Night at the Biscayne Motel More Images
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Rating: 3.9/5 (4 votes cast)

Night at the Biscayne Motel

The film follows a series of several characters’ stories intertwined during their stay in Miami Dade, Florida at the Biscayne Motel. The movie involves two old school convicts, two undercover police detectives, two prostitutes, three bank robbers, four drug dealers, three teenagers, a pimp, a Cuban immigrate and a hardcore FBI agent who all clash at this one motel on Biscayne Blvd.

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  1. Profile photo of raydavenport
    June 9, 2015, 9:17 pm

    Just wanted to say that my script NIGHT AT THE BISCAYNE MOTEL just won its 2nd nomination screenplay competition today at the DIGITALMATION AWARDS! YEAH BABY!

    I AM OFFICIALLY A SCREENWRITER!
    _______________________________________________________________________

    Dear Raymond Davenport,

    This is an automated email to notify you that Digitalmation Awards has updated the Judging Status of your submission.

    Night at the Biscayne Motel

    Accepted

    Project has been selected to be included in festival.
    __________________________________________________________________________
    I told you this script was OSCAR worthy!

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  2. Profile photo of raydavenport
    May 1, 2015, 8:42 am

    I always knew that this script would be an OSCAR winner, even though it won it’s first screenplay contest and just for that I am going to rate my work yet again.

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  3. Profile photo of raydavenport
    April 30, 2015, 9:49 pm

    Just wanted to say that my script NIGHT AT THE BISCAYNE MOTEL just won its 1st screenplay competition today at the L.A. NEO NOIR FILM AND SCRIPT FEST! YEAH BABY!

    I AM OFFICIALLY A SCREENWRITER!

    Out of 217 entrants so far, my script, NIGHT AT THE BISCAYNE MOTEL, will be one of 50 with a scene on the big screen at
    L.A. NEO NOIR FILM AND SCRIPT FEST, Saturday, August 8th, at Downtown Independent Theater. My script has also been nominated for a best screenplay award. Me and two guests are invited to attend this event for free!

    Lee O’Connor?, Santiago?, Rutger?, Roknsrf? you all want to come? you guys were a big help to better write my script, this is the least I can do for you!

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    • Profile photo of leeoconnor
      leeoconnor says
      May 1, 2015, 3:29 am

      Hi Ray,

      Congratulations. I’m grateful for the offer but unfortunately, due to filming I will have to past.

      Good luck with this all, and all the best.

      Lee

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      leeoconnor says
      May 1, 2015, 3:31 am

      Hi Ray,

      Congratulations. I’m grateful for the offer but unfortunately, due to filming I will have to pass.

      Good luck with this all, and all the best.

      Lee

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  4. roknsrf says
    March 20, 2015, 7:06 pm

    Hey Ray, read your screenplay… and we need to talk. This script has all the makings of the script you believe it is, but it needs work. The concept is brilliant, the story structure is good, the characters are perfect, but the dialogue simply does not measure up to the level it will need to be at to match the brilliance of the overall story. The wording is far too often inconsistent with the speech patterns and vernacular idiosyncrasies of the characters as you yourself have established for them. In addition, your action sequences and descriptions are altogether too wordy while still not adequately or accurately depicting the scenes as they should, nor do they measure up to industry standards for accepted screenwriting methodology. On top of that, the grammar, formatting, and proofreading errors render the script completely unpresentable. On an artistic level, the ending has to show how each and everyone one of the individuals die in order to maintain the consistency of the scene structure you have established throughout the rest of the script. I don’t know, but I suspect you abbreviated the ending because you didn’t want the script to run long, but if you correct the problems I have described above you will find that you’re going to have 15 or more pages to work with. Most importantly, one thing you must understand is that it’s not up to you to decide how your script reads i.e. spec or shooting script, or how it is formatted, it is up to the Screenwriter’s Guild. When you argue that their only “guidelines” and nothing more, or support your decision not to follow many of these guidelines by sighting other scripts which happen to deviate from the acceptable format for spec scripts, you’re completing missing the point. If you are not able to fund, produce, direct, and distribute your own finished films then you simply are not going to get anyone in the industry to even read your scripts let alone buy or make them. So, when Lee or I are telling you what is wrong with your script in these areas, we are stating facts, not our own opinions. Arguing or debating with us is a waste of time. Time you could be using making the necessary corrections to your work. Every syllable of Lee’s critique are the straight up facts, and as a guy who is always trying to buck the system take my word for it, the sooner you understand what we’re trying to tell you, the better off you’ll be. I suggest you start by taking Andrew’s advice and begin using Celtx. It’s easy to use, and you can get the simple version for free online at the Celtx website . It will format everything for you, and it has a simple drawdown menu you click on for whichever type of line your working on easy peasy lemon squeezy. It also let’s you save your script as a PDF file which is the industry preferred format to submit your work to contests, production companies, etc. Now as to the host of formatting problems, Lee just scratched the surface. The best source for getting your script format contest or option ready is Screenwriting.info It’s free, and comprehensive, use it for every fricking line of your script from title page to closing credits and you can’t go wrong. As for your grammar problems, find a friend who is a college level English major or has a degree in English and have them go over every fricking line. Lastly, you will have to go online and find a translator program and get Esmeralda’s dialogue written into the script. A judge or production company wants to see that you have the determination to do your own research and get your dialectic facts straight just the same as they want to see you can write in grammatically correct English or industry acceptable formatting. I hope this has helped, and if there’s anything else I can do for ya let me know. Best of luck.

