Poser
User Rating:
VN:RO [1.9.17_1161]
Overall
Concept
Story Structure
Character
Dialogue
Grammar
Budget (1-Low / 5-High)
Rating: 3.7/5 (12 votes cast)

Poser

Disgraced bodybuilder, caught using steroids, is sent to a yoga ashram in India.

16 Comments

Leave A Reply
  1. March 10, 2016, 3:51 pm
    Overall
    Concept
    Story Structure
    Character
    Dialogue
    Grammar
    Budget (1-Low / 5-High)

    I thought this was a wonderful, engaging and inspiring fish-out-of-water story. The tight action descriptions made for a smooth and easy read, and the humor embedded in them made it all the more enjoyable. Great work and good luck!

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    Report user
  2. Profile photo of L.D.Pinson
    L.D.Pinson says
    January 9, 2016, 6:17 pm
    Overall
    Concept
    Story Structure
    Character
    Dialogue
    Grammar
    Budget (1-Low / 5-High)

    I think there is a lot of potential here due to the subject matter if done correctly.

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    Report user
  3. February 14, 2014, 1:29 am
    Overall
    Concept
    Story Structure
    Character
    Dialogue
    Grammar
    Budget (1-Low / 5-High)

    Poser is well written. The framework of the screenplay is clever, funny, and embodies subtle witticisms. Great writing. And let’s be honest, Johnny Totale is endearing and more common than we’d like to think.

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    Report user
  4. Profile photo of
    says
    February 10, 2014, 8:26 pm
    Overall
    Concept
    Story Structure
    Character
    Dialogue
    Grammar
    Budget (1-Low / 5-High)

    This script moves very quickly, and would be more of a short film. From that perspective, the dialogue is actually clever and the visuals are cohesive. I love your descriptions in the action lines, especially the one about the smock losing to a Bedazzler. However, I’m really not sure how to feel about the main character. At first I thought he was some macho man who couldn’t give any care to another human; once he’s in India he seems to do just fine with the kids and is actually relatively cordial. It doesn’t seem like his “goals” really needed to be attained – rather, they felt there all along. This could be a funny short, but to make it feature length I suggest you delve much deeper into Johnny’s mind and flex up the drama.

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  5. Profile photo of craighorst
    craighorst says
    February 3, 2014, 8:25 pm
    Overall
    Concept
    Story Structure
    Character
    Dialogue
    Grammar
    Budget (1-Low / 5-High)

    Thoroughly enjoyable and inspiring.
    Johnny at first appeared to be nothing more than another looser jock, however, I found myself rooting for him and wanting him to succeed. You created a nice transformational arc for his character from the opening to the conclusion. Great idea: “Boom Boom Boom” for the kids, not for himself!
    Wisely, the script gets to the protagonist’s needs and obstacles in the first few scenes.
    Formatting is well done. Great pacing.
    Good contrast and development of characters through the use of both action and dialog, for instance, Johnny saying, “A new deli?”; or his wearing the smock with the sleeves ripped out; or Guru Sharma’s secret smokes.
    Characters do not all speak alike—Great! (I love Guru Sharma’s confident manner of speaking for instance, and Dipak also has his own charm. )
    Effective use of creative descriptions, similes, and metaphors help us to visualize many scenes. For instance, when Johnny “de-pretzels” from the car; or “She drops down to the floor, with the elegance of a ballerina. Johnny coaxes his tree trunk legs into submission;” or “Johnny watches Anna glide down toward the kitchen.” There are perhaps too many similes, but this is something many writers do not think to use at all.
    On the down side, Johnny’s opening routine seems very short. And it might have been nice to see additional contestants.
    Flaw: at opening comp. there is never a scene direction change from backstage to audience pov. Also, we see Johnny standing on the winners’ podium with no prior notice that he was actually the winner.
    Great the way important information is introduced using pure visual w/o dialog, for instance, the syringe. Great way dispensing information using a visual when the water splashes on the books Johnny is reading to prepare himself for India.

