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Rating: 3.8/5 (10 votes cast)

Master Guardian

When a mentally-disabled man meets an identical twin he never knew he had he begins an investigation into his true identity that leads him to discover shocking secrets about where he came from. (Revision Submitted: June 25, 2012)


Master Guardian PItch – Scott Perloff from Zach Pizza on Vimeo.

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  1. April 9, 2013, 9:07 pm
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    I thought it was good.

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  2. March 18, 2013, 12:17 pm
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    I enjoyed this. As the story progressed, it got better and better.

    Ron

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    rkwok says
    January 24, 2013, 6:33 pm
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    I thought the writing was terrific and the pacing and the dialogue were really tight. The idea behind the story of the twins is also a clever one. The action scenes really sparkled. The twists were good: loved the switching of identities at the White HOuse and loved the doodling on Eva’s pad.

    I was a bit concerned about a couple of things:
    First, the motivation behind Dutch was never really clear to me. How was he hurt by the experiment in such a way that he had to kill everyone involved? He seemed to be OK to me. He was sound enough to have a relationship with Eva. What ticked him off?
    Second, I could understand the co incidence of the brothers meeting. But how did Eva find Mooney? It was such a long winded way for her to get to Dutch through Mooney. And of course it was purely co incidental that the brothers came in contact in the first place.
    The kidnapping of the President in the helicopter: I don’t know. I think if that were to really happen, they would track them down in one minute. There would not have been time for the finale to play out. After all, we are talking about the most protected person on earth.
    The scientist, when he rescued Mooney, took time to basically torture the torturers. Didn’t think he would do that because time was of the essennce. He had to get Mooney out of there.
    I thought the sacrifice of the “father” by electrocution was a bit strange: after all, he knew the whole program so even if Mooney were arrested by the cops he could explain the whole thing. ie that he was not Dutch.

    It was a pleasure to read good writing.

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    says
    January 22, 2013, 4:40 pm
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    Here’s my vote.

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  5. wardparry says
    January 18, 2013, 8:48 pm

    You’re a talented writer, Scott. This was not my bag as far as taste – but geez, you can write. Great pacing, crackling dialogue, rapid description. It’s always a pleasure to read your work. One criticism, I felt your characters were a little transient. They felt plot heavy rather than richly explored. Good luck in the comp. Win or lose, you have a future in this game.
    WP

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    • wardparry says
      January 18, 2013, 8:50 pm

      ****Disclaimer*** I was asked by the administrators to review for the final, hence the double entry. WP

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      perloff says
      January 23, 2013, 5:19 pm

      Thanks, man. I really appreciate that.

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    jusork says
    July 12, 2012, 10:19 am
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    Went in a different direction than I was hoping but overall good. It’s a smart story that I haven’t seen before. And had great pacing and structuring. Reading it actually made me think even deeper about my own scripts that I’m working on. I just had a few small issues. First, a few confused sentences and some slight descriptions of what a character is supposed to be seeing that probably wouldn’t be clear in the film.

    Also, you do a lot of underlining. I’ve never really seen that in scripts, but I can see that in dialogue it’s meant to be stating something with extra passion. You use it in a lot of different ways though, under names and items. And you use it to highlight an action. How does a highlighted action translate to the screen? We’re supposed to focus on it on the screen but extra emphasis can’t really be shown. It seems to be solely for script reading, but I don’t think it’s even necessary.

    Sometimes it seems like Mooney and Eva’s quest for answers is based mostly on hunches that happen to be right. I guess that’s not a major issue though, it just egged me a little. When they go to Emitsburg, I was thinking I wasn’t sure how likely they thought they were to find anything, or even what they think they’d find. Should they feel that they are going on blind faith, or are we supposed to feel that they really believe that this guy will still have his files to go through.

    Distinguish Mooney and Dutch. It’s clear in the script because you say it, but on screen will probably have to be clearer. The best way I’d think would be through the distinctions in their life. Show Dutch doing something that we know will require a certain thing and then show the same act by Mooney but done without that one distinct thing that Dutch would’ve had to do it. The easiest thing would be showing where Dutch lives so we can distinguish based on that. Either way you don’t want the audience to think the man who killed a guy goes home and is actually a wanna-be crime fighter.

