Mind Games
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Rating: 3.5/5 (7 votes cast)

Mind Games

A man with military training in psychological torture seeks revenge on the serial killer who abducted his sixteen year old sister.

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  1. September 8, 2014, 3:49 pm
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    I like it, it just reminds me of the movie “Taken” or something.

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  2. Profile photo of Olich
    Olich says
    February 5, 2014, 8:43 am
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    A little bit boring, but idea is fresh. +like)

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  3. rhino4239 says
    July 2, 2013, 2:33 pm
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    I really enjoyed this script. I was able to read through it very quickly, due to it constantly keeping my attention, and that your dialogue was REALLY good.

    Did I mention that your dialogue was REALLY GOOD? The below dialogue (even though this doesn’t do you justice on how well your dialogue was) was my personal favorite, and I laughed out loud. Even if it was short and sweet. It fit perfectly.

    Page 96

    Donnie – Hey, Bri, you got any plates?

    Brian – Fuck you.

    LOL – I could totally imagine that scene!

    Grammar was pretty good as well. There were only a few minor mistakes. But one thing I noticed is that there are no (cont’d) after your character’s name, when a character is continuing to speak, after you include some action inbetween. I’m no expert by any means, but the classes I’ve taken have instructed me to do this, as well as my own software I use automatically includes this.

    Characters were good; especially the sisters. I thought you wrote very well during their scenes, with your dialogue being very, very good. You captured both ends of the teenage girl spectrum with those two. You knew they couldn’t stand each other, and you knew they’d die for each other.

    One thing I noticed was that it seemed they found the cabin way too easily. I LOVE reading scripts, because I think it helps me. So please do not take offense. I just think there could have been a little more here. And also, with Becca showing back up at the cabin, I would probably add more terror there and just delete her appearance. But this is ONLY a suggestion. I would just rather see more mind game action between Donnie and Brian. You could really come up with some sick and twisted ideas that could be frightening, or maybe even give a little humor.

    Your first act seemed almost flawless, and your ending had a nice twist, in my opinion. I just think the middle needed a little more bones to it. And please forgive me for not coming up with any suggestions at the moment.

    In any event, I really liked your script. I very good read. Awesome job!

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    • LaurelP says
      July 2, 2013, 6:35 pm

      Thank you!!! For the compliments as well as the criticism! I greatly appreciate the input!!! Everyone seems to feel the same about the same scenes (which luckily are the ones I wasn’t too happy with! 😉 ) I’m working on a rewrite and will incorporate more where suggested – as well as less. Hope to resubmit this year and hope to hear about that version as well in comparison! I didn’t even notice the (cont.) was missing, I’ll check the setting son my software (switched to a new operating system – messed up a lot of things…)

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  4. Profile photo of EugeneMcCrann
    July 1, 2013, 5:22 pm
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    The concept, imo, is equal parts unique and bewildering. I see some elements of OldBoy, with the incest reveal and the sadistic foundation. Other moments reminded me of Hard Candy, with the killer having his role shifted from predator to victim. In all, though, I couldn’t peg the tonality of the script. The easy going, comic flow of the dialogue and the one-liners between characters jarred with what felt like very harrowing material, from the graphic nature of the rape scenes to the parental abuse angle. Static tones aren’t necessary imo, and I feel that the oscillating comedy/horror made the slanted world view even more edgy, but I’m not sure if this is what’s supposed to be conveyed.

    I felt that once they arrived at the cabin, the lack of parallel action may hurt. I’m not sure what each successive mind game is supposed to add towards the end product. The first act, which is basically light and fun, definitely works well as a foil to the cabin scenes, but each repeated escape and capture doesn’t necessarily feel integral to me. Also, there seems to be a lack of details when it comes to Brian’s discovery. I know we can chalk it up to Donnie and Mike’s super military training/connections, but some procedural activity may help with the suspense.

    The characters are good imo. The two sisters work well off each other. Donnie is a strong character. Perhaps Brian is too one-dimensionally evil, unless his incarnation of bad is supposed to be a little satirical. What is Becca’s function when she arrives at the cabin? I know she is a mirror of Donnie, but she doesn’t really ever apply herself. She never gets Mike and Donnie out of a jam. When Brian captures her, he immediately allows her to escape. I guess I feel she could have more significance at the cabin if she’s going to be there. Otherwise, we already know she’s of Donnie’s ethos.

    The dialogue popped imo. It’s probably me favorite part of the screenplay. Good back and forth, etc. Grammar didn’t stick out to me, so I’m assuming it’s not an issue.

    A couple tweaks that are really just in the peripheries: a man of Donnie’s athletic and physical prowess would bench more than 205, unless that lower number is supposed to be insincere. Also, perhaps Donnie should explain at some point why a man of his military stature didn’t follow the ranks towards General, or as a government department head, etc. What made him go into construction?

    Per usual, the disclaimer where I state that this is all just my humble opinion; for your consideration; etc. applies here. I did like the read though. It went very quick.

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    • LaurelP says
      July 1, 2013, 5:38 pm

      Thank you! As I was writing I was thinking it needed more of…something. But being too close to it I couldn’t step back and see what it was. This was VERY helpful!

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  5. Profile photo of EugeneMcCrann
    July 1, 2013, 2:36 pm

    good

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  6. June 30, 2013, 10:31 pm
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    I really liked the idea.

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  7. June 14, 2013, 12:07 am
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    I really enjoyed this script. I do, however, have a few ideas that you might want to think about. Now these are just my opinions/thoughts that I hope will benefit you. But like I said I enjoyed this script very very much.

    First: I really like the character of Donnie, But I do feel he is a little bland — maybe adding more of a back story to him. And since he was trained in psychological warfare — I feel his mind games were a tab bit too weak, although some were great, I just feel they should have been more “Scary” I guess. Hopefully you know what I’m trying to say. Secondly: I feel they found Brian too fast, I’d make it more suspenseful. Thirdly: I really don’t think Becca would have gone back to the cabin, and get caught like she did. I found that to be ridiculous. And Fourthly: Everybody loves a good twist ending — But I found the twist, when you find out that they’re brothers, unnecessary and not very believable neither.

    Well, those are my thoughts, and I hope they help. Very good script, though. And I wish you good luck in the contest.

    Vatican

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    • LaurelP says
      June 14, 2013, 4:26 pm

      Your comments were very helpful and thank you very much!!!! I appreciate it!!!

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