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    • Profile photo of raydavenport
      March 20, 2015, 9:28 pm

      Okay, thanks so much for your feedback, I do appreciate it but the dialogue of the characters are who they are, the dialogue is misspelled because that particular person just simply talks like that, now when you talk of my grammar, unless you’re talking about my TENSES, I do understand and working on that, but as far as FORMATTING, what do you mean? give me an example from my script, point out where the formatting is all wrong!

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      • roknsrf says
        March 20, 2015, 11:24 pm

        Bro, your caught up in the idea that people don’t understand that your characters are speaking in some kind of regional vernacular. That’s not IT. Everybody understands what your trying to do. What we’re saying is, Your Doing It Wrong. Have you read my script? I employ the same form of dialectic dialogue. I’m talking about the inconsistencies with the way your characters are speaking as established by you. If you have characters speaking a certain way, or in a certain dialectic, they must remain in that dialectic throughout the whole script. Unless you create a reason for them not to be. The grammatical morpheme and lexeme idiosyncrasies must also be consistent with the known dialectic you’ve placed your characters in. You’re the one who decided how your characters speak and act, so you’re the one responsible for insuring they remain in character. Neither can you abandon sentence structure just because your character dialogue is in a vernacular dialectic. If your character says: “Hey, yo Pauley. What’s goin on?” or “Excuse me, Pauley. What may I ask is going on here?” the comma, period, and question mark still go in the same place. Do you understand? Unfortunately, your dialogue Does Not do this. As far as the formatting goes, let’s start with the first error, the title.The title should not be any other font or font size or bold or anything else. ALL CAPS, in the exact same font as the rest of the script. The fact is, there are hundreds of errors. Moreover, the only way I’m going to tell you what each and every one of them are, is if you give me co-writing credit. Now that’s not what either of us want, so just get on Screenwriter.info and go through your script, line for line, page for page, until you have everything correct according to the website’s advice. You can make it even that much better by rewriting it on Celtx, something I recommend as much as anything else. Trust me when I say it will be the best thing you ever did for your writing since when you first wrote it. In the end you will thank me. Certainly, there has been one of those times in your life when you tried and tried to do something and it just didn’t work out the way you wanted it to, so you went and got someone’s help and finally it turned out right. Well, this is one of those times. Though love brother. I remember the first time I sent my script in to a professional reviewer, he ripped me a new one. I stewed in my hatred for that fornicating sodomizer for months, but then finally, I gave in and did what he told me to do, and I have not failed to thoroughly investigate and make changes each and every time I have been given sound advice on my work from that moment on. Now look at me, my script is in the finals of this contest. A first for me. Now suck it up, and GETR DUN!

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        • Profile photo of raydavenport
          March 21, 2015, 12:06 am

          The title page? is that what this is all about? oh my God, I do that so my script can stand out in style. No one’s complained about that before but I know about that already, what I am talking about is in the script itself, what in the script itself is not formatted properly? I ask this question all the time and no one answers, even LEE O’CONNOR have not complained too much or he would have pointed it out to me. And what is the name of your script, I would like to read it and rate it, I will search for it by name. If you look below, I have followed those pointers he gave me about my script, I can tell it’s a good story and you all care about it or you would’ve kept on moving, so I know it’s a good story and I appreciate your time out to look it over. And no you don’t have to go through it line for line to help me figure it out, what about the formatting of the script itself?

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          • roknsrf says
            March 21, 2015, 2:49 am

            Again, it’s not all about the title page or really got anything to do with what’s wrong with the formatting. It’s about getting you to understand what you will have to do to get your work optioned and, hopefully one day, made into a film. Nothing more. But, if you insist on fighting the process of having your script torn down so you can build it back up better, a process that may take many rounds just like a prize fight, you will never get it to where it needs to be. Now for the third time, go to Screenwriter.info and follow it word for word, making every correction on every line of your script. I can’t do it for you. That website will not only give you all the answers you need, but it will also give you a perfect understanding of industry approved formatting. Dude, wax on wax off. Don’t fight Miyagi Daniel-san.