    On page ten there is some time confusion regarding the day that Sal went to the commission to plead Johnny’s case. Sal says it was “today” but the scene indicates “days later” and that they “didn’t bite” even though we still do not know their decision.
    On page 14 how does Johnny drive off without first getting into the car?
    On page 16 Johnny chomps a massive bite of protein bars without unwrapping them?
    On page 17 there are fast food curries in the baggage area?
    On page 44 we see Sal in pajamas but the intercut was forgotten.
    On page 46 I would like to have seen Johnny spend a little more time in town with Dipak after the phone call.
    On page 47 it seems unlikely that Johnny had not seen Anna since the first day of Yoga.
    I would have made reference to his father’s second wife before raising the question in people’s minds why he knows so much about Hanukkah and gefilte fish.
    On page 59 should the following belongs in dialog: “Anna describes the physiology and muscle impacts of heavy weight lifting as they trail off.” However, this could be accomplished by observing hand and body movements as she speaks.)

    But all of these are only details to attend to later on. Frankly, I feel as if I’ve already seen the movie. It was an easy read and a pleasure. Good luck to you.

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: +1 (from 1 vote)
    Report user
  6. Profile photo of MBGrant
    MBGrant says
    December 15, 2013, 11:34 pm
    Overall
    Concept
    Story Structure
    Character
    Dialogue
    Grammar
    Budget (1-Low / 5-High)

    Not sure if you know, but I’m relatively certain a very similar plot was already made into a B film in the last few years. I recommend researching this issue (I recall it was either a bodybuilder or a boxer sent to India under the same or similar circumstances). My son got it via Netflix last year.

    I think the most redeeming part is the writer’s technical writing ability. However, good grammar doesn’t translate into good content. The characters and storyline were disappointingly predictable and, thus, boring. The hook is missing-to me, it feels like a template rom-com without the meat on the bones. It’s painfully predictable what’s going to happen on the next page. I also think the comedy is contrived. What’s with all the “booms”? What are you trying to convey? These don’t enhance the plot or make it funnier and, thus, only make it feel stale. I agree with the previous comment that coverage would be extremely beneficial (especially as the general feedback could help with a next endeavor).

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    Report user
  7. September 11, 2013, 3:59 pm

    I thoroughly enjoyed this script, so upon reading the critique of MIchael-Ford, I felt compelled to say something. First off I want to say, as a working actor I completely understand and respect the value of professional opinion as well as technical advice on set when dealing with the realism of ANY profession, social/medical condition etc. So the specifics of the technical advice Michael gives cannot be completely ignored.

    That being said, we have to also understand what kind of film we are dealing with, and also that the mass viewing audience in America not to mention world wide, is not privey to proffesional knowledge in everything they see on the big screen. ALL films are largely viewed through stereotypical, prejudice eyes. And that is not necessarily form a negative stand point, but more so form a lack of exposure and ignorance.

    POSER is ABSOLUTELY a caricature of the world of body building. I cannot claim to know much about the sport myself, but as a collegiate athlete there are certain things I saw in the script that I know require a stretch of the imagination to take in. But what one has to keep in mind is that, this is not a documentary on Body building. Its a Romantic Comedy involving ONE Body Builder. Stereotypes are based on partial truths, but are not necessarily universal truths. The hilarity in any of them is a balance between what actually is and what, to most viewers, SEEMS to be. And to change from something like body building to something even more universally understood like Soccer or Football (American) or basketball, I think, would be a huge mistake. It would put the writer’s main character under a LOT more scrutiny from a viewing majority. I played American Football, and I could sit for hours and pick apart films like ANY GIVEN SUNDAY and THE REPLACEMENTS, but at the end of the day the film is made for movie goers, not people that play the sports.

