knows where I could reach her please let me know!

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  2. February 13, 2014, 7:12 pm
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    I thoroughly enjoyed the read. Great characters. Fun. Liked the humor. The banter is terrific. And the back and forth between the black girls during the book report is priceless!

    I think the notes from the other readers are really good.

    What I feel needs some attention:

    I had some trouble keeping track of the time line.

    There was a big deal about the Halloween Dance… and then, nothing.

    On page 70 when Cathy enters the bedroom, I wasn’t sure if it was the same night and was before going on the date with Larry, or it was another day. I had to go back and check… might just be me, but if a reader has to do that, then his/her attention is broken. you don’t want that.

    Page 80. Why do this as a flashback? it is present day and an important part of her journey and story arc.

    Page 85. Why wait until this far in to show a very human side of Jason. Up until now, I really didn’t know him at all. Then suddenly he is very involved in the kids’ lives and well being… and then it’s dropped just as quickly. We should see this happening earlier in some way. We find out about the problems and Jason is giving advice. Which is helping, as we find out now, that things are turning around and going well for Ajay. It’s a good B story and connects me to Jason as a character.

    if Jason is fleshed out more then there is an opportunity to hint at his discomfort with the situation, without giving it away. It would be accepted as a normal reaction to a woman (Cathy) being uncomfortable around him.

    On pages 85, 103, 109. There is a use of ‘Continuous’ that is a little confusing. It is used when the same characters are involved, but usually in a change of place. Such as from INT to EXT. In other contexts, if you need to communicate to the reader that something is happening at the same time with other characters in another place… then say it.

    Page 95 is another present day flashback. This should really be shown as part of the story. And I feel this scene is a very important part. it is where Cathy opens up to Larry to explain why she is hesitant. The whole tension is something that comes from Cathy staying closed to the possibilities in front of her because of some fantasy she won’t let go of. Treating this as a flashback kind of throws it away.

    The final reveal from Cathy’s confession is a great moment. A thought here is to have her struggle more with the reveal. Build the tension. She begins with admitting that she has been “seeing’ someone ( big step)… then the speculation begins… But Cathy is taking her time (because this is not easy for her) to reveal who. The speculation gets to Jason. Larry thinks she is talking about Jason. Everyone is convinced it is… Then when Cathy and Larry begin their fight … everyone is in shock for a bunch of reasons.

    I really want to know what the story is about Jason. Why did he hide himself?

    When Jason shows up, Cathy is expecting Larry. Cathy has come to the conclusion that she wants Larry before Jason turns up. Has Jason decided that he wants Cathy? Has he left his wife?…. If I was Cathy, I would say “Why did you do this to me?” (however you say it). I would think “I deserve better than that”. And maybe she turns down Jason. That’s when she is finally free of her obsessive fantasy. She’s finally free to love Larry.

    if you have fleshed out Jason’s character, the audience likes him at this point. So we don’t want him to be beaten up. But if Cathy’s statement of freedom is positive and enlightening, and sensitive… she’ll be forgiven.

    Cathy is happy to give Jason the diary because she doesn’t need it anymore.

    Just a thought…. but, I really think you need to tie up the end somehow.

    Overall I think it’s great. As I said, thoroughly enjoyed the read.

    Going forward. This is an idea that can be turned into a great sitcom after the film is made.

    Good luck and all the best with it all.

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  3. aweiss says
    January 1, 2014, 6:27 pm
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    What I liked about this most was the concept, a school year told through the eyes of teachers and kids, even as I wish there was a little more going on here than that, romantic intrigue and all. However, between your sense of structure and formatting, and that you pulled this off well overall make for a very enjoyable, wryly funny possible movie.

