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Where’s the antagonist, the inner conflict?
Sounds interesting, but also kind’a like the junk you’d watch on the sci-fi channel.
The hook works, but it’s not very inspired outside of a conventional genre piece.
We don’t know who killed her team. Foreign agents or her own goverment. If they were foreign then why her goverment didn’t protect her and her teasm better?
As she was the lead scientist she should be responsible to have her findings hidden in a safe place not to be found.
Other than that it sounds like a James Bond action movie.
It’s a concept with good potential and I’d go and see it.
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Sounds intriguing. I can see it as a film
I’d see this movie!~
It’s different, that’s why I like it! good job!
I think that the story has a lot of potential, but the hook seems pretty weak. Yes, it is interesting that water could be transformed into a containable energy source. And, yes, the old “special forces/scientist” angle is a tried and true device. Alone, the ideas are not that special. Together, they are still not that special. BUT, if the special forces veteran is a dolphin or something, that would make the story unique. Another way to punch this up a little bit would be to include (in the logline) the major character flaw that keeps the story from going smoothly. I like the idea. But I’ve heard it before. The script may be AMAZINGLY unique, but that needs to come through in the logline.
Love the potential of this – maybe romatic element while action all around. This sparks a lot of ideas about where you might go with the story — and I’ll have my popcorn ready for this ride.
You don’t need to state that she’s a female scientist; that’s evident from “after her team…” Who is the most important character? Is it seen from the vet or the scientist? Personally, I’d prefer to see it told from her POV. Otherwise, this already begins to sound derivative.
I’d also refer to the secret as something like “a revolutionary compound that threatens to topple the corporate dominance of the energy sector.” Maybe “industry” instead of “sector.” Also, “unlocked a compound”? That sounds awkward. Maybe use “uncovered” or “discovered”? Or “unlocked the secret…”
I also advise you to use more colorful adjectives. Is the scientist beautiful, tough, shy, nerdy, tough, brilliant (well, I guess that’s obvious), recalcitrant, altruistic…? Pick one, and plug it in.
Here’s my suggestion:
A special forces vet protects the life of a naive scientist who has unlocked the secret of a compound that threatens to topple the corporate dominance of the energy sector.
“If she dies, the discovery dies with her” should be saved for the tagline.
Oh, right, I forgot to make the point about seeing it through her eyes. If it is her POV, I’d suggest something like this:
A naive scientist who has unlocked the secret of a compound that threatens to topple the corporate dominance of the energy sector bristles under the watchful eye of the spceial forces vet assigned to protect her life.
Thanks! Great comments! If this script is ever written, I’d love your feedback — actually will be posting one on this site called SHADES. The logline is problematic – but the script is a tough one to describe in a logline.
I’m hooked! Sounds like it could be the type of movie that would have you on the edge of your seat. I’m curious to know how the team died. That’s what pulls me in.
Not sure – any suggestions? I figure it will be something similar to CHAIN REACTION. On the brink of their discovery — evil hitmen wipe them out – expecting to get the genetic code – or breakdown for the compound. But – it’s all it the survivor’s head.
got to push it… water… romance… action… thriller!
Sounds like a fast pacy film with romantic potential in there too. I like the idea regarding the water, a well-used plot device that works most times.
Adding an antagonist or location as premise would be advised instead of simply saying that her team is murdered; It leads me to ask, who and why she must be protected; your logline also lacks proper phrasing structure and ends with an incomplete statement that appears irrelevant when reading, as a whole…
What is proper phrasing structure? The logline is intended to sell the idea quickly and get the reader to bite. If a location as premis isn’t in there, it would indicate they are on the run (hence the references to action thrillers mentioned). Leaving the antagonist out keeps it short, vague enough to warrent interest in who that might be.
Lot’s of potential, but I beg you to stay away from typical hollywood format in these types of films. Keep it real lol. Anyway, this is good. Worth watching if done with a normal director and cast.