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Rating: 4.0/5 (4 votes cast)

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An adventurer uses a scroll to travel back in time to validate the Resurrection of Christ, but losing memory with time travel may not allow him to bring back the truth to a world that needs it.

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  1. hingylingy says
    July 21, 2013, 3:51 pm
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    Well, like others… I might as well jump in on my own at this juncture..
    just helping speed along the rolling ball.. as others have so quaintly put it.

    But I won’t give a solid 5 across the board, I would actually like to earn my grades from “UNBIASED VOTING”

    What can I say, just want to be a perfectionist!! Don’t the rest of you??

    Jay

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    Waterwolf says
    July 12, 2013, 6:18 pm
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    Nice concept, great characters. I like your color of interpretation. Nice work.

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  3. LaurelP says
    June 24, 2013, 10:19 am
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    I had trouble keeping track of who was where/when at a few points (but when reading something involving time travel that can happen). And a few of the V.O.s were distracting (mainly when they’re having saying things that are repetitious of events just shown, ie, Alex and Nick remembering fro where they know each other. Having a degree in anthropology and being a huge Indie fan, I really liked the overall concept of the story just found it a little difficult to keep track of where/when I was int hat world.

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  4. June 4, 2013, 9:35 pm
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    Hi Jay,

    There is potential in the idea of validating the Resurrection of Christ, so a majority faithless world may know this and perhaps feel inspired to change its ways..

    However, the majority of this script does not cater to this idea. The mentioning of the Resurrection of Christ isn’t until the latter pages of the script. As in the other script you wrote, Life Credit, this story starts too late in my opinion.

    As in your logline for this script, the time travel witnessing Resurrection of Christ moment is your hook. Why so long to bring it up in the script? Around page 30 or so it should be brought up. This is a let down to only see it in the latter pages.

    The characters in this story are one dimensional. They seem to have no flaws or obstacles, other than trying to find the scroll. This damages the human story of the script. What are their internal dilemmas? What incident inspired them to go upon this journey? Why are they so passionate about this? In a world where majority people could probably care less about this scroll, why do they? This needs to be explained!

    I didn’t find answers to these questions. It seems as though you may feel that the audience should assume the reason why they’re so passionate but I think you need to spell that out for the audience. It’ll only improve the story. That way, we have more of a connection to your human characters and understand why they are truly doing the things they are doing.

    Also, I’d consider painting the view from the many folks whom are in need of this validation, as you suggested in your logline. Paint this picture in the script. Show us why these people feel the way they do. What caused them to feel this way? What situation, or just following what everyone else says. Why do people need to know this validation? These are the kind of things I’m looking forward to in your script.

    Aside from that, there were good visuals. I liked the shark killing scene. That was pretty wild. You show promise, and passion as a writer, I just feel you should focus more on the human stories of your script, for this is the most important, no matter how huge a concept may be.

    If I’m not making sense on any of this, please let me know Jay!

    Best of luck as always,

    Ron

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    • hingylingy says
      June 10, 2013, 1:01 pm

      Hey Ron;
      do you have any actual screenplays you have posted here?

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      • June 10, 2013, 4:09 pm

        Not yet Jay, I’ll more than likely post one July 15th.

        I hope you’re not looking to intentionally destroy it Jay :)

        Ron

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        • hingylingy says
          June 10, 2013, 5:17 pm

          No Ron I will definitely destroy it! :)

          But in all seriousness, I see you are a harsh critic and yet you have no screenplays under your belt. I think that sometimes you unwittingly grade screenplays, without realizing you need a story to fill your 120+ pages. Kind of a been there and done that issue!

          I also feel like you skim my scripts and don’t fully read them because I have plenty of character depth in Peter and Alex?? Peter leaves the seminary because of the sense of futility he experiences there, he embarks on a study of man (anthropology) instead and in the end he still is forced to deal with his faith… Peter also vents about what the church has become, challenging the status quot as he moves forward. Peter then has the most massive conflict man could ever have in the Tomb of Christ as he decides to remove the body because he is still not sure of the Resurrection of Christ! Alex is a great character who is shunned by his peers and sticks to his guns on his outlandish theories and finds a way to validate them and falls short with time travel, but knows to bequeath the knowledge to his protege.

          How is that even close to being mono-dimensional is beyond me, perhaps it is the subject matter that is not so endearing to you?? I simply don’t get your review…

          As far as your question about the Resurrection – you cant give everything away by page 30….. you have to leave room for twists, turns and surprises., Remember, the log line is to the industry….it is not the tagline for the public. So, of course I am going to take an epic course to my big statement. Imagine in Raiders of the Lost ark, knowing by page 30 that Indiana Jones gets the ark from the Nazis?

          The Resurrection is where my character ultimately ends up…remember The Sixth Sense..
          at the end you found out he was in fact the ghost. Who would want to know that in the beginning??!?

          Look up the log line for that and it will surprise you.

