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Rating: 2.6/5 (2 votes cast)

Once Bitten

A woman who was dumped by her fiancé in front of his best friend, finds it hard to move on with her social life.

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  1. john1988d says
    April 22, 2012, 5:08 pm

    I noticed a great deal of repetition in the dialog. Also, in several instances, the characters are speaking to themselves, mainly to tell the reader what they are thinking or feeling. Try to come up with a visual that can convey this. Example, the pizza boy who gets the pizza and the tip, he appears to have a full monologue with himself in the hallway. His confusion could be stated by his reaction to this crazy customer that declined her pizza, paid for it, and gave him a tip. Hope this helps!

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  2. rickemg says
    April 4, 2012, 10:40 am
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    It was a good read, a little typical story structure. Even though I saw the ending coming on page twenty two, I still enjoyed the ending. Happy endings like that remind me of the 1940’s genre of romantic scripts. One word of advice is to read and re-read before submitting and correcting grammar. I thought that the dialogue was to lengthy in some areas and the script format needs some attention taken to it. Other than that, I think that your creativeness was shining through these pages. Continue.

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    king says
    March 15, 2012, 10:29 pm
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    SHOUTS. MAYBE: USE A ! AND DESCRIBE THAT THEY NEED TO SHOUT OVER THE NOISE. YOU SAVE TWO LINES.

    Anthony leans into George and answers.
    (shouts)
    Can take out.

    George sees that Karen is dancing with a strange man. This is perhaps more descriptive.
    Anthony looks at him, he’s a bit surprised by the comment.
    She says to you know I love you too?・But he didn稚 say that to her prior. To you know how much I love you?

    Use CUT TO: againt the right margin to separate your scenes.

    Lengthy desciptions about actions that actors can decide.
    Thanks for coming all the way from Palm Beach to chech up on your little sister.
    Sometimes you use abbreviations and other times you don’t. I would suggest to use them.
    I want that woman. You will, as long as… You will want her?
    Don’t worry about describing what she does with the book on the car. It’s clumbsy.
    She starts the engine and buckles in.

    Pg 20. You could have at least done it or You could at least do it..
    Karen: Yeah, I have noticed. I’ve often wondered what you spend more time with him than me.

    Karen says will you stop saying sorry but he only said it once before that, it makes her look foolish.

    She dries her tears and then checks her phone to see who it is before she answers.
    23. Sport Bar should be Sports bar.

    INT. fatuously means in a foolish manner. Are you trying to say that she is infatuated with him in which case you could use lustfully.

    Up to page 24. And not much has happened, the conversations are too long it needs to be compacted to get the story rolling a lot faster and thus can fit more in. It is sounding a bit like a re-telling of actual full conversations which will chew up your page count very quickly.

    Things like Richard is seated around his desk. He can’t physically sit around his desk, he is only one man so he is at his desk. Some of the wording like hold on for me・seems a bit unusual. One earlier was ….. I soon will. You might want to think about making that phrasing more simple.
    He cuts Gary off and calls Anthony. There is no time line here, the page count should mirror the actual running time so that detail should be more visual with what he actually did. Some of the wording could be cut back to accommodate for my descriptive elements for the characters.

    Phrasing like Anthony swithces is basically irrelevant as it’s Richard on the phone so the line goes dead doesn’t it?
    Independence and chubbiness up to 28.

    Act 2. Largely set in the phychologists chair with the same reoccuring problem of men looking at women.

    Starts off like the past never existed, it was three years ago but now it’s still her sole focus. If she’s hot surely she has men?

    3 years later.

    “He said he is sorry for all he had done.” very long phrasing. “He said he was sorry” or ” He’s trying to make up for it”

    Richard is a bit much, he seems romantically interested in his sister. End of page 30.” Too much things”should be too many things.

    Pg 35 He is seated on the couch his legs wide opened. His legs wide open. There are quice a few tense errors and also some strange phrasing like He said he is sorry for all he had done.・It’s only three years yet Karen is a Phycologist. I’m assuming she was studying online or while she was eating pizza. I’m hoping you will retrack to how she got where she is?

    Sometimes the characters state names at the start of a stentence eg. Jessica・Richard・ It’s not needed, it sounds like an intro, let the story fill in the gaps.

    I get to 44 and Anthony is married to Jessica, is that George’s sister. Now I’m going back to try and see. Just tell me, I am supposed to be a famous director I don’t have time to be searching for information. On page 54 I find out.
    Karen’s wire phone. I want one a telephone made from wire, that sounds cool.

    I heard of a lady that gives good advice? Sounds like a personal story? I heard of a good tattoo artist but it was a farce. You should see my back.

    64 As yet・At the moment.
    66 Tomorrow. No capital.
    67 When we’d just gotten married

    There is also a line break under Justin “Yeah・
    Yeah but you’re not being the person she once loved.

    78 no capital for pizza.
    85. Television. No capital just television or TV.
    86. The checkbook? Just perhaps clarify what year it is. I’m assuming this is in the past now that he pulled out a checkbook.
    87. Capital on Slept.

    101 ・I asked him to ask you to ask me to tell her・ Maybe just I told him to or I asked him to.・Karen needs to finish her line 斗oved me・

    Might want to use CUT TO: on the right hand margin between scenes to separate the scene locations.
    That week when Anthony had dumped me- the week Anthony dumped me. Keep you page count as low as possible, you’ll run out of pages real fast. I suggest write to 170 and cut to 115.
    I am on time am I not・ It’s hard to tell by the wording if it supposed to be a religious story or not. I suggest the characters don’t all use the same voice.

    Pg 81 Capital Pizza・again

    Gary is a little presumptious when he says says was afraid of falling in love with him when clearly he is making a fool of himself. She still wants the other guy. It’s only been 3 years right? Gary acts like her long lost lover it’s a bit scary at this stage and the brother also. Poor Karen.

    I don’t give my clients・Pg 46. I’m guessing at this point that he will want Karen again now that she’s beautiful. Karen is so popular everybody wants to offer her advice but she constantly battles on her own ?

    In the end she seems to give in to Gary for no other reason than desperation. He haunts her as apposed to woes her. There is a lot of self reflection both through the clients in the phycologists and through Gary’s daughter. What about some love in the air? She did state many times that she knew Gary was after her but was not interested. What changed?

    There are a lot of notes from that read. I can’t do a full re-write. Hope this helps in any way. All the best with your writing career.

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