Nocturne
User Rating:
VN:RO [1.9.17_1161]
Overall
Concept
Story Structure
Character
Dialogue
Grammar
Budget (1-Low / 5-High)
Rating: 2.4/5 (2 votes cast)

Nocturne

A young symphony conductor falls in love with a blind concert pianist, who is married to an older man. When the conductor fires a disturbed musician, who vows revenge, the husband sees a way to use the musician’s threats to eliminate his rival, leading to a hair-raising finale in which a bomb is planted at a symphony concert.

3 Comments

Leave A Reply
  1. September 2, 2014, 7:38 am

    So touchy. But it makes me also a bit sad. I would prefer if the blind girl would be unmarried but she would be exceptional in another cheerful way. But it is so touchy. Good luck to you!

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    Report user
  2. Profile photo of Kurt-Mayes
    Kurt-Mayes says
    September 24, 2013, 2:12 am
    Overall
    Concept
    Story Structure
    Character
    Dialogue
    Grammar
    Budget (1-Low / 5-High)

    Hi Harvey,

    I’ve just completed reading your screenplay Nocturne. Here is a little feedback, and hopefully constructive criticism.

    Even though there isn’t too much originality with the overall story, I did like the story outline (albeit a very basic one) and the world of orchestral/classical music which you brought me into. It was evident in the writing and finer details of the script that this world is a passion of yours and you offer a knowledgeable voice in that regard.

    What I struggled with most however were the characters and dialogue. I didn’t find them relatable or very interesting. I also found it hard to sympathise with them or care for them. They are very simple characters without too much complexity, something I think a thriller story really needs, especially in its antagonist. The love triangle didn’t provide enough drama, and when it did I felt that it was a bit cliché.

    The grammar could be polished. These are minor things that will be picked up if you give it another read. For example on page 98 you repeat the same sentence twice in two different areas.

    The final act builds nicely and you do a good job at raising tension and suspense for your audience. The payoff however felt a bit dull, and the closing scene a bit weak. I think if you play around a little more with the characters, especially Jordan, this would help, as I didn’t really care if Jordan and Adrienne fell in love or not. There was a lack of chemistry between them, something that could be strengthened through dialogue.

    Overall, it was a little too simple for me, but the story offers a good framework for something that could potentially be great.

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    Report user
  3. Profile photo of peersterk
    peersterk says
    September 20, 2013, 11:26 am
    Overall
    Concept
    Story Structure
    Character
    Dialogue
    Grammar
    Budget (1-Low / 5-High)

    i;m sorry but i thought the story was a bit simple to me. maybe if the accidents were a bit more horror and the characters a bit more weird it would work better for me. the end scene is exiting but still has a lot of questions for me. why does someone let a whole theater explode to get back at his girlfriend.i think it stil needs some work.

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    Report user

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.