          The script is really about the futility of man…access to time travel, then time travel to witness the resurrection instead of something trite – then the irony of forgetting about it – then have a recall of the events and hope the world will accept your story…in the end we are simply left with our faith.. it is a lot to encapsulate in a log line…
          I have to go with the finer points.

          Forget the log line and tell me what the script left you thinking about…surely it provoked some deep thought…more than Fast and Furious 6 I hope!!

          If I can provoke thought in a creative manner unlike anyone else… I have created the epic that I sought to create. Would you rather I wrote about mundane forensics and fast food with attorneys in court and bad cops and mobsters shooting each other for money..would you rather i wrote about some guy who time travels back to trade on the stock market floor in 1929 and come back and start Google??

          Risk it on originality!

          I thought you would appreciate the complexity and gravity of my topic matter. I guess I am a little surprised at what you look at in your reviews my friend.

          Best,

          J

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          • June 11, 2013, 11:06 am

            SIXTH SENSE (log line) IMDb

            A boy who communicates with spirits that don’t know they’re dead seeks the help of a disheartened child psychologist.

            (Above) This is what most of the script is about.

            In the end of course, we find out that the child psychologist himself is dead.

            So once again, not trying to be the bad guy here, but an ending with a twist is just that. A logline on the other hand, should give a better idea of what the majority of your story is, which usually starts in Act 2. Of course these aren’t the only rules, but they are the highly recommended.

            If I had to compare your script, it’d be to The Da Vinci code, only yours has a time travel aspect to it which makes it unique. Not sure if you’ve seen the movie, but if not check it out Jay.

            And as far as I know personally, the secret of the whole Christianity message is that Jesus Christ dwells in us at all times. We don’t have to go look for him. He is within us. This is a free gift that we can choose to accept or ignore.

            Even movies such as Bruce Almighty somewhat speak of this theme, and I do agree that Peter’s conflict is the most devastating of all inner conflicts a man should have.

            However, since Peter is now an anthropologist who’s on a Indiana Jones like quest, which isn’t a bad thing at all, I’d expect to at least empathize with him. I don’t get that from reading your script. I know of many people whom experience futility in the church, but that didn’t stop them from going to the extreme of letting go of their faith completely. Now, there are many people whom question the teachings itself and begin to wander. That is more plausible in my opinion.

            Peter realizes that their’s many teachings outside of the church which the church itself has bogus reasons for not adopting them. And as Peter learns more things outside of the church, he questions his superiors only to find out they have no real answers to his questions. And just like we know, church is nothing more than a political machine, taking our money away. I could get much deeper in this subject, but I think that’s clear enough.

            But beyond that as I stated earlier, the overall lesson for Peter is that Jesus lives within him. He does not have to go look for him in a church, or time travel.

            Now, the idea of Peter actually being their live during the actual resurrection of Christ is a treat, and if he could bring back facts proving he was there would stop the world.

            Imagine that, he’s able to bring to prove that Jesus was resurrected and was still walking upon earth after his death, and such and such. Peter could have special insight on this phenomenal event that can shake up the world.

            What could an Atheist, Buddhist, etc say if there were proof that a man came back to life three days after he died and continued to spread his blessings and fulfills God’s truth. Sure they’d still say something, but this would have many unbelievers shaking their heads at their own beliefs.

            This is something I’d expect from you. I feel you are merely scratching the surface with your draft of Scroll Back. I’m positive you can add more creativity, thought provoking message and story that will have us Christians proud and unbelievers scratching their heads…

            Ron

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        • June 10, 2013, 6:27 pm

          Here’s a question for you Jay..How long have you been writing?

          Quite some time, I expect,.. and I respect that. You’re nearly twice my age so I would hope you have written much more than me.

          Funny thing, yet sad, you still haven’t learned to take in criticism so well. Sorry that I don’t agree that your story is just right. Does it have potential to be? In my opinion, yes, just like all other scripts. As I’ve said before, good concept, I just don’t care much for the way you executed it.

          I gave you some reasons as to why I felt this way. I even told you to ask me to clarify anything, if you were confused as to why I felt certain ways about you script. But oh boy, I see that was purposeless.

          You seem to have a hard time humbling yourself and taking in other people’s suggestions that may be different from yours. That’s what this site is for. Sure there are a few ridiculous people on this site whom are no more than trolls, but please don’t confuse me as one of those. I read every single word of your screenplay.

          Since I’m not qualified to read your script because I have yet to post one on this site, then why did you post it on this site? Why not just send it in to a professional reader and get their opinion. If they don’t agree with you, and feel your characters need more depth and that your hook should start sooner, or whatever, I hope you don’t respond to them like you did to me. That wouldn’t be so smart Jay.

          I like reading other people screenplays. It inspires me and it helps me with my own. I see things that work and don’t work in my opinion. Then I rate it and try to give helpful responses. And to answer your question Jay, I rate the scripts based on what the rating system allows me to.

