ONU
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Rating: 3.9/5 (10 votes cast)

ONU

Alrick Onu, a CIA agent who has spent his life seducing women, suddenly gets a huge surprise when his precocious 12 year-old daughter, whom he never knew existed, shows up on his doorstep.

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  1. March 17, 2013, 12:49 pm
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    In my opinion, this is easily the best script I’ve read thus far on this site.

    AWESOME JOB

    Ron

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    axelrodm1 says
    January 31, 2013, 7:45 pm

    This concept is strong enough, very True Lies-esque, but the execution is not very well done I’m sorry to say. The dialogue is like nails on a chalkboard. The people are not well developed, and the situations are cartoonish, although that can work if the characters are developed properly and the dialogue rings more true of human beings talking.

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  3. January 31, 2013, 6:06 am
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    Dialogue WAY TOO ON THE NOSE and direct. No clever words between characters. Just straight-forward banal pleasantries. This is written like a novel but in script-form (sort of). This needs a few more drafts before it is finished. Polish it up a bit more and cut out some of the “fat” that you don’t need.

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  4. January 24, 2013, 2:04 am
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    This was pretty good. I can see this having a sequel with a pet he never knew he had.

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    tserlin says
    December 13, 2012, 8:29 pm
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    Overall, your writing is very strong – and you have a good descriptive voice. Conceptually, an entertaining story with some great action sequences. Clearly, this has commercial potential – and the casting aspects will add to the draw.

    Character distinctions are good – although the development is not as fleshed out as you might make it for fully-rounded characters. While Susan’s introduction really jumps off the page, there is a slight loss of impact as the narrative progresses. Almost immediately, Onu is ‘claiming’ her as his daughter – when the entire first act should be about his denial (and perhaps – inner conflict). It also seems a little tough to buy into him being pick-pocketed by a 12-year old girl and the dramatic aspect churning into a comedy.

    Dimensionality is a slight issue with your characters. They go through the motions – but seem flat at times (even with the multiple location changes). Some of this could be elevated with mannerisms/actions/emotional thread and dialogue. Onu isn’t James Bond. He doesn’t drive an Aston Martin – he drives a Camaro! There is so much more to the ‘internal’ him that I would love to see.

    Generally, their relationship is tough to pin down at times from a tonal perspective. As this is the crux for your story, I would recommend paying a bit more attention to it. There is so much potential with exploring this storyline and themes. This is a highly commercial project – and you want to really appeal to producers and investors. Best of luck and congratulations!

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  6. Profile photo of normanwilliam
    October 30, 2012, 7:35 am
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    Sorry for coming so late into this. Apart from a weak character arc and growth, the story itself is very well paced and a very fun read! Good job.

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  7. Profile photo of jimmymcdaide
    July 30, 2012, 11:05 am

    Sorry forgot to vote

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  8. Profile photo of jimmymcdaide
    July 30, 2012, 11:04 am

    No doubt this has a lot of commercial potential. That said, your script (whilst mildly enjoyable) suffers from an identity crisis. I don’t feel you know what you want this tone to be and are trying to cover all bases.

    From the opening “conversation” in free fall to the vague cartwheeling of his relationship with his daughter it feels like you’ve thrown spaghetti at the wall in the hope that some might stick. Some definitely does stick – but it could be so much more.

    The idea of a child invading a spy’s world is great and the blueprint for this is The Professional. The way in which that narrative works the relationship between child and assassin is a lesson in character exploration. There’s so much in this kind of relationship that to go down the amusing route is missing a huge opportunity.

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  9. says
    July 27, 2012, 7:04 pm
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    You had me hooked from the first page

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  10. says
    July 27, 2012, 7:03 pm

    One word AWESOME!

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    perloff says
    July 7, 2012, 2:58 am

    I never got pulled into this. I think the problem comes from a lack of consistency in character and tone. One minute Onu is relieved when his daughter gets shot with a tranquilizer gun and the next minute he cares about being a good dad? I needed a reason for him to make this transition. The sudden and inexplicable character growth didn’t play.

    Structure needs a lot of tightening. Settings include Kandahar, Kabul, DC, and Vermont. Limitation is vital. Not only is this a production nightmare but it is limiting you creatively. In a we-write I would limit this thing to small knowable world. Just DC perhaps.

    Overall, a little too cliche and predictable. Just skimming the surface of who Onu and his daughter are…

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  12. wardparry says
    July 3, 2012, 9:38 pm
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    I struggled with this. That said – with the right play, this will get industry traction because of the commercial vibe. Transporter and Crank franchises have resuscitated this thing. So create some depth to the characters, and put this in the right hands – you’ll make bank.

