Larry’s Best Friend
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Larry’s Best Friend

Ginger was a Golden Retriever; now a spell has transformed her into a beautiful woman who strives to be successfully human, despite the chagrin of her distressed owner who, for the sake of his sanity, wants her to revert to being a dog.

Monologue: Page 104

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  1. Profile photo of Francisco
    Francisco says
    September 18, 2012, 8:32 am
    Overall
    Concept
    Story Structure
    Character
    Dialogue
    Grammar
    Budget (1-Low / 5-High)

    First of all, let me congratulate on your script, for the energy and time you put to write it. I would also like to say that this is my personal opinion, not the absolute truth. What I may find amusing, for instance, someone else can find other way.
    One can clearly see the underline text about prejudice, love, respect, self-respect, happiness, all in a “how some women are still treated and disrespected” point of view. There are several funny moments throughout the screenplay and it has a valuable message.
    There are some structure and grammar issues that should be reviewed, as well as some misspelling. Try to write in proper software like Final Draft or Celtx, they’re very intuitive to use and it would help you on some of the problems. Also try to write always on Present instead of Present Continuous. One should see the images flow, not drag. For instance: “She is running» She runs”. Also avoid “as if” and search for the proper expression. Some of the dialogues need to be reviewed, some are plain and flat.
    Make sure to scene heading every time your characters change room and add continuous when the scene comes in the same timeline of the previous one, as you did once or twice. The use of flashbacks is very tricky, sometimes is better just to put the scenes in their normal order.
    Comedy allows you have some absurd in your story but even absurd has to be somehow logical or, at least, make sense to within its own reality. I can also understand why Ginger wants to return at her original form but I can’t sense the turning point. I mean, she has the world in her hand, why change? You can also explore more Ginger’s new life. Make her try things, discover. Don’t be afraid to abuse of her dog behavior. And you can give a little more depth to your characters. There are no real conflicts, nothing to push them over the edge.
    Overall, you have a very nice story but another draft maybe needed. Show more, tell less. I’m pretty sure your next draft will be the one due to your creativity and talent! Good work.

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    • Profile photo of davhill
      davhill says
      September 23, 2012, 8:54 pm

      I am horrified that after 29 drafts there are still some misspellings and grammar errors neither I nor Final Draft caught. I am going through it with a fine tooth comb again. Your point about tenses is well taking and I am making those changes. I have also strengthened the turning point between acts 2 and 3 by having Larry really loose it. The flashbacks have been a problem but If I take them out it makes Larry look like the protagonist and fails to portray Ginger through Doug’s eyes. Both are imprortant plot points.

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