    My main qualm about this script is that the adults talk a little younger than their ages, and the kids overall talk a little older. I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing, it has been done before, but I would beef it up a little. A movie I would recommend here that kind of is along these lines, and might give you some ideas for future drafts is Clueless. Has a lot of matchmaking, kids making like adults, adults being youthful, seen through the eyes of a New York transplant to L.A. And has a killer soundtrack, and your movie deserves a soundtrack as good as Clueless, which is also an update of Jane Austin’s Emma, done up in mid 90s alt-pop clothes and attitude. Good luck with this, they don’t make these types of films too ofter, and this kind of film has always been a personal favorite of mine.

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  4. September 17, 2013, 11:04 pm
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    Very well written story. Just a couple typos but nothing to be concerned about or that derails the story. The dialogue is smart and funny, and the conversations have flow between all of the characters. It’s like a fly on the wall listening to the group lunch scenes. The concept, while a bit played in the romantic comedy drama (girl falls sees hunk, is hit on by jerk, falls for unassuming charmer/quiet dude in the corner) could definitely be a hit with a top billed cast attached to the title. I see a lot of Bridget Jones Diary here in the triangle between Jason, Larry, and Cathy. And while I am sure trying to keep the script to a modest amount of pages and still give a complete story was a serious balancing act; there is still a lot left wanting by the end of your story. Why did Jason want the diary so much? So much so, that he stayed at work for several weeks longer than he “wanted/needed to”.

    What is the necessity of the parallel love story of Brittney and Ajay (not that it shouldn’t be there or ISN’T necessary, but I think more can be done to tie the two together, if the intent is for the young couples struggle to find each other, to mirror their adult counterparts despite the age gap…they love game is played the same)? If there is a specific connection it should be made clearer (unless I’m missing something painfully obvious to the majority of readers) so as not to make the kids story something that is just happening to take up time and space.

    There are a lot of characters here, all with very smart dialogue. But some of the conversations are so brief and we get such a short glimpse into who they are that I wonder if all of them are necessary or if they are merely plot devices to take up space and more the piece along (which they do beautifully). As an actor I can fully appreciate the “extra parts” with vague caricatures of personality types. It leaves a lot of meat for an actor to put on the bones for those parts. But from a production standpoint, especially if you don’t get a top billed cast and a monster budget for a low budget piece like this; the first thing that happens is those, undeveloped and seemingly unnecessary characters are asked to be written out for expenses sake. As well written as the conversations are ALL of the characters are not needed to say what they say, and ask the questions that they ask to move the story along. but I like all of the characters so what I am asking for as a reader is make VICTOR mean more. Make Janiean mean more, etc. At some point they all have their little nuggets to drop in that affect Cathy. But the same can be done with half a cast. If Victor is her conscience, or her doubt then give him a little more than just those one liner drop-ins (all of which are appropriate, but some of which are a bit dated and will universally be hard to understand if not completely dismissed as just old songs lyric). Just some ideas. But a very strong and workable/shootable script none the less.

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    • September 17, 2013, 11:17 pm

      And to go a little further with the kids love story: from a marketability stand point – if the kids story isn’t paramount to the whole that you are trying to tell – why not, cut the kids story and use those moments with the students for even more comic relief in general (maybe explore more of the funny kinds of kids, relationships, and scenarios in a Jr. high school form a teacher’s perspective), and allocate the extra page space to developing the named characters a little more, even if it is just more banter at the lunch tables or passing classrooms. If I remember correctly, you are a teacher, and I know I was a nightmare for ALL of my teachers. I was even privy to hearing some of them talk about me a few times. Throughout your entire script we hear gripes form the teachers about their jobs and students as a whole but not one dig on any particular kid, or problem child. Not one time do the teachers bring up a kid or an incident, at the lunch table or in conversation with their peers; but I KNOW this happens! I think you are missing a huge opportunity to up the pure entertainment value of your piece by not USING those moments when Cathy passes another teachers room and sees something disturbing or another teacher having a hard time, or maybe walks in on students doing something she wasn’t supposed to see…..again, just ideas. Happy writing lady!

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