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    berger says
    July 3, 2012, 11:59 am
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    I’m very proud of this script, and it was fun to write. Thank you to everyone for reading, voting, and commenting.

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    says
    June 25, 2012, 9:18 pm
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    I thought the 12 year girl entering a spy’s life was an interesting concept. James Bond bonding (pardon the pun) with his 12 year old daughter. The action was well described. The grammar and spelling was good. The twist at the end was surprising. I guess as a con all I can say was that some of it was hard to believe and the story did go from super cool spy to splapstic at times. All in all it was a good script.

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  15. ssabatino says
    May 23, 2012, 12:34 am

    HI, Alex,
    I’ve read half your script, and decided I needed to stop. I’ll tell you why in a minute.
    From the get-go, I am pulled into the action. Onu intrigues me, particularly because he is African American. Most spy movies have white guys as the lead. This is a refreshing change. Your story moves rapidly. The action paragraphs are efficiently worded. You have identified the conlict (Onu has a daughter) by page 10. Well done. I don’t doubt you have a super ending.
    I can tell that this screenplay has been revised several times. The story is tight.
    The problem I have is with your character development.
    Here are some page notes to give you feedback on what I perceived.

    Page 9, I find it out of character that Onu would get pick-pocketed by a 12 year old. Up until now, he’s sharp, competent, and observant. Do you want him to be a chump? Let him “figure it out” before the doorbell rings.

    Page 13: It is not credible to have these assassins flee into the bathroom of a cheap motel room. Those rooms are small. The exit door is just as near as the bathroom door. (Visualize your setting) Also, assassins wouldn’t bang on the door to be rescued by their attackers. (Is this a farce?) Have them exit to the exterior.
    By the way, I don’t see this cool spy as the cheap motel type. What’s he doing there? He should have a really cool pad.

    By page 24, I am seriously confused. He’s now claiming Susan as his daughter. Wow. That happened fast. Even if he does explain it in a sentence on page 26, it’s better to keep the tension building a while longer. It gives his character more depth to be a bit “put off” by her presence. The Onu who is reacting now is not the character I perceived in the first 10 pages. He was Joe Cool then. Is he Maxwell Smart now? (With the tug-o-war over the flash drive, I am getting that sense.)
    Why hasn’t he even asked the proverbial question, “Does your mother know where you are?”

    Page 26: Why does he chase a photographer? Do we need to see him run?

    Page 30: I really had to stop here. The character of Susan is too inconsistent for me to believe any of it. I spend a lot of my time with 12 year olds – a LOT of 12 year olds. No way would she remember all the information on the flash drive. Unless she’s a kid savant, she could never know so much in such a short space of time. (She could not have had much time to review the contents of the drive before she showed up at his motel. How did she get there, by the way?)

    I’m all for fiction – anything goes. I can have a leap of faith with the plot, but not so much with child characters. You have to be careful how much you stray from the typical kid. You have a lot more play with an adult character than you have with a kid, by virtue of the fact that the latter hasn’t fully matured. From what I am “guessing,” she was raised in a normal home.

    By page 34, the dialogue between Onu and Susan is unbelievable.
    Think about aging her to 16. I can see it. That would work much better for you on many levels.

    Page 36: He asks about homework. The audience has already been wondering how this child could be taken to the Middle East without anyone’s notice.

    By page 38, I no longer see Susan as a 7th grader. She speaks too maturely, and with seemingly vast knowledge. Her character has been swallowed up in the plot. Pull back and keep her young. You will find that Uno’s character will evolve as he has to “deal with” her. And we do, you know, have to “deal with ” adolecents; they can be quite annoying.

    I don’t see Susan as a sidekick, although you have put her in that role. If you want her as one, take a look at Tatum O’Neal in Paper Moon. She is precocious and down-right beyond her years. The rare glimpses we see of the “little girl” are gems in the plot. Susan vacillates back and forth between the little girl and the precocious pre-teen.

    That’s as far as I got. I won’t rate your script, since I haven’t read the whole thing. I do appreciate your talent.

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  16. rickemg says
    May 16, 2012, 1:04 pm
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    I enjoyed this story and specially the little girl, “Susan”. The story was well written and with only a few typos, it read quit well. Dunson is the perfect neophite which Vince Vahn or Patrick Warburton would fit great. Well done to you Alex.

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