    At times, Mooney seems to speak and think clearer than maybe he should. His social knowledge usually seems pretty sharp later in the script. Should he not have trouble talking with people? I imagine it’d be pretty tough because you want us viewing from his perspective so he needs to understand and know how to quickly take action when needed. But still in the script, I don’t get the idea that he has that much trouble, so what will give us the idea that he’s not especially bright in the film. I think if you gave his dialogue some starts and stops. it would also help develop his unsociable, loner nature.

    You should say Jasimine’s age so we don’t think she could be a younger woman. I thought she was until they thought she was his mother.

    Is he becoming more desperate in the middle, or is his character changing? He becomes more fierce and mean. I know he has become very passionate about finding out who he is, but it seems extreme for him without establishing much basis. I wonder if Mooney should start off with a kind of righteous innocence that turns more hard-edged. If that was what you were going for I think the development could be more detailed. Anyway the sense of justice and crime fighter routine definitely got off track. The idea that he wanted to fight crime seemed like a strong hook and was unique, but ended up being left aside until the end. He becomes a major source of choas until then. And then when Dutch goes crazy at the White House, it actually seemed like it could’ve been Mooney. Try detailing his mindset during his desperation more perhaps.

    On page 58, the doctor seems to be in the elevator with them but we don’t see how or when he gets in there with them, only that he sees them enter and then right after that he’s in there with them.

    Looking back, I didn’t see an indication that Eva was looking for her husband. Even if she was just hopefully waiting for him, I think she could’ve shown more thoughts about him, to show what she had on her mind, while not outright saying who it was. Even though, yes, it would’ve messed up the awkward romance. It’s especially discerning that she spends most of the script helping Mooney, often relentlessly and passionately, even breaking the law. Yet is helping Mooney supposed to help her find her husband? It kind of derails the sense of her real focus, especially whenever she suddenly becomes nostalgic for Dutch after desperately helping Mooney. Does she think she has to keep Mooney alive if she wants to see her husband?

    I was confused about what Dutch was trying to accomplish at the end and didn’t like that you answered it after it was all over. I think you could have him talk more about his goal. Show more of a conflict between doing the right thing between him and his brother earlier. It’s really a potentially great tragic storyline for Dutch, because in the beginning we sympathize with him. He’s got a sense of justice, or so it seems. You could continue that to the end. Instead of being a crazed madman, he could still be a vigilante with a sense of justice that is simply confused by his passion for getting that justice after all these years.

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  7. wardparry says
    July 2, 2012, 9:32 pm
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    Silky. This writer has chops. Dialogue just motors the story along. Not sure why comments such as “parts of it were unbelievable” make it onto a critique of a screenplay? If it’s real life you want – read a documentary. This is quirky and violent – I’d go as far to say there’s a little bit of Fargo in this. The twin thing is always a tricky one structurally to pull off but here it doesn’t matter. The concept, characters and dialogue make this a diamond read. Good stuff.

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  8. admin says
    June 13, 2012, 3:17 am
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    Review from donahue.silvis

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    • admin says
      June 13, 2012, 4:59 pm

      donahue.silvis:

      Overall I liked the story. However, parts of it were unbelievable and a stretch.

      For the most part the dialogue was good. Didn’t care for, or believe, the tree bit.

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  9. Profile photo of davemann812
    May 26, 2012, 3:25 am
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    What I liked: Very nice read and easy to follow. I liked & cared about the characters. Script well written and as a new writer, actually learned somethings from the technical aspects of writing from reading this script. I definitly recommend to anyone wanting to learn more about writing screenplays to read this one.

    What I didn’t like: Not much actually since this story was put together so well. But I felt some elements of the story that moved it forward could have been written to have been a little more believable. And to me as a sci-fi guy is what is important to a sci-fi movie.

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  10. rickemg says
    May 17, 2012, 9:52 am
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    Mooney is a great guy, I think that I went to school with him in the 2nd grade. Loved him and his intentions. I got a good feel for his lot in life and whats really important to him. Scott, you wrote a new twist to an old story structure.

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      perloff says
      May 17, 2012, 5:28 pm

      Thanks so much for reading, Rick. I think I went to school with Mooney in the 1st grade…

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    perloff says
    May 8, 2012, 5:08 am
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    This script was GREAT but the writer should learn how to spell every word in his logline correctly … It’s not “disover .” It’s “discover.”

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