Rum House
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Rating: 3.3/5 (10 votes cast)

Rum House

The musings of a discarded man haunted by the memories of a failed life.

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  1. Profile photo of Markgr
    Markgr says
    February 14, 2014, 12:48 pm
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    The grammar is overall good with some minor mistakes (hit’s instead of hits, etc.) Here I would also include “script grammar” which in this case needs some corrections. For instance, you do not need CUT TO before every scene, and a colon after a character’s name above a dialogue is not necessary.

    The dialogue is in places really great. I admire the depth of insight Sydney’s dialogues offer and some of his snappy retorts made me chuckle. Some of the narration seems superflous, as it adds little to the understanding of the character.

    I liked Sydney as a character and I enjoyed his opininions and way with words tremendously. His reaction to the girl’s death did not seem completely in line with the character. Other characters are somewhat sketchy and I was not fully convinced of Dr. Frank’s approach to therapy. But the sketciness is for the actors to deal with. I don’t know if you can add anything more to better define all the supporting characters, but I would not be against eliminating some of them.

    I guess it is the structure I am least happy with. In terms of story, very little happens in the first half of the script. I understand it is an introspective story, but for a long time it reads like Sydney’s observations on life. A novel might be a more appropriate medium for the structure you have laid out. And in a novel, you could flesh out Sydney’s personality and world view much more. But, if you’re sticking with a script, you must surround Sydney with more activity and put him in a faster moving story (fastER, not fast) – this character really deserves it. Here

    The concept is good, but the story and the story flow need reworking.

    For the next draft, try out a radical change of perspective. You obviously know and understand Syd very well, but free yourself from his point of view and go into more details of the world around him. What else could happen in the world Sydney inhabits? Give him something real to deal with.

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    ebfilms says
    January 20, 2014, 1:58 pm
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    Its a very good read and a very good story, but one I felt like I’ve seen before. I think with a bit more fleshing out, and a few more editing of scenes, this could be something special. You have a unique style, and a way with dialogue however. Nice job.

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  3. May 26, 2013, 11:18 am
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    At times the tone reminded me of “Withnail & I” and “Leaving Las Vegas”. I liked the characters and the dialogue. I needed more for and from everyone though. Great first script.

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  4. T-Bone says
    April 17, 2013, 10:30 am
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    Congrats to Michael Sieve for the boldness of his understatement. Like the other reviewers I was conscious of the pace – but thought it suited the story really well. Also for finding a distinctive space in a genre that feels maybe overfamiliar.

    In a nutshell: great characters repenting gracefully.

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  5. Brian@TE says
    April 7, 2013, 10:04 pm
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    I throughly enjoyed the dialouge. Very clever. As mentioned above technical issues hurt the read. Sydney is a delite to read rfom the opening scene. Great job, have fun with it!

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    • mbsieve says
      April 8, 2013, 12:39 am

      Thank you so kindly for your good words. Yep, Kinda learning a lot from this site as it regards my formatting. And will make some important changes in thet regard. BUt thank you so much for your input. Sydney is a heartfelt fellow. And, format mistakes aside, I enjoy writing from the heart. I am grateful that you found some worthiness in his character.

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  6. Pearse-N says
    April 5, 2013, 5:02 pm
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    A fantastic early draft. Real emotional pull at it’s heart, but technical and dialogue issues become too distracting. Good luck with the next iteration!

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    • mbsieve says
      April 6, 2013, 10:45 pm

      Thank you so much. I am starting to understand that I am a bit, let’s call it gratuitous, with my camera direction. Clearly, I need to address that. Aside from this indiscretion, I am pleased that the story has some appeal to you. I think there is an important message here and I do want to be able to bring it about in as compelling a manner as possible. Again, thank you for your thoughts.

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  7. April 1, 2013, 6:34 am
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    This story has an independent film feel to it.

    Dream like in a sense. Aside technical issues, such as formatting and the useless camera directions, I’d suggest placing Brandie in the story perhaps a bit earlier and sprinkle her a little more throughout it. She’s has potential to be a damn good character like Tiffany in Silver Linings Playbook.

    And Sydney reminds me a little bit of Pat in Silver Linings Playbook.

    Anyhow, if this story is intended to reach a more broader audience, I’d suggest speeding up the pace a little bit more but yet keep the story line moving alone with here and there moments among Sydney and the Dr. and his personal life of course and Brandie.

    Anyhow, these are just my opinions, and I did appreciate reading this.

    GOOD LUCK

    Ron

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    • mbsieve says
      April 1, 2013, 11:28 am

      Thank you very much for your input. As this is my first screenplay, I am most pleased to have some sense of guidance as it regards formatting and the like. As for Brandie, I loved making this character pop. And, believe it or not, she was a last second thought as I knew I needed something more to help Sydney along, to round out his journey. She is a delight to write for. So, yes, I would love the idea of fleshing her out a bit more.

      Thank you again for your time and thoughts!

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      • April 1, 2013, 11:40 am

        No problem!

        I’d like to read the second draft whenever it’s ready!

        Ron

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        • mbsieve says
          May 2, 2013, 12:45 am

          I just saw Silver Linings Playbook. Most appreciative of the comparson. Seriously! Thank you. That is a stellar movie. And you’re right, Tiffany is an exceptional character. So grateful that you read me and found such a kind comparison. Makes me feel…like a writer.

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          • May 2, 2013, 7:31 am

            Okay no problem! And I haven’t seen the film, but I did read the screenplay earlier this year.

            So it’s like I pretty much did see it in a way lol but I am aware that Jennifer Lawrence won an Oscar for portraying Tiffany in that movie so she did something right lol

            But yes I’m glad you saw the movie and maybe it’ll inspire your story one way or the other…

            Best of luck

            Ron

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  8. March 31, 2013, 12:38 pm
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    Touching story.

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    says
    March 19, 2013, 6:23 pm
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    Not a bad story but the script is full of camera shots and direction which should be left to the eventual director. I’ts an interesting premise that reminded me of the hit TV series, Shameless in its texture.
    I recommend reading David Trottier’s book on screenwriting. It’s incredibly helpful and easy to distill into your own work. Best of luck to you.

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  10. Joey-Kent says
    March 18, 2013, 10:16 pm
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    The writer writes in a wonderfully full style, reminiscent of Dickens – even down to the character names! The dialog features some great deadpan delivery and a very wry sense of humor. As with any serious read worth its chops, you gotta pay attention to each delicious turn, but in the end, it leaves you satisfied. “Rum House” brings an understanding to a complex situation and leaves the reader rooting for good ol’ Sydney. I think I’ll go put on a hat, sit by the pool, swill some rum and reflect on Mr. Sieve’s masterpiece. Well done!

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