LIFECredit
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Rating: 3.8/5 (7 votes cast)

LIFECredit

In a New World Order under alien influence, an IT specialist tries to stop RFID chips from being put in everyone before it is too late.

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  1. January 18, 2014, 5:55 am
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    LifeCredit offers an interesting premise but unfortunately the quality of the writing has meant this script reads like an early first draft. It needs a lot of polishing.

    The dialogue is so expository that it reads like a radio play – the screenwriter is telling the audience what they could (should) be just seeing on screen – e.g. pages 15-18. Dialogue is also way too long throughout the script. People just don’t talk like this – e.g. pages 30-34. There’s a whole page of dialogue on p113! In addition there are too many passages with people just reading an article or text on screen. This is lazy exposition and would not interesting to watch (or read).

    Action descriptions are too long with unnecessary detail that slows down the pace and disguises the real story of what the audience really needs to pay attention to. It is also lazy writing in some places – e.g. page 34 it says he “talks for several minutes”. Really? Are you really expecting an actor to ad lib on screen for several minutes whilst the audience waits for the movie to move on?

    As other reviewers have mentioned, it takes a long time to get into the story. There is no inciting incident early on to get us hooked into your hero’s objective through the movie. Indeed, halfway through I still didn’t really know what the hero’s motivation is or goal that he wanted to achieve by the end.

    There are basic screenplay formatting errors throughout – e.g. jumping from outside to inside buildings without a new scene heading and mysterious line breaks in the middle of dialogue. There are also too many camera directions – CLOSE ON, ANGLE ON, PULL OUT, POV… This is the Director’s job, not the writer’s.

    Holographic guns & phones, floating video cameras, floating screens, holographic faces – all in just 11 years time? Seriously?

    Unfortunately, despite the interesting premise of the story, I just couldn’t get into it or the characters as a reader because the quality of the writing was poor. However, I would encourage the screenwriter to (a) start using Final Draft to eliminate basic formatting errors, (b) strip the story down to the hero’s journey and rebuild the flow so it focuses only on what he wants to achieve, and (c) rewrite all the dialogue so the exposition happens on-screen not through what the characters say.

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    konada29 says
    August 9, 2013, 4:53 pm
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    Great work, definitely needs to be a high budget movie! We are moving towards this type of world.

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  3. hingylingy says
    July 21, 2013, 3:56 pm
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    This is a fantastic display of an Orwellian, dystopian society.
    There are many real elements interwoven in this story. Once could say it is based on real events.
    Chilling to say the least.

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    Waterwolf says
    July 12, 2013, 6:27 pm
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    Compelling futuristic concept. I would like to see Sonny a little more defined. You seem like you gravitate to conspiracy.

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    June 7, 2013, 8:36 am
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    122 pages is probably 30 pages too long (dropping the camera angles would help your count). Great concept – 100% worth another draft.

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  6. mikeyz says
    April 18, 2013, 2:21 pm
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    First off Jay, your concept of this ‘Orwellian like, corrupt, super conglomerate that “chips” people and provides them with basically unlimited financial credit, only to literally “own” them especially if they default on their payments’ – is really brilliant in my opinion!

    I was more and more intrigued as the story went along and new characters were introduced and as the conspiracy of LIFEcredit began to unfold.

    Sonny’s dad getting killed intrigued me cos this is the first time I got the sense that a conspiracy was afoot and Jack knew too much!

    The scene where all the defaulters were herded into a meeting room and told that they would virtually be held as prisoners away from thier families in a far off space colony was disturbingly effective!

    Great ending with the code variation too — I like the idea of how the “chipping” aspect was converted vis a vis the food supply / farming situation – frightening stuff — and your message is loud and clear about the amount of evil corporate control in America!

    The historical references particularly with the beginnings of LIFECredit and the Roswell incident were wonderful parallels to the ending for sure! I like the way you did this and how it all fused together.

    There were some grammar and formatting issues: namely, inconsistent page breaks and dialogue often moving into new pages without a clear link; sometimes unclear and vague slugline details; and some minor spelling typos.
    These need to improved dramatically if this story is ever to be read by Industry professionals (and I think it certainly has the potential for this Jay!)

    Also, your emphasis on camera angles is neat and really detailed but a bit excessive I felt (and maybe even unneccessary for a spec script although I can plainly see how some of that was essential to set up your scenes.)

    Finally, tighten the story a bit … I feel it’s a tad too long with probably 3 or 4 characters too many … you probably have enough here for a 3hr + movie! As you and I are not Spielberg or Scorcese, we probably couldn’t really get away with this any time soon!

    Overall, pretty darn good story Jay that could become awesome with a bit of a re-write!

    Best,

    Mike.

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  7. March 25, 2013, 10:12 am
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    It took me a while to really get into the script emotionally wise, which was until page 96 I believe. Once Sonny decided to go after Johnny, is when I was like okay, this is something I was looking forward to, and so on the rest of the script was a much better read.

    I think after reviewing this early draft, that you took way over 60 pages to set the true story up. I get the idea that this is a whole new environment, life credit, much stricter than credit cards, etc. and such, as the likes of the Matrix, etc. which happens to be my favorite movie of all time, but the action, the story line shouldn’t have to wait so long to pop up.

    Suddenly, aliens and such are brought up near the ending, which is great, but I feel as though you’re too worried in setting up the environment, that you’re forgetting the most important part of the storytelling, which is to engage the readers emotionally.

    You showed great signs of this in the latter pages like I keep stating. The 666 triangle, and the kid eating the food, in the end was pretty interesting, along with the camp idea by which people go to if they don’t honor the Life Credit policies, though it was more talk than actually show.

    Basically in my honest opinion, I feel that around page 90 is where your story truly starts. It is where the story gets pretty interesting on a thrilling and mysterious level which it’s your job of course to include us in the new environment a little bit, scene by scene.

    Sonny and his relationship with his ex is fine, and his father dying is fine. In fact, the father shouldn’t even be alive when the story starts in my opinion. Just get right into the story Jay.

    Start as late as possible in the story, ‘the beginning of it) Anyhow the concept is without a serious and daring one, for it is the near future, so I would definitely stick with this, so this would be pretty damn hard to get it in the hands of Hollywood, but you never know.

    Ron

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