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          • Profile photo of leeoconnor
            leeoconnor says
            March 21, 2015, 4:33 am

            Hi Raymond,

            As I strategically said in my first comment “I read the first few pages and that was enough for me” thus meaning the formatting was wrong.
            Regardless of how good a story is, if the formatting is not correct no one will give it the time of day.
            I have given you some examples of where you have gone wrong but it is really a case of going away and doing the research yourself, look at other sites other than this, don’t read shooting scripts unless you intend to make it yourself.

            My advice is listen to the criticism and work on this, or make it yourself. A screenwriter is nothing in this industry, to be honest if you want to make it in this industry look at other aspects of it, look at producing, directing, editing or all of it, but you can’t just sit there waiting for something to happen because it won’t, especially with a script like this.

            Harsh criticism is the most positive in my opinion. But I’m not prepared to go through this stage by stage, line by line and rewrite this thing for you. Like mentioned, I have merely scraped the surface of what is wrong with this but I was hoping that was enough for you to go away and work on this some more.

            But all this being said I don’t think you are taking in what we are saying, you are only reading what you want to read.

            Good luck with this Raymond.

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        • Profile photo of raydavenport
          March 21, 2015, 8:56 pm

          How long have you been in this industry? by the way, you never gave me the title of your script. Try looking at the FIRST PAGE to my title: THE HOSTEL X and let me know if I did a better job with that one.

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          • Profile photo of leeoconnor
            leeoconnor says
            March 22, 2015, 5:35 am

            Just read the first few pages, still no change and still not properly formatted.

            Right I’m going to give you an example of how it should be written, this is your first paragraph –

            “There are many men walking around and talking in an open area, there is an older man wearing slacks and a colourful Floridian flowered shirt named PAULEY sitting on a bench reading a
            newspaper”

            And this is how it should be written –

            Men walk and talk in an open area, an older man PAULEY (age) wears a pair slacks and a floridian shirt, he sits on a bench and reads a newspaper.

            Like I said before characters need an age, so does your setting, so this open area really needs more describing, but I couldn’t be arsed to describe the scene here. I know the slug line indicates where we are but still needs some sort of description.

            Your slugs and insert cards are wrong and your script is just overall messy. I would change the title page like mentioned, if I saw that come across my desk I would sling it, stick to the same text that is in the script. Don’t try and be different with your fonts to get recognition, it doesn’t work, it just pisses people off.

            Seriously I would rewrite this, don’t hang on hopes and think that you have created a master piece because you haven’t, I know this is your baby and you think its perfect but for your sake just listen to the advice given.

            Hope this helps.

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        • Profile photo of raydavenport
          March 23, 2015, 9:58 pm

          Hey ROKNSRF, I wrote this screenplay and not sure as to what genre it falls under, me and a few other people believe I have created a whole new genre, could you take a look at it and tell me what you think? it’s not on this website, I may have to email it to you…

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          • roknsrf says
            March 23, 2015, 10:25 pm

            Send it to roknsrf@gmail.com.

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  5. Profile photo of leeoconnor
    leeoconnor says
    January 4, 2015, 5:18 am

    Hi Ray,

    I’m going to be cruel to be kind here.

    Your script is in need of work.

    I read the firs few pages and that was enough for me, and I’ll tell you why.

    Firstly, your name card.

    AGAINST BLACK, NAME CARD:
    “THE EX-CONS, PAULEY AND BOBBY”

    This is wrong. Just use “SUPER” then “the ex-cons, Pauley and bobby”

    “EXT. MIAMI-DADE COUNTY JAIL – ESTABLISHING – DAY TIME”

    This slug is not right, what’s with the establishing and day time? This is what it should be –

    EXT. MIAMI-DADE COUNTY JAIL – DAY

    You also have camera shots and direction, I would recommend getting rid of them, for example you have –

    “Moderate view of many men walking around and talking in an open area just outside the Miami-Dade County Corrections facility, view of an older man wearing slacks and a colorful Floridian
    flowered shirt named PAULEY sitting on a bench reading a newspaper”

    Not only is “moderate view” not needed it still doesn’t make sense.

    You then also go and tell us that we are outside the correction facility, this is also not needed as you have just told us in the slug.

    Your tenses are wrong and who have missing commas here and there.

    You have “an older man, How old? 50? 60? be specific.

    So your description should be

    MEN of all ages, walk around like caged animals, among them, PAULEY , age, in slacks and a Hawaiian shirt sits on a bench, reading a newspaper.

