Fade To Black
An aspiring screenwriter’s life tailspins when he gets caught in a love triangle with a struggling actress and the daug...
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From the point of view of a special object that passes between a series of dynamic Los Angelinos, a series of unique stories weave together, connecting the path by which the object journeys back to its rightful owner. A dark undercurrent looms beneath this tale of identity, belonging, and self-discovery. (Updated: June 22, 2012)
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A special object passes between a series of dynamic Los Angelinos, weaving together stories of identity, belonging, and self-discovery.
I think if you could snip your logline down to something much more concise without losing the gist of it. Something like above. I don’t mind the idea of your logline, because it tells what kind of movie you have penned, theme and structure-wise. I still have lingering concerns that a reader might not have enough meat to decide whether the actual plots of the stories are interesting. We don’t know anything other than the stories involve those in Los Angeles. That’s fine, I guess, if the producer is looking for that, but what if they was this kind of structure dealing with a certain kind of protagonist? We don’t know if your characters are underworld thugs, church fanatics, highschool drama students. Perhaps a little clarity there might help.
Most of the loglines for movies are two or three short but concise sentences which promote curiosity and a glimpse of the conflict. It often means deleting words because shorter sentences deliver more of a punch. I think the potential of your film is intriguing. As writers, we don’t like to let the cat out of the bag, but we have to provide enough information about the story in those short sentences to get the attention our stories deserve. Good luck!
Too heavily worded whilst being too vague at the same down. Take out half those sentences, be more descriptive regarding the objects, and work on the ‘dynamic “los angelinos”‘ .
Cut the last sentence. You make a point to describe “Los Angelinos”. This term in your logline is area specific and limits your potential. Many might think it is a ethnic movie which is great; however if it is not; its confusing as not everyone knows the citizens of Los Angeles by this term.
The whole logline, I feel, is very vague. Can you give more on the special object, especially in relation to the story? But most of all, “a series of unique stories weave together.” Then you say list some moods and themes. What your story really says is this: “my story is about a series of stories about identity involving a group of people.” If your story is like Crash, in that it is a series of vignettes, then what I’d really say is that your logline just isn’t very loglineable, which will be a problem if you want to use it to get this script to a producer.
changed the logline so needed a self-indulgent vote…
From the point of view of a special object that passes between a series of dynamic Los Angelinos, a series of unique stories weave together, connecting the path by which the object journeys back to its rightful owner. A dark undercurrent looms beneath this tale of identity, belonging, and self-discovery reminiscent of MEMENTO, CRASH, and CAT’S EYE.
Overall consider omitting all the character introductions, there is no clear story that you tell; I’m lost within no reasons; try to get straight to the point and speak only of the event that is to transpire; the objects journey… Keep it simple, in a logline less is more…