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Rating: 3.7/5 (11 votes cast)

Last Days of Zombie

In this black comedy, a gang of talking zombies goes on a quest to steal the serum which will finally cure their hunger for human flesh. (Revision: September 13, 2012)

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  1. August 30, 2015, 1:37 pm
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    Congratulations to the Finalists’ Round! Evidently the judges knew the potential and hook of your idea! 😀

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  2. February 1, 2013, 2:05 am
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      rkwok says
      February 1, 2013, 5:53 pm

      Did you read it?

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      • wardparry says
        February 2, 2013, 9:16 am

        Ray, Just thank him for his insightful and thoughtful comments and move on, he’s a noisy irrelevance.. It’ll be a waste of your time and energy getting into it with this chap. Ill send you a message of what I received from him yesterday to highlight the error or my ways. Good luck in the comp. WP

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    perloff says
    February 1, 2013, 1:59 am
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    Very solid. Great execution. A pleasure to read.

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  4. Yopauly75 says
    December 12, 2012, 4:31 pm
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    I think the concept for this script is a good one. There are SO many zombie flicks out there that it’s great to see a different take on it. Unfortunately, I really didn’t enjoy this particular script as much as the rest of the reviewers. I thought the story was decent and the dialogue was well written, but the narrative was not good, at times it was flat out bad. You really need to work on giving it a better flow so it’s enjoyable for the reader. It was so choppy at times that I found myself having to read it twice. I can tell that you’ve put a lot of thought into this world that you’ve created. I think with a few more re writes you can something good here. I just don’t think it’s there yet. At this stage it seems a little disjointed.

    Also, for a comedy, I really didn’t find it all that funny. Clever, yes. Funny, no. Obviously that’s just my opinion, what is not funny to me may be hilarious to someone else.

    Best of luck!

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  5. wardparry says
    November 1, 2012, 8:51 pm

    Raymond – thought of you when I read this.

    http://www.rollingstone.com/movies/lists/the-10-best-zombie-movies-20121012/zombieland-2009-19691231

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    August 31, 2012, 5:16 pm
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    Great read! There are a few of these alternative zombie scripts circling right now, but you execute it better than most. I flew through this.

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    escales3 says
    August 31, 2012, 7:34 am
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    I really enjoyed the read. It hit the ground running. Not your run of the mill dark comedy. Despite being gory at times it kept my attention and it kept me laughing. There were a few spacing errors, however I did notice a lot of work went into grammar and content.
    Should do well.

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    says
    August 28, 2012, 4:26 pm
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    I really enjoyed this screenplay. I could see it as a movie. I thought using the Thriller song for the zombies to dance to was a clever idea. Although it might be hard to get the rights to the song.

    The “one liner” that Turning used was really good: “I’m gonna give you a mind blowing experience.” It sounded like a line from an Arnold Scharztnegger movie.

    As well, I thought the movies concept was very original. Flipping the zombies concept on it’s side and seeying it from the zombies perspective.

    I also liked the born agains part in the movie.

    Overall it was a great read!

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    jusork says
    August 21, 2012, 9:18 pm
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    I liked it overall. I could see it on the screen, and the story and story line was original. It was also pretty funny. I’m was surprised to find that the script didn’t utilize much comedy playing with zombie movie conventions and expectations. Mostly just circumstances involving zombies. But I guess it wasn’t that kind of comedy and it was funny enough to not need to go there, too. Just some issues:

    There are a couple instances where you should condense some of your action description. In the beginning, you say simply that Alex and Renfrew are “taking down” humans, and then in another paragraph you say how they are doing it, which I would’ve liked to know as they’re doing it, not after you said they’re doing it.

    I was surprised to find that at a few points, you don’t have the character name above a line or block of dialogue. Even if the dialogue is continuous, it should have a name above it. Even if it goes to the next page, you should have the name at the top. Also your “cont’d”‘s.

    Be sure to clearly state that Sam is not a zombie. I thought he was until a couple pages after meeting him. Be sure to state the details of the scene right away, unless you have a reason not to. There were a couple times where you could’ve worked on this. Overall, the action is pretty sparse and I think you could add more to enhance the scenes, especially comedically.
    Most of your dialogue comes across very clearly and smoothly. Additionally the action is fast, and moves quickly, but maybe too fast. Adding in details would help with this, too. As is, the script is actually pretty short; it could use a little bit extra, I think, but use it in development of the storyline you have going, especially in strengthening the last act.

    I didn’t understand why Renfrew didn’t just eat the old woman from the church. It seems he could’ve been pulled into the situation better. He also seemed to have a surprising amount of restraint just for not wanting to tell them where they were going. What was he thinking, that they would try to find his friends and hunt them? I think the whole scene makes it start to feel sudden and unfitting to the larger scope. I think you could work up to it better so that it doesn’t feel like a sudden detour.

    Yes, the father story line is very underdeveloped. It’s like you were trying to include some emotional weight but didn’t make it. I didn’t see the point at all. It makes the very end very uneventful. Being a comedy, maybe the end shouldn’t end on such a bland note.