    Make your descriptions simple and exciting, This script needs to be cut down a lot.

    You may have read a load of scripts online, probably including Pulp fiction or whatever, but when they use camera directions and shots in their scripts is because they are shooting them, not to mention, these are called shooting scripts.

    Don’t add directions unless you are planning on shooting the script yourself, producers will only throw it to one side. And as it stands at the moment, they probably have looking at this script.

    This is not an oscar winning script by a long way, or in any condition to be produced. I urge you to work on this and make it into what it can be, it has potential, but as the way it is at the moment, after two pages I won’t look at it again.

    There is no point mentioning the fact that I haven’t read and understood the story because that is not how this industry goes, formatting and grammar is what comes first. There is no point investing time on a script that is not properly formatted, every producer, director, script consultant and production company I know will tell you that.

    I see that this is a baby of yours and you think highly of it, but like I said it needs a lot of work.

    It is not my intention to be an asshole, but I believe negative comments are positive ones, what won’t kill you will only make you stronger, goes the saying.

    I also noticed you have rated your work, IMO this is a no go, this indicates to me that you think this script is perfect and that you will not change or adapt your script if requested, thus making you impossible to work with.

    Ray, I have been down this road myself, please take on what I have mentioned, when I look back on scripts of mine that were not properly formatted etc, I cringed and couldn’t believe I sent it out for other people to read.

    Good luck with this, All the best.

    Lee O’Connor

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    • Profile photo of raydavenport
      January 4, 2015, 9:29 am

      Okay O’Connor, I will take all of your suggestions into consideration but I still don’t known what you mean by FORMATTING,

      Besides grammar do you mean spacing? my description lines are not good? my margining? my slug lines are not good enough?

      Judging by this comment of yours you are still reading the old script, I have redrafted it since your last comment about the first two pages, I think I got rid of all the camera angles;

      the older man meaning MATURE, he wouldn’t be sitting in an area with men acting like caged animals, plus when I say older could also mean seasoned or wiser, I don’t think giving the age and description of the character should be necessary I thought I would leave that up to the director;

      He’s wearing a FLORIDIAN flowered shirt because the story takes place in Florida and not Hawaii,

      I read other scripts online for points of references and not to copy how they format or write, the reason I didn’t use “SUPER” because I believe that only implies to what you read in my QUEEN BEE SQUADRON first page, when the words are on picture, the title card in this script is on a black background, there is no picture behind the words;

      And as far as dialogue is concerned, I dialogue the characters according to their background and upbringing and their walk of life, for example, Pauley and Bobby are Italian ex-convicts from the Bronx New York, while Shawntay and Brian are from the hood, they don’t speak perfect English with proper spelling, uneducated;

      But thanks anyway Lee, you are NOT being an asshole, you’re being honest. I’m not sure if everyone else on this site agrees but whatever you have to say about my work is appreciated because that is the reason a write, to entertain others! I want to entertain you Lee, so please, continue to be honest and I will try to do better, thanks!

      Ray,

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      • Profile photo of leeoconnor
        leeoconnor says
        January 4, 2015, 10:14 am

        Ages for characters are crucial otherwise we are playing the guessing game. Older man does not imply wiser or mature, plus, aren’t they in a correctional facility. A man could be 50 years old and be immature or have mental issues, thus meaning that they are not wise.
        You say you leave that for the Director but you are giving him nothing, he wants to visualise a character that is on the page.

        A super doesn’t necessarily mean it is pasted over a shot, it can be on a black screen also, this is up to the director. Or just simply write, insert title card. But super is the correct format.

        In regards to dialogue, I was implying that characters do not necessarily need to speak proper english.

        You say floridan shirt but that is also the same as Hawaiian, a floridan shirt is not as known to most as a Hawaiian shirt, plus you have given us nothing to indicate that he is florida.
        Perhaps let us know of the weather or something. How he reacts to the weather, is he tanned etc?

        All these things need to be included, not so much to the point where it is intrusive to the story just minor details to help us visualise the scene.

        Your descriptions need to be clear, simple and exciting that is all, and use proper tense.

        All the best with this.

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        • Profile photo of raydavenport
          January 4, 2015, 6:57 pm

          You are a script critic, my own personal Siskel and Ebert for screenplays Lee! LOL!

