Nimrod
User Rating:
VN:RO [1.9.17_1161]
Overall
Concept
Story Structure
Character
Dialogue
Grammar
Budget (1-Low / 5-High)
Rating: 3.8/5 (4 votes cast)

Nimrod

A promising young military pilot gets caught up in a Government – Wall Street conspiracy and finds himself engaged with a mysterious alien, Lana, who enlists his help to save earth from a more ruthless species who are plundering the solar system.

10 Comments

Leave A Reply
  1. Profile photo of Dot1.618
    Dot1.618 says
    February 8, 2014, 6:00 am
    Overall
    Concept
    Story Structure
    Character
    Dialogue
    Grammar
    Budget (1-Low / 5-High)

    Nimrod is cinematic, imaginative and entertaining. The ride sweeps you along. An alien from outer space who doesn’t fly well is charmingly ironic. If made, this would be a four-quadrant movie, although the astronomical budget may be an obstacle!

    The structure is largely sound. What is missing is a confrontation between Will and General Knovak at the climax. Knovak ordered the murder of Will’s sister, put him on the dangerous journey and tortured him. Having Knovak smash into a mountain in a helicopter doesn’t satisfy the audience. Nor does seeing Will wipe out Troguns. Of course Will has to do this but, as we don’t know the Troguns and haven’t invested in them, it’s not enough. Will has to take out Knovak and spectacularly.

    I’d like to see a couple of set-ups paid off. As Lana doesn’t have six fingers, why does she wear gloves? What happens to her kid brother, Jimmy? Does he perish in the NASCORP blaze? If not, it would be nice to see him at the end with Lana and Will on the Harley.

    Joseph-Day makes comments I agree with. Using more active verbs would convey emotion and ‘tude. Rather than Lana putting the phone out the window, what about ‘chuck’? Quite a few dialogues, such as ‘It’s a secure facility, they won’t let us in’ could be cut because they say what has been conveyed perfectly well through visual means. Trimming some stage directions would also up the pace: ‘The General uses his keys and unlocks the case,’ for example, could be shortened to ‘The General unlocks the case.’

    There are some lovely moments with the bungling secret agents and I would definitely develop this, thereby providing comedic relief from the fast action. And what about adding more conflict when delivering exposition? At the board meeting, Knovak delivers a lot of information for the audience to take in. If this info could be delivered partially through aggressive questioning from the board members, the dramatic arc of the scene could be enhanced and the actors would have more to play.

    I’d also tidy up the grammar: all through ‘it’s’ is used when ‘its’ should be. There are also some typos, such as ‘for-arm’ rather than ‘forearm.’ Fixing these points would be easy and would smooth the read.

    It’s said you should be able to tell which character says which lines purely by hearing them. Several characters call Will ‘son.’ If only one did, say Knovak, this trope would impact more and be nicely ironic as he’s anything but fatherly.

    For me, what elevates Nimrod above being purely entertainment is its thought-provoking, zeitgeisty and disturbing theme: people ‘believe what they are comfortable with.’ I’d love to read the next draft.

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    Report user
    • February 9, 2014, 3:54 am

      Thanks Dorothy, I have been re-writing on this, and some things are addressed, the sixfingers and Lana, The Troguns are now set up at the start, only enough to show they’re destroying worlds, are greedy for sand and are very nasty. Working on character arcs. A confrontation between Knovak and Will, I’ll have a think on. Knovak’s greed is what causes his demise, but maybe that could involve Will if Knovak does a runner in a UFO he’s taken from area 51 carrying the load of gold, that does sound more promising and fun.
      ‘A four-quadrant movie’, thanks :) that’s such a cool comment to get. I think the potential is there if I can realize it. Thanks so much for the feedback.

      VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
      Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
      Report user
  2. Profile photo of craighorst
    craighorst says
    February 2, 2014, 11:15 pm
    Overall
    Concept
    Story Structure
    Character
    Dialogue
    Grammar
    Budget (1-Low / 5-High)

    I believe there may be a market for movies that cast doubt on the credibility of the U.S. government and military.
    The format of the script is very well executed. There is a good balance of action, description, and dialog. Locations are clearly established. I was able to follow the exposition of characters without trouble.
    A clear sense of urgency and momentum are established. Action scenes are riveting.

    On page 73 there seems to be some confusion (minor, does not detract from story) where we read:
    “EXT. MOTEL – Harley crackles into a motel. Later, Will and Lana look at the bike. ……………Will and Lana are walking back toward the motel carrying groceries.”

    On page 75 the script seems improbable as Sanderson and Prendergast arrive at the scene of the Trogun shoot out and then somehow spy the motorcycle fleeing in the distance across the desert.

    I love the constant attention to concise cinema graphic description such as (p.77), “The Harley … ticking as heated metal contracts”, and …. “the milky way bright and glittering.”

