Login Register
 
Email RSS Feed Twitter Facebook
Off Shore
User Rating:
VN:RO [1.9.17_1161]
Overall
Story Potential
Hook
Rating: 3.1/5 (15 votes cast)

Off Shore

Crackerjack financial golden boy, Ted Morrison, gets caught with his hand in the cookie jar by a sexy securities attorney.

16 Comments

Leave A Reply
  1. December 15, 2012, 1:18 am
    Overall
    Story Potential
    Hook

    Continuing your logline, “…and must” do what?

    Give back the money? Prove he’s changed his ways before she calls off their wedding?

    I want to see consequences for this guy, who’s probably gotten by on charm all his life and now finds it’s wearing thin…

    Potential very good for the characters. Everybody loves to see a jerk forced to change, or at the least forced to pay.

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  2. Avatar of nkarcher
    nkarcher says
    November 5, 2012, 6:27 pm
    Overall
    Story Potential
    Hook

    Good start, but needs development. It is a bit ho-hum at the moment, so spice it up with something new, creative, daring, stunning. Then you will be on your way to a good story! keep up the good work!

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  3. mikeyz says
    October 31, 2012, 10:20 am
    Overall
    Story Potential
    Hook

    So does the sexy attorney now resort to some form of financial, emotional, or better still – sexual blackmail to get what she wants out of this hotshot…? I’m wanting a second sentence for this logline but I like the premise so far.

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  4. Avatar of normanwilliam
    October 30, 2012, 2:36 am
    Overall
    Story Potential
    Hook

    Love it. It’s still missing the hook though.

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  5. Avatar of AleMancinema
    October 13, 2012, 7:03 am
    Overall
    Story Potential
    Hook

    It’s to vague, but has potential.

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  6. October 11, 2012, 4:04 pm
    Overall
    Story Potential
    Hook

    Sounds like the story of Bill Clinton… And us Americans love him!

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  7. September 27, 2012, 8:06 pm
    Overall
    Story Potential
    Hook

    It’s to vague, but has potential.

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  8. paul says
    September 3, 2012, 3:49 pm
    Overall
    Story Potential
    Hook

    Uhm, so what’s the story about?

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  9. gregorj says
    August 29, 2012, 4:49 pm
    Overall
    Story Potential
    Hook

    I like the concept.

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  10. Avatar of The-Student
    August 24, 2012, 8:32 pm
    Overall
    Story Potential
    Hook

    The logline needs work, but maybe this will help:

    “Crackerjack financial golden boy, Ted Morrison, gets caught with his hand in the cookie jar by a sexy securities attorney, who just found out she’s pregnant with his baby.”

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: +1 (from 1 vote)
  11. August 15, 2012, 11:19 am

    Starts off good, then i wonder, what thd fudge does the sexy attorney have to do with anything?? Hand caught in what?? What the fudge did he do?? What is going on here?? Just rewrite it as he did something, got caught and is he going to pay the price by the sexy lady or will she help cover it up and fuck his brains out!! LOL :-D Fix it up friend, more clear please! ;-)

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  12. Avatar of jusork
    jusork says
    August 14, 2012, 9:16 pm
    Overall
    Story Potential
    Hook

    And then what? You can’t rely on hinting and implications to tell your story. Say it straight out.

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  13. Avatar of tserlin
    tserlin says
    August 5, 2012, 11:51 am
    Overall
    Story Potential
    Hook

    New Thomas crown affair. Awesome!

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  14. Avatar of sethm
    sethm says
    August 4, 2012, 3:45 pm
    Overall
    Story Potential
    Hook

    I like it :)

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  15. Avatar of kristinanamericaland
    August 2, 2012, 11:53 am
    Overall
    Story Potential
    Hook

    Lose the idiosyncracies. I’m assuming this is cat and mouse stuff? If so, it’s not coming across that clearly.

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  16. rickemg says
    August 2, 2012, 8:49 am
    Overall
    Story Potential
    Hook

    The story concept is good and the potential can be very high. If there’s a script in the making or done, you should enter it.

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.