          In both of your reply regarding the ages of the characters you stayed around the 50-60 age limit, that tells me that when I say older man you have a good Idea of their ages;

          For those who don’t know, MIAMI-DADE COUNTY is in Florida, so is Biscayne Blvd (US-1), Biscayne Bay and FLORIDAN FLOWERED SHIRTS; my character is in Miami, Florida wearing a Floridian flowered shirt so that could only mean that the weather is sunny otherwise if it was raining he would be wearing a raincoat and wouldn’t be reading the paper, instead he would be holding a umbrella, if it was cold and cloudy he would be wearing a jacket;

          I never been to Hawaii so I don’t know what their flowered shirts look like;

          But I will do better with my descriptions and so forth, my apologies! I forgot that people in other countries could be reading this script and not know that there is only one place in the whole USA named Miami Dade County and that is in the state of Florida.

          If the Pauley character was not mature in this setting, he wouldn’t be sitting reading a paper, he would be jumping around and acting like a caged animal as well wearing no shirt at all or wearing a JUMP SUIT; it definitely wouldn’t be flowered; LOL!

          My characters Pauley and Bobby is based on the character of the same name in the HBO television series The Sopranos;

          But at this point in time it doesn’t matter because even if were to reformat the script I wouldn’t be able to resubmit to this site. But again, thanks so much for your feed back, it will be token into consideration, every little bit of suggestion counts;

          By the way, in my last reply I forgot to address, my title – Night at the Biscayne Motel under the right direction and right screenplay format draft, yes it is possible to be OSCAR potential, may I also say that this title is one out of many of my titles that has the potential to match or defeat PULP FICTION; with OSCAR nomination;

          Peace,

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            leeoconnor says
            January 5, 2015, 2:05 am

            again this is going back to being specific, when I comment I am doing so from other people’s points of view, so intact your first scene heading would be –

            EXT. MIAMI DADE COUNTY – FLORIDA – DAY

            Again your assuming, although the readers may be intelligent enough to understand where this is you still must be specific. Just adding Florida to the slug will indicate the kind of weather for the scene, but even then you need to describe the scene, Florida is known for there showers.

            Just because you wear a floridan shirt doesn’t mean it is sunny, some peoples fashion sense these days are terrible. Plus on a universal level it is known as a Hawaiian shirt, regardless of it being from Hawaii or not.

            Also one is not mature just from reading a newspaper, that’s not a world wide action to state that someone is mature, regardless on how the other inmates are acting.

            I think you can re-submit you will just have to rate scripts again.

            In regards to your comment about your script format, no one will take this on if the format from the word go isn’t great, even if it does have Oscar potential, you would need to raise your bar so high, I mean you are competing with the world best writers for screen here.
            You will need to write draft after draft God knows how many times until you are sick of it, then it will be ready.

            Don’t just subject your work to this site, branch out, get other feedback from people who are industry professionals. If you are serious about getting this optioned then look down other avenues.

            Don’t compare your work to others Ray, be the next Raymond Davenport not the next Tarantino.

            Cheers

            Lee

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            leeoconnor says
            January 5, 2015, 2:08 am

            Again this is going back to being specific, when I comment, I am doing so from other people’s points of view, so in fact your first scene heading should be –

            EXT. MIAMI DADE COUNTY – FLORIDA – DAY

            Again your assuming, although the readers may be intelligent enough to understand where this is , you still must be specific. Just adding Florida to the slug will indicate the kind of weather for the scene, but even then, you need to describe the scene, Florida is known for it’s showers.

            Just because you wear a floridan shirt doesn’t mean it is sunny, some peoples fashion sense these days are terrible. Plus on a universal level it is known as a Hawaiian shirt, regardless of it being from Hawaii or not.

            Also one is not mature just from reading a newspaper, that’s not a world wide action to state that someone is mature, regardless on how the other inmates are acting.

            I think you can re-submit you will just have to rate scripts again.

            In regards to your comment about your script format, no one will take this on if the format from the word go isn’t great, even if it does have Oscar potential, you would need to raise your bar so high, I mean you are competing with the world best writers for screen here.
            You will need to write draft after draft God knows how many times until you are sick of it, then it will be ready.

            Don’t just subject your work to this site, branch out, get other feedback from people who are industry professionals. If you are serious about getting this optioned then look down other avenues.

            Don’t compare your work to others Ray, be the next Raymond Davenport not the next Tarantino.

            Cheers

            Lee

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        • Profile photo of raydavenport
          January 5, 2015, 10:13 pm

          Like I said, it’s too late, submission for CONTEST 2 is over, I can’t resend the new draft, the old draft is in the contest.

          However I did resubmit the new draft but it is in CONTEST 3, now I have to pay another fee and get rated again, everybody who read it the first time will have to read it again, ad so forth!

          But take another look at it to see if I have improved, thanks Lee!

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    • Profile photo of raydavenport
      January 4, 2015, 9:35 am

      Oh well no wonder! I just pulled up my script on this site an the old script is still posted, I will have to ask the site administrators to help my change it but it may be too late.