    I think the end becomes a great mess of different characters from the story coming together, but I think you could build up to it so that it feels that way even as its leading up to it. Like you feel all these characters coming together and you know it’s going to be chaos. More development on Z-squad would be especially helpful with this. What are they finding? But also develop the evangelists more. They seem so thrown in mostly. It might help to add more turns and struggle to plot as it ramps up to the final act. For example, the evangelists could catch up to the zombies but end up getting away . Then they know they have someone on their tail and perhaps that Renfew is involved.

    You kind of end up falling flat on characterization. It might not be as important in your script, but it wouldn’t hurt to make characters like Alex more interesting, more than just a plain “straight guy” character. If you Charlotte and Alex end up having a relationship, you might spend some time developing it, or else it’s really not necessary.

    How did Renfrew die if he’s a zombie?

    What’s with the ‘moments later’ shifts toward the end. Literally second later. I don’t see why you need to split up the scene. All you need to do is show him get into the van in the second one.

    Thanks.

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    sethm says
    August 8, 2012, 7:08 pm
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    See if this works.

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    sethm says
    August 3, 2012, 11:06 am

    Totally refreshing and original take on the genre.  The comedy is great and the dialogue has a clever humor to it, considering the world. I really like the voice of you story. The plot element of immortality is a great conceptual aspect. It is definitely fresh and I believe execs will responds favorably. The world you put us in, may have familiar elements, but the flip of the characters is what sets this script apart in my opinion.  There were some formatting and grammatical issues I’d suggest attending to before taking this out anywhere. And some slower moments that tend to drag (later in script mainly). Maybe amp it up a little? Overall, great job.  See if in any rewrite you can further develop your leads so they feel a bit broader and not overshadowed by the survival aspect. The comedy is so well ingrained that their internal and external aspects should be better blanaced.

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      rkwok says
      August 3, 2012, 8:20 pm

      Hi. Thanks much for the read and review. I have been in the process of rewriting and have added a little bit more action. Also have fixed up (hopefully) all the formatting issues.

      ps do you normally give comments but not give a rating?

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    July 19, 2012, 1:31 pm
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    Wonderfully original story and well executed.

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    tserlin says
    July 15, 2012, 2:18 pm
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    The first Zombie script I’ve read in a while and must say that this was very enjoyable. The writing is clean and has a nice punch. Writing has “out of the box” original flare.

    Cleaver concept and very funny one-liners peppered throughout. The dark comedy element is strong and the way you quickly jump into the story works very nicely. How you flip the “mythos” around and make the zombies colorful characters is actually quite enjoyable. You do a nice job with distinctions between them, clarifying their own moral codes – despite their violent situation and requirements. Humans are dinner – and the zombies are strategic – very clever.

    Your dialogue is very good. Everything is informative and there are a lot of clever humor elements. Zombies brushing their teeth – hysterical! The way that you play with social elements is inventive and fresh. Your structure is on point – and you are very economic with your writing (which is a good thing – particularly when blending genres).

    Plot elements are nicely developed. The immortality component solid. How people/Zombies deal with this is interesting. Could use even more development in terms of your “social commentary.”

    The world you set up is interesting. The mythology is pretty solid and you take care to get all the relevant information out quickly. Well done. Plus, it’s funny – an added bonus. The distinction between classes of zombies is a nice touch. The source of the cure being the same source as the disease lacks a bit of originality – but it seems easy and I bought right into it.

    Consider mentioning something about the smell – zombies feeding – walking around with intestines (obviously it smells – but describe how they react/feel about it). There is something great in your style to describe these critical elements – just push a little more into it – to keep it fully dynamic.

    CRITICAL COMMENTS: Proofreader script and consider not justifying the dialogue. You want readers to bullet through the script and not get caught up or thrown out but and formatting issues. It’s a fast script – which is a bonus. I’d suggest you read for punctuation and spaces – and “unjustify” the dialogue. ** You need to keep the character names in each piece of dialogue – this isn’t a novel – it’s a screenplay. Don’t give the reader a reason to say no. Trust me – your idea is clever enough to entice a reader – don’t lose them because of silly formatting issues.
    P. 80 – Try to avoid parentheticals when describing characters.

    Salamander/Pringle – very interesting choice of names.

    Second act does drags a bit – but picks up with the “Army of God” scenes – some really funny moments. You could tighten it a bit – and focus on the key elements that drive plot and inform your story. But, you do track a nice overall pacing. Love the p. 70-73 dialogue. Later P. 85 — “interstate highway to immortality” – excellent!!

    Third act could use more action. It feels like a lot of talking heads (the slow motion element is nice – check examples for technical language). If you infuse a little more active dynamics – this act will be elevated. Read for each character – take out unneeded dialogue – to increase the pace a bit.

    The introduction of Alex’s father comes at the end – and yes we have some development on their relationship in the script. However, you may wish to reconsider where this meeting actually takes place – because we are not as invested in it to warrant that “special moment” to mark the final destination for this journey. Their relationship could be developed more if you are going to stick with this type of ending. May leave audience slightly unsatisfied.

    Overall, I think you did a great job. It would love to see this film someday!

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      rkwok says
      July 15, 2012, 9:20 pm

      Thanks for the review and useful comments. The father scene is something that I have been toying with for quite a while (used to be in the middle of the script then moved to the end). But I do agree need a better set up so that audience can be invested. Never really thought about the “smell”: that’s actually very interesting and will do some work on that. Thanks again.

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