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One Day Pilot

Connors is an ordinary Pentagon Worker with a pregnant girlfriend. One Day he explodes and sees the future, when he arrives back in the present he tries to figure out when he really is.

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  1. Profile photo of williamhproductions@gmail.com
    April 22, 2015, 9:54 pm

    Seems like an interesting premise f

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  2. September 2, 2014, 7:33 am

    Interesting. I would like to know what is more deeply behind all of this .

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  3. Profile photo of christopherandre25
    August 4, 2012, 10:00 am

    Thank You wardparry for the feedback I will work on the revisions. !!

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  4. wardparry says
    August 3, 2012, 9:53 pm
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    Are you going for the Source Code vibe here? If so the formatting to guide us through the changes in time-frame or realities needs to be really strong. Right now, you aren’t visually taking us through the shifts which is making it tough to follow. Sort out the formatting and slugs and you won’t need the characters to explain what we should be seeing. As it stands the dialogue is really clunky and expositional.

    The script could conceivably start during the pentagon wing three explosion, then cut back to Connors and Jenni. Starting off with such a dramatic moment might help you ground the current opening rather than having it drift in with the mysterious conversation between Michael and Connors.

    Action sequences are reading dense (novelistic), something I don’t personally have a problem with, though some prefer lots of “white space” – something to bear in mind. At the same time you need to clearly and economically articulate the scale of the action. I only realised the explosion at the Pentagon was that bad a few scenes later when characters were stating that it was the kind where there would be no survivors. If it’s happening on screen, we need to know about it, not find out about it in later scenes.

    You don’t need to go into such detail with peripheral characters FYI. And you really don’t need to describe a character’s eye color. Watch out for typos, particularly “your” and “you’re”, “their” and “there”, and “were” and “where”.

    The reporter interviewing the pentagon worker is a poorly conceived scene. The response from the pentagon worker is non-sensical. First he can’t remember what happened then says it was “10 times worse than 9.11.” It’s sloppy and has no dramatic impact to it, it’s indicative of some of the early scenes.

    In fact, your characters have a tendency for a lot of expositional chat – cut to the point. Get economical with your dialogue – nothing should be in the story that is not forwarding the narrative. Tarantino says that when he’s revisiting a scene, he cuts the first two things that are said and the last two things that are said. Try it out.

    Are Bob and Tim relevant in any way to the story?

    The scene with the nurse in the subway station is massively confusing. And would people go to a subway underground (in a confined space) if they were concerned that more explosions could go off?

    The flashback with Jesse and Connors? What’s the point? Why here and not at the beginning?

    There’s a whole section of the script where a series of events occur that you are throwing in all these elements that are not forwarding your story. There are also way too many walk-ons playing a part in the story, for example; NURSE, MAN IN SUIT, MAN, WOMAN, REPORTER, ACCOMPLICE, ACCOMPLICE 2, MAN IN HAZMAT SUIT, DIRTY HOMELESS MAN, POLICE MAN 1, POLICE MAN 2, POLICE RADIO, WHITE MAN, CAMERA GUY, RED CAR DRIVER. There’s nothing wrong with having this many peripheral speaking parts in a script – but when they appear in a space of 10 pages at a time when we should be learning more about your principals there’s a structural problem you need to address.

    The scene between Alex and Jenni just pops out of nowhere and is like many of your scenes – suddenly and inexplicably men in suits threatening previously un-introduced characters late on in the story.

    All this said, you have a really good sense of drama and the premise of duality is a strong one.

    However, you have to clean up your grammar and formatting before you give this to anyone to read. As I said, the confusion I felt reading this would be overcome somewhat by clear formatting and showing the reader the transitions. Best of luck with this. WP

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  5. Profile photo of sethm
    sethm says
    July 28, 2012, 5:28 pm
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    Seems like an interesting premise for a show. You do a nice job setting up the tension elements and expectation for what will eventually happen. But there are several fundamental issues with your plot development and this story needs work.
     
    Several grammatical / punctuation errors right away, proofreading will help.  Not ideal to see errors on the first page as readers can be thrown immediately.  Some of the dialogue is indented which is sloppy (may be the format conversion to this site – but should be fixed). Make sure your sluglines are also formatted correctly. I’d suggest getting your hands on a few pilot scripts from shows in the genre of this concept. It will help dramatically! Especially with the “procedural” elements. Try to break up some of your paragraphs of description into easily chunks. The characters need a little more description that extends beyond what we see. We want to be compelled right away somehow by them, and interested. Ideally, you should not have more than one character introduced in the same paragraph. Spend more time describing them individually, especially in a pilot spec.
     
    There is no emotional tone where there should be. Why do we care? Even the flashback doesn’t really “inform” your characters as it should. The “supernatural/experimental” elements are interesting. It would be nice to develop more of this in the pilot so readers understand. It is about your characters, and currently everyone feels flat, especially considering how extreme your situation is.
     
    In terms of structure, it seems your act breaks are not aligned as well as they could be.
    There are so many characters, several introduced late, that don’t feel connected to your “A” story. The Act Four break doesn’t work. Why end with a question like that? It needs to thrust into your last act with a sense of urgency.  It would be nice to know more about Project Oz earlier, with greater detail. That is the most interesting element. Good luck.

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    • Profile photo of christopherandre25
      July 29, 2012, 9:29 am

      Thanks Seth, I will keep this in mind as I start doing my rewrites, really appreciate the read

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