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    • Profile photo of raydavenport
      March 21, 2015, 9:00 pm

      Hey Lee, it is good to hear from you again, I thought I corrected those issues already when you first warned me of them, did you ever take a second look at the script? I believe I corrected those errors you pointed out.

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    • Profile photo of raydavenport
      March 22, 2015, 10:46 am

      Lee, believe me when I tell you, I am not fighting you or ROKNSRF or the advice, I am trying so hard to work with you, so far it sounds like the only thing wrong here is how I word and described my description and action lines and where I put my slug lines and how they are written, oh okay I will work on that but just remember, I am writing a RAYMOND DAVENPORT script, not a LEE O’CONNOR script.

      Plus I try not to dwell on the setting description too much but what you advised do seem more logical, I will use your sentence template for my other scripts, it’s too late for BISCAYNE MOTEL because this website will not let my put a new script up unless I pay first so if you can, take a look at my 1 PAGE script titled: THE HOSTEL X, I wrote that script much later after BISCAYNE MOTEL, see if I have made any improvement since then, thanks!

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        leeoconnor says
        March 22, 2015, 11:22 am

        Raymond it’s not about being a Lee O’Connor script or whatever, formats and structure do not change from script to script, they are all the same. It’s the story itself which has the personal touch here.

        The fact that your slugs, tenses and descriptions are wrong and read awkwardly makes for an amateur script, which is why it has not been optioned.

        Clearly you cannot see what is wrong with your writing and do not want to change this, so I will not waste my breathe anymore and I certainly won’t look at your other projects due to your writing from this script.

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          March 22, 2015, 6:51 pm

          Mr. Lee O’Connor, do you or someone you know wants to option this script titled: NIGHT AT THE BISCAYNE MOTEL?

          If you do, and there is a promise to purchase, I will sign all the necessary documents stating me being credited as WRITER/ CREATOR and you credited as CO-WRITER and I will write that script anyway you want it!

          If you option it or get someone to option it, we can sit down together and go through the script line by line, scene by scene and redraft the whole entire script with you credited as CO-WRITER,

          So if you tell me – ” hey Ray, instead of the line saying – “There are many men walking around and talking in an open area, there is an older man wearing slacks and a colorful Floridian flowered shirt named PAULEY sitting on a bench reading a
          newspaper” – I want it to say – “Men walk and talk in an open area, an older man PAULEY (age) wears a pair slacks and a Floridian shirt, he sits on a bench and reads a newspaper. – change that!

          I am going to simply say “SIR YES SIR!” with a capital “S” like the Marines do it and change it the way you see fit. Even though I was really hoping for this script to be optioned and produced here in South Florida with South Florida talent and production crew, but fine if you think you can do a better job with it, just credit me as writer/ creator with compensation of course and I will rewrite the whole thing line for line as you see fit, No Problem Sir!

          After all, this is just a contest and I believe that is the basis of this contest to see who can write the best script with the best use of format. Thank you!

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            leeoconnor says
            March 23, 2015, 3:10 am

            Raymond you need to understand that universally all script are written in the same format.
            Clearly you are not understanding what I am saying.

            No I don’t wish to option your script nor do I want to be a co-writer, this story is not for me, not to mention it has been done before.

            I would recommend going away and doing some research and rewriting this. This is the best advice i can give you, and realistically the only option for you if you ever want a producer to pick this up, or make it yourself if you are that passionate about the script.

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    December 28, 2014, 10:48 pm
    Overall
    Concept
    Story Structure
    Character
    Dialogue
    Grammar
    Budget (1-Low / 5-High)

    I believe it stands up to Pulp Fiction, that’s why I wrote it, to match or supersede that Oscar award screenplay.

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      chenopis says
      December 29, 2014, 5:37 pm

      I don’t think you should comment on your own screenplay to try and affect the overall user rating scores for it.

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        December 30, 2014, 9:10 pm

        Sorry Chen, I couldn’t help it, I am so proud of this script, I read it over and over again, I believe it’s a damn good story!

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  7. December 19, 2014, 2:34 am
    Overall
    Concept
    Story Structure
    Character
    Dialogue
    Grammar
    Budget (1-Low / 5-High)

    You’ve got a setting with a lot of potential.

    The story moves quickly. It’s a fast read. It does sacrifice visual detail, however. I don’t get a picture of the place clearly in my head.

    Other people have griped about the format. It’s reasonably close to screenplay format, but bolded in weird places, and the parentheticals don’t work well in dialogue (how often they’re used is another question, and partly a matter of taste…). What software was used to put it together? A nice, simple, clean look a la Final Draft or Celtx is preferable.

