Quest for Light, Adventure of the Magi More Images
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Quest for Light, Adventure of the Magi

Captivated by an extraordinary star, the Bible’s Persian priests journey along the Silk Road battling evil and struggle with their faith until they are transformed by God on their way to Bethlehem.

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  1. Profile photo of leeoconnor
    leeoconnor says
    January 3, 2015, 10:16 am

    Hi Bryon,

    Gave this a quick read, you have a good concept, but there are a few errors with this script.

    “SUPER: “NORTHEASTERN PERSIA, THIRTY B.C.”

    “Northeastern” is that one word? It should be North Eastern. and the thirty B.C doesn’t make scenes, what is the year? This must be clear.

    “THREE BOYS (12 years old), one boy is dark-skinned.”

    “Three boys, 12” is fine, there is no need for “years old”.
    If one boy is dark skinned, then what do the other two boys look like?
    Also, I noticed later that the boys are not named or numbered and could cause confusion to the reader to whether which boys are being attacked etc. This needs to be more clear.

    “BALTHASAR (40s) beard, tall and fit for mid-40s.”

    the 40s is a pretty big gap, someone who is 41 to someone who is 49 could look completely different, I would be more specific or just put mid 40s and lose for mid-40s.

    You action descriptions read awkwardly and are missing key words to make it exciting, although I have noticed you’ve tried to keep it simple and minimal which is what you should do, it just reads boring.

    If you were to give the boys a name at the start in the first place you could eliminate phrases like “uninjured dark skin boy” which just reads awkwardly, not to mention we know he is not injured because you haven’t told us he is, so there is no need for that.

    I understand your trying to keep the boys a mystery at this point, but it is only confusing to the reader, which you should never do. On screen the boys identity remain a mystery, so I would recommend giving them a name just for the readers sake.

    You have a good concept here, it just needs work.

    I’m not telling you this to be malicious in any way, just some friendly advice.

    Good luck with this, and keep writing. Trust keep going through your work and perfecting it, someone will pick it up.

    Lee O’Connor

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  2. Profile photo of SaraMcD
    SaraMcD says
    September 17, 2014, 9:16 pm
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    I think the concept is excellent. It puts a different spin on a well-known story, so it definitely fits the “familiar but new” criteria that makes for a great film. I found myself getting so interested in learning more about the Magi. The details you included about aspects of life at that time were also so interesting.

    As for areas of improvement, here are the ones that stood out to me: as it progresses, a lot of the dialog is very on-the-nose, with a lot of exposition. This makes it much less exciting. Rather than telling the audience so much, you could re-write to let them see/be sucked into the action, and instead use your dialog to give them more insight into the characters, rather than just to give them information on things that have happened. As it is, the main characters begin to sound alike and lose their individuality.

    I was also left with questions about their choices. They’re clearly very religious, so I was wondering why, if they really believed in this star, they were able to still believe in their God – wouldn’t accepting that a Jewish messiah was being born (just from seeing the star) make them believe he was the one true God from the beginning? I thought it would be interesting if we saw more of an internal conflict in these characters about following this star, and more resistance to believing in any other God – so that when they do believe in the end, it shows a great change. Burning their sacred book shows a change, but seemed too quick by itself.

    Overall, there’s a lot of great action, and it’s particularly engrossing in the beginning. As it went on, though, it became a little repetitive – it felt like one battle after another with little time to get a sense of what characters were feeling/experiencing and relate to them. It also made the battles lose their effectiveness – nothing seemed that important. Perhaps focusing on just a few key battles as highlights would be more effective?

    Finally, I wondered whether it might be better to leave out the Aeshma magic stuff – his face appearing in a cloud, etc. I think Aeshma’s a great, scary character, but it might feel scarier and more like we’re on a real-life journey with these characters if during the journey things remain more realistic? Bribing others to help capture the Magi was a good, realistic way to put the pressure on.

    Overall, awesome, awesome concept, I think it could make a great film with a few more rewrites!

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  3. Brian@TE says
    September 5, 2014, 11:43 am
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    What a great concept. I never would have thought of the Magi as warriors but I like the idea. You likened this to Indiana Jones or the The Robe. I honestly think it is more like Lord of the Rings. Seems like you did a lot of research. Thanks for sharing it with us.

    A few things I think can help improve the story when you go to your next re-write:
    -Figure where your plot points are, do they change the direction of the story. You have a lot battles, obstacles and triumphs but I couldn’t point to any incident or revelation that would impacted the rest of the story.
    -I think your Magi’s internal conflict needs to be drawn out more. Balthazar conflict of serving one deity but finding God is good drama but could come out more.
    -Larger, more costly battles/obstacles might be more dramatic than a bunch of short little ones.
    -For your bad guy to be a threat he needs some victories. They fight him many times but with almost no consequences. Because of this after a few times the audience will no longer fear him as a threat, more of just a reason for something that is happening.

    Please keep me updated, I’d love to read the next version.

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