L.A .Miles
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L.A .Miles

In simmering Los Angeles DA J. Miles Lenny strives to bring justice to the Southland despite cunning criminals and double dealing colleagues and the fact that he has been dead for 30 years.

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    1. Profile photo of RutgerOosterhoff
      June 11, 2015, 3:04 am

      Hey ghostwriter,

      About your logline:

      [inciting incident] leads to [protag. must take action] to [achieve better world for protag.] and people around him/her.

      When crime completely takes over LA, the ghost of DA J. Miles Lenny must fight cunning criminals and double dealing colleagues to (in order to) bring justice to the Southland.

      Don’t use “strives” it’s not ‘active’ enough.

      Criminals are almost always cunning. If you want to use an adjective to describe the criminals, you better make it worth the extra word.

      Don’t have to mention that he’s dead “for 30 years”. Just tell us he’s dead (and how we know).

      jsf15 is right, the logline does not have a hook, but don’t focus on this problem at first, start with constructing your logline the right way.

      For better advice visit http://www.logline.it

      Good luck!

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      • bajasarah says
        June 11, 2015, 12:31 pm

        thank you! I guess I should have left the original up as the thread would make more sense:

        After finding an old journal a rookie Los Angeles DA begins receiving unsolicited advice from its long dead famous author, an unrelenting, unapologetic seasoned prosecutor once nicknamed “The Gasser.”

        Then I changed it to:
        In simmering Los Angeles DA J. Miles Lenny strives to bring justice to the Southland despite cunning criminals and double dealing colleagues and the fact that he has been dead for 30 years.

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      • bajasarah says
        June 11, 2015, 12:33 pm

        ITS GETTING THERE AND i REALLY APPRECIATE YOUR HELP! SOON IT WILL BE PERFECT :)

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      • bajasarah says
        June 11, 2015, 1:25 pm

        Another try:

        With crime at an all time high in Los Angeles a rookie DA begins receiving unsolicited advice from the ghost of famed prosecutor DA J. Miles Lenny as they fight to bring justice to the southland.

        I have to go to work…needs something but getting closer?

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    2. bajasarah says
      June 10, 2015, 10:19 pm

      Thank you jfs15! Here is another try using your great suggestions

      In simmering Los Angeles DA J. Miles Lenny strives to bring justice to the Southland despite cunning criminals and double dealing colleagues and the fact that he has been dead for 30 years.

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    3. Profile photo of jfs15
      jfs15 says
      June 10, 2015, 2:26 pm
      Overall
      Story Potential
      Hook

      Not a bad start, but the logline seems to be missing a hook. What you have right now is a very good premise. You have to allude to whatever the twist is.

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      • bajasarah says
        June 10, 2015, 10:21 pm

        Thank you jfs15! Here is another try using your great suggestions

        In simmering Los Angeles DA J. Miles Lenny strives to bring justice to the Southland despite cunning criminals and double dealing colleagues and the fact that he has been dead for 30 years

        VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
        Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
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