    On p. 78 there seems to be some disconnected writing where we read, “small light curves down….. GENERAL GEORGE KNOVAK “What the hell happened?….” ………..And then suddenly There is another Trogun wrecking a car, and soon we learn that Lana apparently left Will again and he is captured.

    Shortly after that I found the story difficult to follow as Will seems to pass through a series of hallucinations at the hands of the general.

    The final battle, although a challenging read, will be quite a cinema graphic accomplishment. I enjoyed seeing Lana and Will reunited around the recurring theme of the bike. A lot of good work, hope it pays off.

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    Report user
  3. rowanlad says
    December 20, 2013, 6:54 pm

    By the way, have you entered it in any competitions? You might be surprised.

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    Report user
  4. rowanlad says
    December 20, 2013, 5:50 pm
    Overall
    Concept
    Story Structure
    Character
    Dialogue
    Grammar
    Budget (1-Low / 5-High)

    Great stuff. Absolutely love the concept and the action is a lot of fun. I love great Sci Fi and this has a few really great ideas that would look awesome on the big screen.

    I gave 5 for concept because I love the plot. The story is fairly long but worth the read. What the aliens have actually come here for (won’t spoil) is such a fresh idea. This is something I would be interested in paying movie tickets for.

    Perhaps the characters could do with a bit more of a flesh out but the bones are in place and their roles are solid. I think Lana does well as the ‘out of place’ alien and taking this even further might be even more fun.

    Dialogue is fine but I agree with one of the other reviewers that it could use more ‘pop’. Hollywood loves wit one liners and with a little more work it would absolutely shine.

    Perhaps I am biased because I am a sucker for this kind of story, but I enjoyed the ride. I think you focus well one a number of crucial viewpoints who are watching this event unfold and how these people react is fairly believable. The build up is nice and not ridiculously brutal as what we are seeing more often these days and the atmosphere could be well used if directed properly.

    Overall a lot of fun. I will definitely be checking back.

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    Report user
  5. Joseph-Day says
    December 15, 2013, 7:20 pm
    Overall
    Concept
    Story Structure
    Character
    Dialogue
    Grammar
    Budget (1-Low / 5-High)

    Pretty much what I said before. The premise is promising. Sort of like The Bourne Identity meets E.T. However, I don’t feel that those elements have fully come together just yet. Keep rewriting, though. This film could be pretty good if there were characters that an audience could care about. It may seem like a lot of work, but what I do is write a mini-biography of my characters roughly 5 to 10 pages in length for each character. Write out their whole history from birth. Were they born into loving families? Did their parents divorce? Do they have siblings? What are their hobbies? What is the worst thing they have ever done? Stuff like that. It may not all fit into the story, but it helps you see your characters as living, breathing people.

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    Report user
  6. Joseph-Day says
    December 12, 2013, 1:08 pm

    I’ve made it to page 40 and will finish and rate the script soon. I just want to comment on a few things that I have noticed so far.
    The main problem I am having with the script is the character development. The characters are only superficially developed. I don’t expect deep character development in action scripts, but I would still try to add a quirk, flaw, or idiosyncrasy to help round out your characters. You also miss opportunities to characterize through specific active verbs. If someone enters a room, ask how he enters the room. Does he stagger in? Stumble?

    Your dialogue is usually natural and conversational, but I feel like you could put a bit more wit into a few of your characters to make the dialogue pop. Also dialogue can pack a better punch by just switching up the phrasing. Instead of the general saying, “It damn well better, the money it cost,” try, “For the money it cost, it damn well better.” It flows better in my opinion.

    Sometimes your characters say things that are a bit too obvious. Like when Ice-man is lighting everyone up with his sniper rifle a policeman says, “Damn it! We’re under fire!” He doesn’t need to say that because the audience is aware that that is happening. Instead of stating the obvious, he should either say something that moves the plot forward or reveals character. Since he’s not a main character, however, I’d suggest not having him speak at all.

    For more realism, I would suggest studying up on all the characters’ jobs in the script. You know what you’re talking about when it comes to pilots, but could possibly look further into FBI and paramedic procedures. There’s a scene where a character is shot up bleeding and when the paramedics arrive they whip out the defibrillators without stopping the bleeding first. Defibrillators would do nothing if the character has bled to death.

    Like I said, I’ll finish the script soon and give my full rating then. I hope this helps. If you’d like, I would really appreciate your opinion on my script “Genesis” which is in this contest.

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    Report user
    • December 13, 2013, 9:26 pm

      Thanks Joseph. I’ll look some stuff up, the more authentic everything is the better. Thanks for the other suggestions as well. I’d actually started reading Genesis, I’ll get back to it and give you some comment. :)

      VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
      Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
      Report user
  7. December 12, 2013, 3:18 am

    Hi, I know this screenplay is a bit long but it would be nice to get some comments on it, even if it was just on the first 10 or 30 pages, So if anyone has time to do that, that would be cool. Thanks Mark.

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    Report user

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.