Memorial Day Reset
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Rating: 2.3/5 (2 votes cast)

Memorial Day Reset

Motorcycle-mounted reporter, Ben Teller, pursues a bitter veteran who’s about to launch a devastating nationwide attack on U.S. retailers as retribution for the commercialization of Memorial Day.

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    Dthompso1 says
    July 14, 2013, 12:16 am
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    In conjunction with my comment…

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    Dthompso1 says
    July 14, 2013, 12:13 am

    What I liked about this script was the Indiana-Jones-feeling third act and the fact that it had a twist. It picked up in the action and caught more of my attention. While I thought it was a somewhat novel concept, I really struggled to get into it. I felt like the stakes really needed to be raised in the first half. The build-up was really slow and I didn’t get sold on the characters right away. I wanted there to be more havoc at the sales sites, more drama. More mystery to fit with the crusading adventurer third act. The story kind of moved moderately from one to the next. It felt like the dialogue was not engaging or genuine enough and while I understood that Ben and his lady loved each other and were off on a vacation, I didn’t really follow the trip itinerary and how they were moving (both geographically and in relation to the plot) through the story. It seemed like there were a lot of kisses to demonstrate their love, but then suddenly they were off on separate ventures, and I didn’t feel like it worked for the story. I do think that most of these things could be fixed with a couple of thoughtful revisions. Thanks for sharing your work and good luck!

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  3. May 21, 2013, 10:09 pm
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    This review is based on the first thirty pages (Act 1). If I critique something that is fixed later in the script, then I apologise.

    This is an interesting idea clearly born out of a love for America’s service men and women. The desire to juxtapose the original meaning of Memorial Day (commemorating the sacrifices of veterans) with the crass consumerism of modern society seems like rich fodder and worth exploring.

    As it stands though, the script feels very uneven.

    For example: We are introduced to Ben and Keera as Ben zooms and swerves his way to Arlington cemetery. The motorcycle motion seems to point to high tension – then the action crashes to a complete halt for a moment of serious introspection at Ben’s dad’s grave – which is completely usurped by his phone call to his mother that includes witty banter and classic mother-to-girlfriend conversation (almost rom-com style). Suddenly we’re photographing a grieving family and then zoom, we’re back on the motorbike. It was so unclear what the emotion of the scene was supposed to be – it felt like four parts of four different scenes all lumped into one.

    I felt that the sudden consumer riots over being promised one dollar goods were just a little too much. Ordinary consumers don’t jump from bargain hunters to rioters over an email. Perhaps if the email promised a “first come first served, bargains are limited” type thing, turning it into a door-buster sale, that might work better.

    I know Ben is a nice guy and that’s not bad for a character, but don’t let his equilibrium disarm your tension. He seems so at ease with what’s happening that I hardly care in the first thirty pages. In fact everyone is so nice – except for Adam’s dad, but he seemed like a criminal instead. Who honestly believes a store is selling a huge barbecue for a dollar – especially when staff are there saying it’s not the case.

    the victims are impersonal – shops and shopping chains. It would be good to personalise DeadVet’s campaign in some way – injured staff or customers.

    I guess that DeadVet is going to turn out to be someone who knows Ben personally or has a grudge against him – the fact that Ben goes from posting an online news story to being directed to the accident site minutes later makes it too implausible that DeadVet didn’t already know and want to target Ben.

    There’s also quite a few typos – spelling, conjugation mistakes etc. I won’t go over them, that’s the kind of thing you can pick up in the next draft.

    Keep going with this – there’s a good idea here.

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