    And while I don’t know much about Body Building, I do know something about film making, as well as living in Hollywood. And 9 times out of ten having a technically sound written screenplay doesn’t mean it will make the best film…or even get made period. More often than not it’s the less well written scripts that get made, because the most important thing is the story. The rest falls into place after that. So many writers in these contests forget that the final destination of a script is to be made into a movie, not just read. And in that regard, rules were made to be broken. More important than adhering to strict screenwriting structure is writing a film that works; that translates to the creative minds of actors, producers, directors, and DPs. They put the meat on the bones. If it was all about “writting the perfect script” Quentin Tarantino wouldn’t have a writing OR directing career. A joke can ABSOLUTELY be written in the action description and RARELY on the camera direction. This leaves the hilarity up to the interpretation of the Director and DP. Writing the score of Johnny vs Fatigue to ME could be something as simple as a freeze frame that flashes the score for a split second on the screen just before johnny face plants on the ground form exhaustion. And thats just one interpretation. You want your movie to go being just being read and heralded as a screenwriting master piece. You want the end game. You want the motion picture. And that means thinking outside the box EVEN at the writing level.

    I agree 100% with some of the things Michael says technically as in the way a scene heading should be written. But a writer should take certain liberties to tell the story they way they please, like a signature on a work of art. And to rate someone so harshly because for the most part you just don’t like how they depict something you are close to is wrong. Your opinion in that area only should apply to the OVERALL rating.

    The way I see it, even with professional feedback what this writer would get from MOST, is a lot of laughs, at both the irony in the truths and the stretch of the imagination in what may be all together a false assumption. I mean with all the hood parodies and gangster rap stereotypes out there, NO ONE would be making money off of comedy in America if African Americans couldn’t laugh at stereotypes that aren’t necessarily true. And the fact is, now-a-days, just like this pokes fun at body builders…everybody’s got a black joke. So don’t get mad brother. “LOL” instead.

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    Report user
  8. Profile photo of kristinelizabeth
    September 11, 2013, 3:50 am
    Overall
    Concept
    Story Structure
    Character
    Dialogue
    Grammar
    Budget (1-Low / 5-High)

    Liked the transformation of the main character, and the fish out of water concept. Enjoyed the dialogue and think it was an interesting concept.

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    Report user
  9. September 6, 2013, 5:21 am
    Overall
    Concept
    Story Structure
    Character
    Dialogue
    Grammar
    Budget (1-Low / 5-High)

    As a bodybuilding fan I was quite intrigued by this script, but after about 5th page I felt disappointment.

    First – seems like you don’t know anything about this sport. ALL pro bodybuilders are on drugs, and it’s not prohibited. Only amateurs are not allowed to gas. There’s no any sane sportsman that would get drugs from Guatemala. Also, an average builder uses 4-5 different drugs at same time, not one. That’s only small part of your bloopers.

    Second – Johnny. Why is he such an imbecile? Guy who loves his body and douchebag isn’t same. Person with such character would never achieve anything in any sport, even with all drugs in world. Then you totally break his character turning him into wise responsible mentor without any real reason. Ego-maniacs don’t change so easy.

    Third – plot. I thought at first it’s a parody, and it should be parody, cause it’s absolutely unrealistic story. REAL bodybuilder will never put girlfriend over business. Generally, storyline is too dull, especially India part. Add something exciting.

    Your dialogues are too short, banal and absolutely not funny (for me). But what’s worse, they sound too “fake”, like you purposely set them under PG. Which you did. Page 42 – you wrote “Sh*t”. Page 85 – “She gives him a PG-13 kiss”. Don’t censure yourself, at-least so directly. Good writer must be CONFIDENT.

    You put more humor in your descriptions than dialogues. Maybe should be opposite? Besides, it’s pretty flat humor. “Fatigue 1, Johnny 0” (you repeat this joke 3-4 times) – not so hilarious as you may think.

    About FORMAT.
    Why did you print title at every page?
    Why do you write every sentence from new line?

    You also need to put more info into scenes titles. When he arrived to India you wrote:
    “INT. BAGGAGE CLAIM – HOURS LATER”.
    Why do you want a reader to guess location? It should be:
    “INT. NEW DEHLI AIRPORT – BAGGAGE CLAIM – DAY (LATER)”.

    Page 83:
    “The parked Cressida is freshly washed, having just been detailed. Nope. It’s still disgusting”.
    That’s not the way to write movie scripts. If it’s still disgusting, then you should write “It’s still disgusting”.