    The story is at its best when there’s not obsessive camera movement. I’m a big fan of ‘master scene’ style, and I like it when a story implies choices rather than calls them out.

    The script is riddled with bullets–and typos.

    Characters, places, and even songs are introduced–and then introduced a second time (in once instance, with the B.B. King song, one of the introductions is slightly inaccurate). The action lines tell us some information, and then the dialogue tells us the same information, i.e. Hardcastle obviously announcing his name.

    I don’t have anybody to root for. I like the kids the best and their scenes somehow were the most memorable. They don’t fare any better than any of the other characters in the end (I’ll hold off on spoilers for those who haven’t read the script).

    Easy mechanical fixes to the script will do some good. Making me like the story will be more difficult as it’s not my kind of story. If you figure out a way to breathe life into the characters and make me see the grimy little details of the setting, maybe you can spin hot lead into pure gold.

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    • December 19, 2014, 2:45 am

      p.s. my estimation of the grammar was a bit harsh. I’ll try to contact an admin and get it changed.

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        December 20, 2014, 9:41 pm

        Thanks Mr Andrew, your input in well appreciated!

        The program I used to format my script is MICROSOFT WORD DOCUMENT,
        I will try to read through the script again to find the typos,

        But as far as the grammar of the dialogue is concerned, the character talk certain ways,
        meaning because of their background and who they are, they talk a certain way, not perfect English.

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        • January 3, 2015, 2:47 am

          I did contact contest admins; hopefully they’ll be able to update my grammar rating to three stars…

          That would apply to both the description passages and dialogue, if they’re able to update it. Please keep in mind I’m only one reviewer and it might strike others differently.

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            January 3, 2015, 9:10 am

            Mr. Andrew don’t worry about it, thanks for reading my script, that is good enough for me.

            I mean yes I do want to win the contest but the sole reason of being on this site is to connect and network with other writers trying to make it, it’s good to be here and I do appreciate your feed back regardless. Your comment and rating did nothing but motivated me to write more.

            But however if you want to make it up to me, try reading my other script titled:THE HOSTEL X and give me your feedback on that one because I was contacted by to individuals who say they might option it, my only worry that it may be damaging to my writing career in the future, you can rate it if you want but rate it on the GRAMMAR, DIALOGUE and DESCRIPTION PASSAGES. thanks!

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          leeoconnor says
          January 4, 2015, 5:21 am

          Not to burst in on this conversation, but with a characters dialogue it doesn’t have to be proper English, For example

          Because can be ’cause, etc.

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    leeoconnor says
    September 16, 2014, 11:36 am

    Hey Ray,

    I’m just in the middle of it actually. There are few things in this which grabbed my attention.
    The “continues and continued” at the start and end of page, they are not needed.

    I wouldn’t write camera views or we see etc. I’ve been told a million times before lose them, unless you intend to direct the movie yourself. You may have read other scripts from other films like Pulp fiction or inception etc having camera shots written in them, this is because they are filming it. Trust me it’s a big no no for a writer to put this in his/hers script.

    “Against Black” can be changed to Insert title card.

    Simplify the script a little, for example your first slug tells we are outside so there is no need to write it again.

    “Moderate view of many men walking around and talking in an open
    area just outside the Miami-Dade County Corrections facility,”

    simply change to –

    Hoards of MEN walk and talk in an open area.

    Lose the miami-dade country correction facility, your slug should tell us this. So what it should be is –

    EXT. MIAMI-DADE COUNTY JAIL CORRECTIONAL FACILITY – DAY TIME

    Hoards of MEN walk and talk in an open area.

    Just little things like that could be changed to make it a smoother read.

    However the characters and story are certainly there, so I won’t rate it yet as I haven’t completed it.

    Hope this helps.

    Lee

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      September 17, 2014, 11:00 am

      Thanks O’Connor I will keep that in mind but also keep in mind that the BISCAYNE MOTEL is the main character as I explained to ASANTIAGO1975.

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      September 29, 2014, 1:04 am

      I have updated and made some adjustments to the scripts titled; Night at the Biscayne Motel and Plagues of Sorority Row, you don’t have to rate it just let me know if the corrections are better, thanks!

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      January 3, 2015, 10:48 pm

      Hey O’Connor, Happy New Year to you and your family, did you get a chance to rate this screenplay – Night at the Biscayne Motel?

