Devil Bastard
A cult of idiots summon Satan into our realm only to realize that he is a total dick and must be banished back to Hell. 2012 ...
Riverview
When a sixteen year old returns to help run her dad’s youth center with a three year old daughter, the close knit community of Riverview begins to ask questions. The scandal free town is shocked to discover that the daughter is a product of rape and stunned to uncover the truth of who the father is.(Updated: November 15, 2012)
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No spice. No special reason to follow up on it. It seems so white bread, normal healthy. Why should we feel compelled to learn more. Story seemed well defined but not appealing.
Already voted. Whilst, an improvement on before I think you should still be looking for a little more economy. It’s got some nice depth to it, and the Enemy of the People motif is nice. Moving towards 4 stars now. WP
Can you vote again, please? I’d like to see where exactly where I am compared to your previous vote.
Sure,
Overall – 3.5
Story Potential – 4
Hook – 3
This feel claustrophobic and I like that. I still feel your leaving too much unanswered. I think you need to lay it out for us more. Usual Suspects logline lays it out really well, “A boat has been destroyed, criminals are dead, and the key to this mystery lies with the only survivor and his twisted, convoluted story beginning with five career crooks in a seemingly random police lineup.”
Good luck with it. WP
There’s not much of hook. but it sounds like a good story.
Work on it.
Sorry but I think it’s excellent. The hook is a 16 year old girl returning home with a 3 year old child. This means she fell pregnant at 12 or early 13. There is enough questions there regarding plot and conflict to make a good story.
Good job Brian
It is still very unclear what the story is about. The sentences are too long and the structure makes it difficult to understand what you’re trying to convey.
Needs work but how about:
A sixteen year old rape victim arrives back in town to help her father run a Boy’s Club. Her battle with forgiveness peaks when she suspects one of the boys is molesting her baby daughter.
Good idea! I’ll reword it, the main problem will be how to figure out to tell her daughter she is a product of rape and keeping the secret that she was raped from coming out (she’d rather have people think she’s easy than have them feel sorry for her). This storyline is just a small part of who this character is (like Ricky in The Secret Life of the American Teenager). This is what is going to happen in the pilot episode. Everybody who has read the script has really liked it, but I’m having trouble putting the monologue on here.
its not clear…
Who is a “young girl struggling mother”? Why is she coming home? What does her dark secret mean for the town? For example – A young mother returns to her home town after (x) years away to confront a terrible secret from her past…Or something like that, you get the picture
With a clear idea of what this journey is, all the ingredients (of what I’m sure is a great story) will grab everyone’s attention. WP
It’s a little convoluted, be more succinct. Is the young girl the struggling mother or is it two people? Not sure what you mean. With that aside, the premise sounds good. Just need to really see what your story is about.
You may not need to start out as “a family drama” and focus a bit more on the actual premise. It sounds like you may have something really interesting. But, you need to give a little more information out.
Thank you, I posted a revised logline yesterday.