Kill Hill
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Rating: 3.0/5 (4 votes cast)

Kill Hill

A group of young college students whose lives change when they go to the infamous Kill Hill for Halloween and find themselves trapped with a crazy killer that wants to play his water-themed “Crazy Sick Games.”

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  1. Profile photo of
    says
    September 1, 2013, 9:50 pm
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    Hm. I’m going to start with the appraisal because there were some things that really stuck out at me. First, like a comment below said, you are great at writing the flirting scenes. They are true and sexy. Also, the description “cocky jock” on page 5 is fantastic. I wish we could hear that on screen, and with Vivie’s character, how about something like:

    Opal: Why do you like him? He’s just a cocky jock —
    Vivie: — And he’s got a jocky cock!

    That would also add a little more character depth to Vivie for being the vixen of the story. I also like the sluglines of “he/she chokes on his/her water” — an interesting foreshadow that is easily overlooked.

    But for the most part…I’m really confused. I don’t understand Vivie’s motives, and her involvement with her uncle, or why the police just walk out of Kill Hill house when Vivie’s friends reported strange activity and suddenly there are kids missing. The dialogue isn’t all that natural… It made me uncomfortable to read in many parts because a killer wouldn’t talk like that with his “victims,” as if he were giving a SparksNotes update. The stakes really need to go higher, because if you were sitting here watching your friends die, there would be much more suspense.

    I get the concept of some weird torture that victims are forced into playing (like “Saw”), but all these little “games” just feel like he’s about to say, “Congrats! You won! Bye!” It is similar to those teen slasher films in that they always put themselves where they ought not to be, and here they enter the house when they shouldn’t, but the dinner scene is such a strange extrapolation of “don’t take candy from strangers” — even with the irony of it being on Halloween.

    One thing that is really good is that you have all the parts of a screenplay’s structure that are required, and I could easily pull them out of the story. However, the structure is way off balance. For a screenplay of 100 pages, you’re looking at least 50-60 pages being act two, but here your inciting incident isn’t until page 46 — and this should be much, much earlier, even before page 30 maybe. Then the midpoint is 13 pages later, when it should be much further apart. What I suggest is that you go back and do a careful re-write paying close attention to the structure and nailing those in the ground, and then do another re-write focusing on making the dialogue real and substantial. Each time you re-write the story will get better and better. I think there’s potential, you just need to dig deeper. Good luck :)

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  2. Profile photo of lordofthestings
    August 26, 2013, 2:37 pm
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    I actually thought this was a comedy instead of a horror. I do give you props for the idea though, it’s…interesting. I just don’t think anything like this is actually believable. The dialogue especially, a killer wouldn’t talk like that haha. I would suggest to just go back through and raise the stakes. If he’s torturing them, this should be a lot scarier.

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  3. Profile photo of kimm81
    kimm81 says
    August 24, 2013, 8:45 pm
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    Seems like all the other low budget horror flicks with a poor (attempt at a) twist. Good effort, I liked the characters but more description needed. Also, you need to go and rewrite Uncle C’s line where he calls Jeff by his name instead of Fuck You.
    I could see this on the Chill channel as a tv movie – and you know what, I’d still watch it.

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  4. tbarron says
    August 18, 2013, 4:17 pm
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    Good concept. Great twist. Nice combination of sexy/scary. Curious to see how Vivie moves on to her next prey (as well as Uncle C). Maybe consider that as a teaser at the end? Would also like to understand Vivie’s motivation (and possibly also Uncle C); why does she torment her friends? Check formatting on 30 & 41, 29 the”y” stop kissing. Dialogue and flirting felt very real/natural.

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