Revolving Roscoe More Images
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Revolving Roscoe

Something is not right at Shady Oaks. A wing has disappeared and windows are blacked out. Worse is the new director, a throw-back to 1940’s Germany. When Roy arrives, he decides to shake things up with a live mouse. When Roscoe escapes, he not only literally brings down the house, but a criminal smuggling ring to boot.

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  1. roknsrf says
    July 6, 2015, 12:27 am
    Overall
    Concept
    Story Structure
    Character
    Dialogue
    Grammar
    Budget (1-Low / 5-High)

    I really loved this story and had a great time reading it. So many laughs, and so many fun scenes. I think you have a great foundation for what will be a great script. Roy is a superb protagonist, and Bronquest as the antagonist is priceless. So many great scenes, quality characters and of course, Roscoe to steal the show.
    There are a number of things I would like to suggest to bring this gem to the big screen. The minor issues are proof reading errors, no big deal, every script has them until at least the 5th to 10th edit at least. Barbara Walters, needs a name change for obvious reasons. Lisa’s dialogue may need even more dumbing down, so that her speech matches the degree of “blondness” her character exhibits in her action scenes. Primarily in the beginning when she is introducing Roy to some of the other residents her dialogue needs to be more ditzy and monosyllabic. I also suggest giving real names to all the card players and character descriptions for them. You have plenty of pages to fill. Which brings us to the major issues. First, your script is far too short. At a minimum you have 32 more pages to write.
    The 1st act is good, but the introduction of Roscoe is not the inciting incident of the main plot, so his appearance on page 33 (about where the inciting incident should occur) is only a subplot inciting incident. Now don’t get me wrong, it is an excellent subplot as is the case with most great comedies. It’s in this subplot where your comic genius shines, but as is the case with the minor subplot of Barbara and Roy’s war of wills, it is a subplot nonetheless. The main plot is the discovery and subsequent bringing down of the smuggling ring. That being said, your script needs to deliver the inciting incident for the main plot in order to bring the 1st act to a close. Now, on page 30 you introduce an inciting incident for the minor subplot involving the escape happy Mark and his exploits. So as I see it, you have 2 choices. You can either entwine Mark’s reason’s for escaping into the main plot, or you must create an inciting incident for the main plot. Simply identifying the blacked out windows and the closed off wing is not enough. By page 33 something must happen to bring the audience into the know about what’s wrong over there and once they watch the events of the main plots inciting incident (whatever that might be) they should feel that nothing will be the same for Roy and his new found friends. Perhaps having a small kid from a family the bad guys are smuggling into the country wander into Roy’s room and one of the bad guys finds the kid with Roy and ruffs him up in the exchange or threatens him that’s things won’t go well for him if he tells anyone what he’s seen etc. In the 2nd act you will have to write in the “big twist” at the mid point of your script. As the script is now, you have nothing happening that interrupts Roy and his ally’s attempts to uncover what is going on in the abandoned wing. This is where your story will need the most work. Roy and his buddies need to get caught and things need to look hopeless for them, “until” some unlikely character saves them. The development of this part of the second act will add many of the much needed pages currently lacking in your script. I see a duel set of saviors for your heroes, one being the events you already have with Roscoe creating the uproar he does, and then perhaps having the Mark character rescue the boys instead of having him get caught right away on his second escape attempt. Somewhere before the rescue you might have a flashback where we get to experience Mark’s first escape involving the coyote, but during his experience have him witness some of the human trafficking going on by your bad guys or some other events that put him in the know. That would help create a motive for his second escape and why he stuck around to be in the right place at the right time to save Roy and his friends. At some point early in the 2nd act, some scenes need to be added that let your audience now who the bad guys are, and more insight into what their up to. It should include the addition of some suggestion that a sinister outcome awaits the residents of the nursing home in order to give the plot and the actions of the protagonist more urgency in the audience’s mind. This will give emotional depth to your script and allow the audience to invest themselves in the eventual outcome. In the 3rd act, you need to create the possibility that the bad guys could escape and have their attempt to do so foiled by Roy and his friends, now including Mark. Maybe the kid reappears and helps lead them to the hidden tunnel the bad guys have entered to make their escape. Just the break they need to foil the bad guys and truly earn their hero status at the end. These are merely suggestions, and you may have figured this all out in some form or another. I just wanted to give you the kind of feedback that might help you create a script which can actually translate to the screen and get a producer’s attention. Take it and use it if you can, and good luck.

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