          OVERALL
          CONCEPT
          STORY STRUCTURE
          CHARACTER
          DIALOGUE
          GRAMMAR

          And depending on what genre it is, I compare it so. I wouldn’t compare your movie to Fast and Furious 6. Two different kind of movies. I’d maybe compare your movie to Looper, Sixth Sense, other science fiction movies. If you think you’re scripts are on this same level as of this moment, then why waste your time trying to convince an aspiring writer such as myself. Use all of that energy and get it sold buddy.

          Thanks again for the honesty, though it sucks as you admitted that you will definitely trash my script regardless of whether its good or not. However, I can’t do that. I will continue to rate everyone scripts in my honest, humble opinions. If you don’t like it, so be it. But in the future, ASK ME why I felt certain ways about your script Jay.

          You don’t have to act like a little kid and throw tantrums and insult me any way you can, because your feelings is hurt due to an unexpected rating. My intentions are to help myself and everyone else in the process of improving scripts. All else is a waste of time.

          And like I said this is no bluff. I’ve read at least 25 scripts on this site. You can ask my girlfriend Jay. She’ll tell you I sit on my ass all day on this computer, either trying to work on my scripts, reading other people’s scripts, or playing solitaire :)

          I DON’T HAVE TIME TO FUCK WITH OTHER PEOPLE’S SCRIPTS JUST FOR THE HELL OF IT. I KNOW HOW MUCH TIME IS PUT INTO THEM. BUT WITH THAT SAID, I CAN’T LIE AND GIVE UNDUE PRAISE TO A SCRIPT IF I DON’T FEEL IT’S DUE AS OF YET.

          If you are trying to get your stories sold, just as I am, it’d be wise to listen to what others say about your script, especially if it’s coming from a honest heart. I had the same problem a while back and looking back I see how much time I wasted holding on to that attitude.

          All in all, cheers to you Jay!

          Ron

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          • hingylingy says
            June 11, 2013, 8:41 pm

            Ron;

            That is all well and good. I believe you “do” need to actually finish a screenplay and post it on this site, which will then lend you more “credibility” to give such poignant reviews. I did win a screenplay contest with Scroll Back, it also placed in the quarter finals in two other contests and the semi finals in one and the finals in two others. In another contest it placed #7 out of thousands of submissions… with that being said, I think I did something right here.

            I am just pointing out the fact that you come up with pretty good premises and then you move to your synopsis..but then there are no screenplays…I sense some fear there. Hey, I know because I have gone through it myself. But with that being said, I did not come to this site until I had two screenplays under my belt…Because I want to back my critiques up with solid work.

            You must pay heed to what I am saying. Get your script up! Then get it judged! Then enter some contests and see how you fare! Then come in as the blazing professional, teaching the rest of us. I think there is a little ego play here, and fair enough I possess it too, but what I also possess are finished works, unlike you. Yes, you are young and have the world by the tail. I do take what you say to heart, some of it frankly throws me for a loop and where I push depth, you seem to swim at the surface and miss it…I will take a closer look at Scroll Back now. Perhaps there is more I can bare by page 30. Maybe it is my log line. I wanted to make it excellent and expressive.

            OK –
            The story is about a guy who lost his faith and gains the ability to time travel, over time he figures out that his destiny is to go back and witness the Resurrection to believe in it and come back to the world with the truth..but the memory may not serve him the way he thinks…

            It is pretty hard to put this one in a log line.

            Anyway buddy.. don’t take it too personally and I will try not to either. Just telling you straight. I do like you and I think you are sharp. I am pushing you to not only talk the talk but walk the walk. And your push is getting me to take another look as well.

            Best,
            Jay

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      • June 10, 2013, 4:40 pm

        I’m going to start writing the script out next Monday for Her New Girlfriend,

        Around July 1st I want you to check out the first draft. As always your critiques get my mind going in other directions I haven’t thought about Jay.

        So I’d appreciate it if you could check it out, in advance!

        Ron

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        • June 11, 2013, 9:16 pm

          Okay fair enough Jay,

          And congrats to you and your accomplishments with the script.

          I still feel that anybody who can read and knows something about screenwriting structure is credible in judging others regardless of whether they posted a script on the site or not.

          I however cannot argue with your accomplishments. If the script is getting success as it is, you must be doing something right. At the end of the day, I share my thoughts and you can either agree with them or not.

          And yea there’s fear inside me in taking my time with the screenplay itself, but its a good fear. I’m constantly rewriting. I’m my biggest and harshest constructive critic. Screenplays is like building something. It takes so much planning before you actually build the damn house lol and I know I’m no master at it and I never have said I was.

          But I damn sure will try to master it and take it to another level later on one of these days just as I suspect all writers desire to and should :)

          I’m aware that some may look at me as though I know it all and “who is he to talk about my script and he hasn’t done shit” lol But I’m obviously okay with it. Everyone’s scripts helps me out at the same time. I thank you all and especially this site.

          But enough of that, keep up with the good work Jay

          Ron

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