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  9. September 9, 2014, 11:02 pm
    Overall
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    Budget (1-Low / 5-High)

    You must double space after each scene dialogue and single space after every character dialogue. The story sounds somewhat okay, but I felt it had too many characters leading the overall story. There was too much going on with so many characters that it made it hard to focus and understand on what was really going on in your story. Your film started with Bobby and ended with Bobby, so I take it that he was the main role. However, this character got lost somewhere in the second act. My advice is to choose one character as your protagonist and maybe another as a supporting role and allow these two characters to lead the story without being disrupted by the other character’s introduction. You can let the main role encompass the other characters into one linear sequence until the story. I’m sure it can be done, as you only have 5 pages left to write to make it a legitimate 2hr film or 120 page screenplay.

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      September 10, 2014, 8:44 am

      Hello Mr. Santiago, thanks so much for reading my script and thanks again for your high ratings, I appreciate it. However the main character in the story is The Biscayne Motel, the place itself. I remember long time ago I had to make a chose between being homeless sleeping on the street or living in a place such as the Biscayne Motel for about three years, that’s what inspired the story. The reason I did not double space and single when I should’ve because first I use Microsoft Word to write my scripts and second the screenplay would be 150 pages long and not industry standards. I stopped the script at 115 pages because I don’t think scripting the big shoot out at the end wouldn’t be necessary or even possible, Thanks again!

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      • September 11, 2014, 10:42 am

        I was only following WGA guideline, but you tell a great story. It the Motel is your main character then I feel the name of the Motel should be spoken more often, since the story does not always take place inside the Motel. This may appear misleading and confusing to the audience or reader if they are attempting to follow a protagonist from the rest of the ensemble cast. Also, feel free to read or review any of my two screenplays on the second page of this contest.

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          September 11, 2014, 8:52 pm

          Thanks again Mr. Santiago, the WGA guidelines are just that “guidelines” not commandments. It’s too bad that screenplay contest that those too seriously when they should be grading the screenplays STORYLINE, DIALOGUE, CONCEPT and CHARACTER STRUCTURE and not SPACING.

          There are a lot of Academy Award Winning screenplays and produced scripts out there where spacing was not an issue. When I went to screenwriting class, we used them as educational tools, look at some of the OSCAR winning scripts and you will see that.

          I read the argument between you and LEEOCONNOR about his 9 page script. That’s why they are called guidelines, so your script can be close enough if not perfect!

          In my screenplay titled; Night of the Biscayne Motel in the introduction portion I introduced all the other characters first and the Motel last because the Biscayne Motel is nothing without them, when all the other characters checked in the motel (Act two) that is when the Biscayne Motel came to life in the story, they are what make the Biscayne Motel what it is and more memorable.

          A good example of this is prison, what makes the prison a terrible place? not the gates, bars, concrete walls and barb wire, not the warden and prison guards, it’s the bad prisons that makes it a bad place and memorable meaning you don’t want to go back there, I hope you understand.

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          • September 12, 2014, 1:39 am

            My comment on leeoconnors’ script was not an argument, as I rate all screenplays fairly. Some writers can not accept constructive criticism. I give all writers the benefit of the doubt without placing discrepancy onto any guidelines, because as a fellow writer i know how difficult it is to transcribe a full length screenplay from just a creative thought. I vote on the story and how it is written for the audience or production. Any suggestions made is according to my experience and education, as it does not discredit my opinion of what was written for a major motion picture adaptation. Also, I always start my voting process with all fives and work my way downward opposed to upward voting, because of the hard work, time and effort that a writer puts into his or her writing.

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          January 3, 2015, 10:50 pm

          Hey Mr. Santiago, Happy New Year to you and your family! anymore of your scripts on this site?

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      September 13, 2014, 12:44 pm

      Hello Mr. Santiago, check out my new script titled: SWIFT, did I improve my SPACING? I really hope so because that is as far I’m going to go, I already made the script longer by 5 pages because of the spacing.

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      September 29, 2014, 1:06 am

      I have updated and made some adjustments to the scripts titled; Night at the Biscayne Motel and Plagues of Sorority Row, you don’t have to rate it just let me know if the corrections are better, thanks!

      Plus I am still working on SWIFT script using your advice, even with all the corrections, the script became longer.

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    leeoconnor says
    September 6, 2014, 5:16 pm

    I haven’t read the script yet but the logline reminds me of four rooms.

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      September 7, 2014, 7:33 pm

      Hello Lee, The Four Rooms? I haven’t seen that movie yet but it sounds something like mines.

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        leeoconnor says
        September 8, 2014, 1:14 am

        Watch it, it is awesome. Each room in the hotel is a different story but with the bell boy involved in each of them. Massive cast, each room directed individually, including Tarantino. This could give you some good ideas, to whether you separate the stories or intertwine them.

        When I get minute I will read your work and rate it.

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      September 16, 2014, 10:55 am

      Hey Lee, did you get a chance to read over my script?

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