Planet Ice
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Planet Ice

A Young Hockey Player who is ignoring his potential talent, encounters an Entity who’s life was cut short, Inspires and Trains him on an Icy Dreamscape called “Planet Ice”.

Monologue: Page 51

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  1. Profile photo of John-S
    John-S says
    October 17, 2012, 10:50 am
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    Blew me away

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  2. Yopauly75 says
    September 16, 2012, 3:30 pm
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    You can definitely tell that the writer of this script is a hockey fan, which I can appreciate since I am one as well. Unfortunately, the story overall was not there for me. I would have enjoyed this script a lot more if the writer had simply written it as a drama and got rid of all the "fantasy/sci-fi" elements all together. It didn't work at all with this story and it really was the least interesting part to me. At times I found it laughable, which I don't think was the writer intent. I also fear that you're going to completely turn off your reader if they are not a hockey fan . . . There is a TON of hockey stuff in this script, like I said, I'm fine with it because I'm a fan, but I don't think others will be as forgiving. If you're dead set on writing a script based on a sport, you better make the script ultra tight, the characters multi layered and the story engaging as hell . . . and at the moment it's not there.

    Some technical issues I'd like to point out that should be fairly easy to fix:

    – You need to go through the script and remove ALL the camera directions (which there are a LOT of). This is a common error that a lot of new screenwriters do and it should be nipped in the bud ASAP. I know it's hard. You really want the reader to know how you see things but that should be reserved for the director. When I first started writing screenplays like 20 years (damn, has it been that long). It was really hard for me to do as well, but you have to do it.

    – Next, you need to get away from using the term "We" when your writing your narrative. Don't use terms like, "we see so and so do this" Just simply tell us what the person is doing. There is no we.

    – Also, get rid of all the random ALL CAP words. The only thing that should be in all caps is the characters names when they're first being introduced.

    – Your first paragraph is VERY confusing. The last thing you want to do is to confuse the reader in the first five seconds.

    Hope this helps. Good luck to you.

     

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