    Anyway, if you can (and want) – redraft it into parody, which can work better. Or switch Bodybuilding to American Football. And make it more INTRIGUING and ORIGINAL. I would stop reading after page 10 if I’d be producer.

    I also suggest you to order professional feedback, if you think my comments are too harsh. See what they’ll tell you.

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: -1 (from 3 votes)
    Report user
    • September 11, 2013, 4:04 pm

      sorry. meant to write my long ass statement above as a reply here.

      VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
      Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
      Report user
      • September 11, 2013, 4:25 pm

        …but since i already started a book. Every example you gave of things you don’t think are funny are jokes that i have seen written plenty of times the same way in scripts that have been made and theatrically released. And to a director, actor, or DP the joke on page 83 translates to a scene with no dialogue where the driver taking pride in his freshly washed car gets a look of “are you fucking serious?” from the lead despite his efforts to clean up his ugly car.

        You say you would stop reading after page 10 “if you were a producer”. So my guess is you aren’t. I happen to be sitting with Jeff Greenstein (CO-Exec Prod/Director: Will & Grace, Desperate House Wives, FRIENDS etc) a few weeks ago when I was asking him for advice on how to write and pitch a pilot to networks. His advice on writing was to do something exactly like this writer has done. He told me something original is hard to come by. Everything has been done and writing 101 is “stale”. PRODUCERS want fresh, and they want something that is going to get people talking. In movies or TV, what they say is irrelevant as long as they are talking. In Hollywood “any publicity is good publicity”. And out of all the scripts I’ve read so far (8-9) I can say THIS one even more so than my own has the most WORKABLE PRODUCTION value. For the exact reasons you seem to be shitting on it. You average American movie goer (because you don’t make a film like this for the world market) knows NOTHING about Body Building except 4 words: steroids, weights, protein, and muscles. But they everything about sacrifice, love, kids, competition, etc etc….the themes that are the focus of POSER that can be related to go on and on.

        Think about it.

        VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
        Rating: +1 (from 1 vote)
        Report user
  10. Profile photo of georgejrubino
    September 2, 2013, 1:30 pm
    Overall
    Concept
    Story Structure
    Character
    Dialogue
    Grammar
    Budget (1-Low / 5-High)

    The writing is strong, the story moves along briskly, the dialogue is crisp, sharp. Once Johnny arrives in India the plot becomes predictable, we know exactly where it is going. But Barron handles it very well. Johnny’s relationship with Dipak is charming and amusing. The ending, though predictable, is sweet and poignant.

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    Report user
  11. Profile photo of warrenmn
    warrenmn says
    August 15, 2013, 9:15 pm
    Overall
    Concept
    Story Structure
    Character
    Dialogue
    Grammar
    Budget (1-Low / 5-High)

    Overall the most solid story I’ve read so far on this site. The concept is great but because of the focus being around the body builder it may not be as universally relate able as a basketball player or a football player or something like that. But extremely well written and definitely funny.

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    Report user
  12. August 15, 2013, 5:21 pm
    Overall
    Concept
    Story Structure
    Character
    Dialogue
    Grammar
    Budget (1-Low / 5-High)

    I’ve read about 5 of these so far not counting my own. Man. Awesome story. I laughed out loud on the dialogue, and between the lines (…the color of the car: Dust, HA!!!). Nothing over the top, and a great arch of the main characters growth, and redemption. You taught me somethings here and I am stealing a little for my own main characters redemption. I feel lucky to have come across your work now, and it would be a travesty if this doesn’t get manifested on the big screen. Bets of luck my man.

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: +1 (from 1 vote)
    Report user
  13. belw says
    August 5, 2013, 6:05 pm

    i just think its a higher budget because of the number of locations.

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    Report user
  14. belw says
    August 5, 2013, 6:04 pm
    Overall
    Concept
    Story Structure
    Character
    Dialogue
    Grammar
    Budget (1-Low / 5-High)

    well I’ve known a few body builders, I think they all used steroids just from what I heard. Most of them would do well to go to India so this script rings true to me. I’d have given it 5 stars all the way but dont want to hear any negative feedback about it again. but I would have, good story, clean, tight, formatted well, etc.

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    Report user

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.