Legal Alien
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Rating: 2.6/5 (2 votes cast)

Legal Alien

A slacker graduates from High School in New Mexico and pretends to be from Mexico to get a scholarship for being an International student but gets deported.

2012 April Logline Winner

Monologue:  Page 20

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  1. Profile photo of imageink
    imageink says
    October 12, 2012, 8:31 am

    Logline intrigued me. Will look at the script.

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  2. rickemg says
    August 10, 2012, 10:00 am
    Overall
    Concept
    Story Structure
    Character
    Dialogue
    Grammar
    Budget (1-Low / 5-High)

    I found the story to have potential and the concept is funny. The dialogue needs definate work on being funny and amusing. It drags on the first ten pages or so and then again in the middle. Need more to the story to round it out.

    All in all, I think that with a little work on your jocularity, this could be a fun movie.

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    rkwok says
    August 6, 2012, 4:57 pm
    Overall
    Concept
    Story Structure
    Character
    Dialogue
    Grammar
    Budget (1-Low / 5-High)

    The premise is interesting enough and should create ample situations for laughs. However the script is just not funny enough. Think something like Mrs Doubtfire: man trapped in being someone he isn’t and trying to get the girl at the same time.

    Parts of the dialogue are quite clunky (eg p46 when the Congressman speaks to his daughter). Some of the plot points are suspect: eg do we really expect Rob to wait weeks before calling the parents (and at the same time the writer does not show the actual call, which could have been interesting). Also Rob suddenly being invited to Thanksgiving by Amy: how did their relationship suddenly accelerate to that stage? And what happens with the relationship with Amy? Why would the college accept Rob as a foreigner without any proof? Why would an aide to the senator ask his opinion on illegal immigrants? Wouldn’t he know it already?

    A comedy like this would also rely a lot on the characters’ accents and ways of speaking (eg Raj the Indian). This was not explored sufficiently for laughs. Understand that one wants to be somewhat politically correct but then that is the challenge of writing something like this: make us laugh with the outsiders rather than at them.

    Finally there are a number of typos.

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