Perfect Betrayal More Images
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Rating: 2.5/5 (3 votes cast)

Perfect Betrayal

A young woman, turned into the perfect operative in order to win a military contract, struggles to retain her identity.

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  1. Profile photo of
    says
    October 14, 2014, 4:38 pm
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    An intriguing premise that we’ve seen before… corporate machinations, military plots, dehumanization through technology, unwitting assassins created from ordinary folk. There’s nothing fresh and new brought to these concepts. The writer certainly has skill in crafting a suspenseful premise with an unexpected twist ending… but there is much to be done to tighten this draft and to flesh out the main character into someone we care more about.

    In the ten pages you introduce over twenty characters — the reader becomes distracted with who’s who and cannot distinguish which ones will be the major players in the story. Are all these characters necessary?

    There’s a lot of chit-chat throughout the script. It may sound natural, but is does nothing to advance your story. Best example I can point to: pages 23-24 which covers dining table chit-chat about coffee and caffeine. It is unnecessary if it is simply meant to get us to the next scene. There are many similar scenes that do not contribute to character development or plot progression. Rewriting with this in mind will tighten the script, cut the fat, and create a fast-paced momentum to the story.

    Typos and other manuscript errors distract from the reading. Your script should not contain any errors. Make sure you got a good proofreader. Then find another one. Then another. Sometimes the writer’s eye sees what it wants to see and misses the mistake. Your most glaring error is the one that completely deflated the suspense of the final pages (p. 104): “Without hesitation Simon picks up the gun and shoots Simon, dead!”

    The current draft of Perfect Betrayal has the potential to be so much better, particularly because the sci-fi/action genre is a popular one. With a critical eye toward your own work, edit and rewrite with focus on building character and suspense.

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    cllabres says
    October 12, 2014, 7:12 pm
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    I do agree with Brian@TE on the originality of the script. It is interesting and fast paced. What I would say is that we need a stronger arc or a purpose so when facing doom, the character is ready or the transformation has already taken place. The current movie Gravity offers a take on that situation. One character sacrifices himself so another one can make it to complete a mission. In other words, the character gains maturity or remains true to a purpose regardless of the outcome and becomes larger than life. Good start and best of luck.

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  3. Brian@TE says
    August 30, 2014, 1:07 pm
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    Thanks for allowing me to read your script. As a writer myself I understand how much time and sweat goes into a story. Especially one of the Sci-Fi genre where you have to create a reality for the reader. So as you go through the next re-write of the story here are a few notes that can improve the story.

    I found the concept to be a good idea as a plot but I never understood motive from a any of the characters. No character seemed to have a character arc.
    In your opener you give us a lot of names but then when they speak to each other the characters use code names. Rather confusing. Plus being that they all die (sorry, don’t mean to spoil anything for other readers) early their names are irrelevant.
    Dialogue is okay but as you go back through try to remove some cliche’ lines “…he has to pay.”

    You’ve got a good start here I look forward to reading the next version.

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